Critique Thread

phatic · 30 Dec 2004, 2:37 PM

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I just noticed the Short Stories forum has a critique thread, but the poetry forum doesn't... Is anyone afraid of their work being stolen? I was thinking of posting up some other poems (which I won't be using for my major work) if anyone's up to criticising them. It all helps...

I'll wait a bit before I post some stuff up incase there's an admin rule against it or something. What do you all think?

phatic · 31 Dec 2004, 12:06 AM

Alright, here's something I wrote probably about 6 months ago. Most of the rhymes are technically incorrect, and there is no rhythm nor metre... It's structurally weak, as I knew nothing of structure at the time.

Anyway, this thread has to start somewhere. Perhaps seeing how poor my effort was will at least break the ice, and prompt someone else to post something...

Quantified Dreams

Surrounded by desolate plains, slight undulations barely visible
Plagued by claustrophobic nightmares, denying anything visceral
as far too intangible, deluded by grandeur (all these animals)
My feet concreted in sand, struggle forgotten, now so bland
Reality out of focus, beyond reach... or is my vision blurred?
Turn my head there's a ticket booth, melancholic music purrs
Red and blue circus stripes intrigue my black and white eyes
A sign up above reads "Ride entry. Ticket price: Your mind"
Formulaic whirlwind begins, my calculated logic now spins
Lost for ground to follow such spontaneous whims, Yet I grin
That cheshire smile, no place amongst files nor measured miles
Electrical impulses hit my nerves, and I swerve to avoid denial
Flying upwards, mental intervention curiously vacant
Mouth wide open, my chin melts onto the pavement
The delicate dance of non-encumbered circumstance
Multitudes of hearts pierced by a single lance
Make way for romance, mermaids lull me with lust
Archaic eyes fall from my head, hit the water, turn to dust
Blinded now free, the ride takes a sharp downward fall
I seem stalled yet I'm standing, head glued to the nearest wall
Upside down exit flashes before me, I cry tears of desire
The fire slowly drowns, the price of entry rises higher
Futile again I slump, decaying eyes almost non-existant
Reasonous conquest soars, my heart rots with persistance.

phatic · 31 Dec 2004, 12:08 AM

Here's another. Basically just random stuff...

Thoughts decayed, a rotted corpse has now disintegrated
Melted into a creeping mass of maggots, life continues
Emptiness creates emptiness, the perpetual cycle of existence
I open my eyes wider and find only distractions...
Paranoically observe the void, afraid of its brooding power
Vulgar imagery flickers across the screen outside
Rain, rain, rain.
Will the greys ever fade to reveal luminous colours?
Clear headed nights imprison outbursts of expression
Escaped days lost in play appear wasted
Time blurs my vision like tears washing over my eyes
Plans now lost with hazy memories overrun by fear
Shattered mirrors reflect holes non-existant
Purity must exist, hidden beneath veils of modern lies
Puppets dance melancholically, eyes blank for scissors
What's that hidden underneath your skin?
Torturous blood that keeps me alive, detested compromise
Unstructured garbage lacking credence nor life.

black_man · 1 Jan 2005, 10:29 PM

wow, both of your works seem very complex in expression and in the relationships between physical and metaphysical elements, im afraid whatever i could offer might not be the same in that regard, but i might offer this one...

I've seen enough to know
but can that save your soul?
or can it be
cashed
and called
and spent
or traded
for a little gold?

if money is the key to happiness
then every man is poor

it's all nothing
worthless
when it loses it's shine
but if it makes you feel unhappy
you can go
re-draw the line

'coz God help us
our world is on a cheque
and we'll buy it
take it all
there's nothing left

...gone...

it's all material
the fabric of our time
mister please
could you
sell me some peace of mind?

it's what we value most
our dollars
or our sense
or was common decency
a fashion that came and went?

