Please give me feedback! (1 Viewer)

[volkie]

Hello forum, I'd just like some feedback on my creative writing piece for English, I'm in standard and in year 11, I'm not a bright kid.. I'm just average, this is worth 15 marks and i'm just curious on second opinions on my effort. PS: Teacher has not marked it yet, thanks!

 

[nerdasdasd]

Hello forum, I'd just like some feedback on my creative writing piece for English, I'm in standard and in year 11, I'm not a bright kid.. I'm just average, this is worth 15 marks and i'm just curious on second opinions on my effort. PS: Teacher has not marked it yet, thanks!

Everyone is a bright kid, don't devalue yourself!

 

[SuchSmallHands]

The concept is excellent but the wording is a little messy in parts. 'Half of which the students will go blank in the exam' doesnt make a whole lot of sense. 'half of the students go blank in the exam' or 'half of which students forget in the exam' would be better. Don't write 'them times', 'those times' would be loads more appropriate. 'Now days' (or even better 'in modern times') is more suitable in formal writing than 'now a days'. Avoid the word 'stuff'. Replace 'doing useless things that in the real world they will only use 5% of what they were taught' with 'they will only use five percent (avoid numbers in English) of what they are taught in the real world.' In the concluding patagraph just write 'I am a student in the modern world'. The other wording is just a little awkward. With slightly better expression of your thoughts, this could be really brilliant. I think you underestimate yourself, because the concept you're writing about is clever, well thought out and will certainly challenge the intended audience (who I am assuming is a teacher in the system you're attacking).

 

[volkie]

The concept is excellent but the wording is a little messy in parts. 'Half of which the students will go blank in the exam' doesnt make a whole lot of sense. 'half of the students go blank in the exam' or 'half of which students forget in the exam' would be better. Don't write 'them times', 'those times' would be loads more appropriate. 'Now days' (or even better 'in modern times') is more suitable in formal writing than 'now a days'. Avoid the word 'stuff'. Replace 'doing useless things that in the real world they will only use 5% of what they were taught' with 'they will only use five percent (avoid numbers in English) of what they are taught in the real world.' In the concluding patagraph just write 'I am a student in the modern world'. The other wording is just a little awkward. With slightly better expression of your thoughts, this could be really brilliant. I think you underestimate yourself, because the concept you're writing about is clever, well thought out and will certainly challenge the intended audience (who I am assuming is a teacher in the system you're attacking).

Oh I thought I could use colloquial language because it's creative writing, not an essay, but thank you for your feedback it has helped me see my weakpoints in this writing piece, much appreciated

 

[SuchSmallHands]

Oh I thought I could use colloquial language because it's creative writing, not an essay, but thank you for your feedback it has helped me see my weakpoints in this writing piece, much appreciated

If its integral to the voice you've constructed colloquial language can be effectively used, but in this particular piece I'd stay away from it for the most part. Also, 'now a days' is more if an error in speaking. The 'a' isn't actually there, it just becomes accidentally included due to the 'ow' ending in the 'now' followed by the hard 'd' sound of 'days', so even when using language to construct voice try to avoid literally writing that.