My poem - love it or hate it ....

[B.O.R.E.D.]

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As tears crawl down her face
At there very own pace
She thinks with her heart
Only can he unlock it
Or forever shall it be an empty pit

Eyeliner has run , soaky wet skin
As he lays only a finger on her
Thinking to himself as he runs it along
Slowly wrapping his arms around her

Drawing her slowly in
Closely and gracefully they are locked
Just barely by the touch of there skin
Being only shocked
They pull away

One last tear falls to the ground
Only to drown
The last glimps of hope

One grain of sugar
Is too sweet
Only sending her off her feet
One drop of love
Sends her blind
Being only drawn
One day is too long
is this wrong ?

Rainbows flow from her soul
Bringing joy to her heart
Searching and searching
For her witt which is really quiet smart

Raindrops glisen on her cheeks
Making them look like crystals
Slowly she speaks
Wipping the water off her face

She just states
I need my space
Croweds jump out of the way
Walking and wipping that face

Dissappearing into the sun
One boy whispers
Why didnt she run
But it was coming . yet she did not run

The darkness she had feared
Finding herself on a horse
The darkness arising . She just reared
Racing into the dark

One grain of sugar
There is non too sweet
One drop of love
Cant be enough
All she needs is to be held on her two feet

[Charlessunstrum]

You need to read more poetry to develop a better style. Keep trying

[sonyaleeisapixi]

firstly - youre sacraficing meaning for rhyme. that is, you use words because they rhyme, not because they give the peice meaning. try free flow, and this will force you to consider the weight of each word you write.

secondly - theres no real style, theme, or meaning in the peice. this is due to a variety of factors, but mainly because your subject matter is not only cliche, but poor executed. read more poetry. play around with flow, meter, symbols, metaphors, imagery. poetry should evoke emotion, paint pictures. this does none of those because more so than poetry, its poorly organised words that rhyme.

third - to the cliche. there is very few people who can write cliche and do it well. youre probably not one of them, god knows Im not. if you want to express something this over done, you need to do it uniquely so we believe you actual feel these things, not that its just a convienient rhyme. you do this by reading and hearing other peoples work, by playing around with images and metaphors, and most of all, by practise.


i could deconstruct it completely but thats a waste of time. keep trying. read more poetry, classical, contemporary, listen to spoken word, and most of all keep trying.

[beve]

good, but needs to be lifted for EX2 standards. read the showcases; thats where you'l need to be by the end =)

[black_kat_meow]

Originally Posted by B.O.R.E.D.

As tears crawl down her face
At there very own pace
She thinks with her heart
Only can he unlock it
Or forever shall it be an empty pit

Eyeliner has run , soaky wet skin
As he lays only a finger on her
Thinking to himself as he runs it along
Slowly wrapping his arms around her

Drawing her slowly in
Closely and gracefully they are locked
Just barely by the touch of there skin
Being only shocked
They pull away

One last tear falls to the ground
Only to drown
The last glimps of hope

One grain of sugar
Is too sweet
Only sending her off her feet
One drop of love
Sends her blind
Being only drawn
One day is too long
is this wrong ?

Rainbows flow from her soul
Bringing joy to her heart
Searching and searching
For her witt which is really quiet smart

Raindrops glisen on her cheeks
Making them look like crystals
Slowly she speaks
Wipping the water off her face

She just states
I need my space
Croweds jump out of the way
Walking and wipping that face

Dissappearing into the sun
One boy whispers
Why didnt she run
But it was coming . yet she did not run

The darkness she had feared
Finding herself on a horse
The darkness arising . She just reared
Racing into the dark

One grain of sugar
There is non too sweet
One drop of love
Cant be enough
All she needs is to be held on her two feet

Please, grammar and spelling. GRAMMAR AND SPELLING.

[jetblack2007]

Yeah i have to agree. I think one big thing is imagery. One thing which really satisfies me when writing a poem is a masterful use of imagery. I think its abit too literal.

And the cliche thing is right. When i started reading i thought to myself 'no not again'. That concept is fine, but find another way to describe it. Maybe use a conceit?

And Oscar Wilde said "A poet can survive everything but a misprint". Just look over the work before you finalise it, because bad grammar and punctuation is when people start to judge. I know its hard to look over my texts a second time – i dont know why, but i realised i need to because we always miss something.

I hope that helped.

[phosphorescent]

I agree with what the others have said before me.
Especially upon the importance of good imagery, and that is indeed better conveyed through less literal portrayals and interpretations.
Remember, subtlety is the key.

For example, when you say 'Rainbows flow from her soul', try using a less cliche and more unique way of describing it.

This stanza,

'The darkness she had feared
Finding herself on a horse
The darkness arising . She just reared
Racing into the dark'

made not much sense to me. Be sure what you are trying to say before you write it in your poetry (which will further reduce the clarity of your meaning).

Anywhos, there's always room for improvement (:
Keep writing and reading.

[kevinx2]

More language techniques/imagery etc.

Try to 'show' rather than 'tell'.

Poems don't have to rhyme, if you want it to rhyme choose your words carefully as not to detract from the style/rhythm/story etc of your poem.

And i think i saw some spelling mistakes.

Gluck

[Empyrean444]

Yes. considering that you are writing poetry about emotions and feelings (rather than narrative poetry), you really must focus upon using better imagery. And by better i don't just mean more descriptive, more appropirate insofar as definition, a higher echelon of vocab etc (all of which are important) but it must go deeper. MAke sure you amplify your descriptions with more language devices - personification, metapgor, simile etc. USe more intense emotive language.

Finally, make sure that you engage all 5 senses in your descriptions. and, once again, delve deep and exploit it to its max potential.

I presume you are writing in end line stopped poetry? (or whatever its called, not sure of the tech. name). I wouldn't. By writing otherwise you can exploit techniques like enjambment and caesurae.

[ObjectsInSpace]

There may not be much future for you in poetry, but have you considered starting an emo band?

[snowconesyum]

some of ur spelling mistakes are so obvious it looks like you've done them on purpose... are you for real?

anyway.

you probably need to try and think of your own images, and properly think of them, instead of going for the words and descriptions which flow to mind instantly because they are so hackneyed and overused. for instance - 'She thinks with her heart
Only can he unlock it
Or forever shall it be an empty pit'
unlocking a heart, and the hollow residue/empty pit or whatever you want to call it are such typical pictures, that it makes your emotion not real and turns it into some c-grade song lyrics or whatever. actually think about the idea you are conveying, and a more raw/honest to say it. what does it ACTUALLY feel like/remind you of (force yourself to think of original things).

sorry for being so harsh, hopefully the honesty will help you.

[B.O.R.E.D.]

haha thanks guyz i am working on it i kno im not perfect at english but i do like poetry and i didnt deliberately try to rhyme lol it just flowed except the last stanza lol

emo rock band ?? haha i dont think so lol

[diametric]

dude; do you even do ext 2? or are you posting here because it looks like the poetry section for random people such as you.

i promise; it is not.

Note: Can you pretty people read one of mine too? (HAHAHAHA)

Amidst books fleeting,
People weary, discussions heavy;
Could you imagine?
My surprise
Not with the brevity of our situation,
But with matters unfolding,
Oh how I wished forevermore.

Given voice to truths spoken to me,
And reciprocated with truths
Resonant with the earmarks
Of the common traits
That had embellished
Twain lives, forevermore.

Interruptions fleeting,
Yet not disrupting
The upheaval of burdens
Carried so solemnly,
Diligently by men not deserving
Of the melancholy it would wrought.
Oh how I desired,
That in setting suns stride,
Happyness would return
Forevermore.

Yet, beneath moonlight that seemed
Disappeared beneath polluted city skies,
Did the final specks of reality
Taint the varnished wall;
In shock, I sensed
The tremors of greatness
Casting waves upon ocean seas.
In empathy, in arms withheld,
How I coveted responsibility,
For now love returns,
And wishes you no pain;
Nevermore.

[JustALittlesome]

sure is 'emo myspace poems' in here

[beve]

Originally Posted by diametric

dude; do you even do ext 2? or are you posting here because it looks like the poetry section for random people such as you.

i promise; it is not.

Note: Can you pretty people read one of mine too? (HAHAHAHA)

Amidst books fleeting,
People weary, discussions heavy;
Could you imagine?
My surprise
Not with the brevity of our situation,
But with matters unfolding,
Oh how I wished forevermore.

Given voice to truths spoken to me,
And reciprocated with truths
Resonant with the earmarks
Of the common traits
That had embellished
Twain lives, forevermore.

Interruptions fleeting,
Yet not disrupting
The upheaval of burdens
Carried so solemnly,
Diligently by men not deserving
Of the melancholy it would wrought.
Oh how I desired,
That in setting suns stride,
Happyness would return
Forevermore.

Yet, beneath moonlight that seemed
Disappeared beneath polluted city skies,
Did the final specks of reality
Taint the varnished wall;
In shock, I sensed
The tremors of greatness
Casting waves upon ocean seas.
In empathy, in arms withheld,
How I coveted responsibility,
For now love returns,
And wishes you no pain;
Nevermore.

I think that, if I were to take the poem merely on face value I wouldn't appreciate it as much as I would if you actually stated what you're going to do with the major work.

You poets have it so easy...