...sold

black_man · 1 Jan 2005, 10:42 PM

i may add another from our studies of poetry in year 11, we were instructed to write a sonnet as part of our studies:

child, where is the ribbon in your hair?
that i have grown to love, where the smile?
i think not even the cold winter air
could burn my heart out - or dry those green eyes
though beside me, you seem so far away
from whence before, like heavens shining light
the colour, when the world painted me grey
sleep angel, i'll watch over you tonight
i see you child, behind limestone gems
I see me, all that i wanted to be
though you waver, i'll be here at the end
to see you smile - like you did for me
only i may think you're a miracle
but still, you will always be my angel

30 Dec 2004, 2:37 PM	#1 (permalink)
phatic Member HSC: 2005 Gender: Male Join Date: Dec 2004 Posts: 169 Last Activity: 11 Aug 2007, 4:35 AM	Critique Thread You can hide this advertisement by registering. I just noticed the Short Stories forum has a critique thread, but the poetry forum doesn't... Is anyone afraid of their work being stolen? I was thinking of posting up some other poems (which I won't be using for my major work) if anyone's up to criticising them. It all helps... I'll wait a bit before I post some stuff up incase there's an admin rule against it or something. What do you all think? __________________ When I open my eyes I must sigh, for what I see is contrary to my religion, and I must despise the world which does not know that music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy. Beethoven

31 Dec 2004, 12:06 AM	#2 (permalink)
phatic Member HSC: 2005 Gender: Male Join Date: Dec 2004 Posts: 169 Last Activity: 11 Aug 2007, 4:35 AM	Alright, here's something I wrote probably about 6 months ago. Most of the rhymes are technically incorrect, and there is no rhythm nor metre... It's structurally weak, as I knew nothing of structure at the time. Anyway, this thread has to start somewhere. Perhaps seeing how poor my effort was will at least break the ice, and prompt someone else to post something... Quantified Dreams Surrounded by desolate plains, slight undulations barely visible Plagued by claustrophobic nightmares, denying anything visceral as far too intangible, deluded by grandeur (all these animals) My feet concreted in sand, struggle forgotten, now so bland Reality out of focus, beyond reach... or is my vision blurred? Turn my head there's a ticket booth, melancholic music purrs Red and blue circus stripes intrigue my black and white eyes A sign up above reads "Ride entry. Ticket price: Your mind" Formulaic whirlwind begins, my calculated logic now spins Lost for ground to follow such spontaneous whims, Yet I grin That cheshire smile, no place amongst files nor measured miles Electrical impulses hit my nerves, and I swerve to avoid denial Flying upwards, mental intervention curiously vacant Mouth wide open, my chin melts onto the pavement The delicate dance of non-encumbered circumstance Multitudes of hearts pierced by a single lance Make way for romance, mermaids lull me with lust Archaic eyes fall from my head, hit the water, turn to dust Blinded now free, the ride takes a sharp downward fall I seem stalled yet I'm standing, head glued to the nearest wall Upside down exit flashes before me, I cry tears of desire The fire slowly drowns, the price of entry rises higher Futile again I slump, decaying eyes almost non-existant Reasonous conquest soars, my heart rots with persistance. __________________ When I open my eyes I must sigh, for what I see is contrary to my religion, and I must despise the world which does not know that music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy. Beethoven

31 Dec 2004, 12:08 AM	#3 (permalink)
phatic Member HSC: 2005 Gender: Male Join Date: Dec 2004 Posts: 169 Last Activity: 11 Aug 2007, 4:35 AM	Here's another. Basically just random stuff... Thoughts decayed, a rotted corpse has now disintegrated Melted into a creeping mass of maggots, life continues Emptiness creates emptiness, the perpetual cycle of existence I open my eyes wider and find only distractions... Paranoically observe the void, afraid of its brooding power Vulgar imagery flickers across the screen outside Rain, rain, rain. Will the greys ever fade to reveal luminous colours? Clear headed nights imprison outbursts of expression Escaped days lost in play appear wasted Time blurs my vision like tears washing over my eyes Plans now lost with hazy memories overrun by fear Shattered mirrors reflect holes non-existant Purity must exist, hidden beneath veils of modern lies Puppets dance melancholically, eyes blank for scissors What's that hidden underneath your skin? Torturous blood that keeps me alive, detested compromise Unstructured garbage lacking credence nor life. __________________ When I open my eyes I must sigh, for what I see is contrary to my religion, and I must despise the world which does not know that music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy. Beethoven

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1 Jan 2005, 10:29 PM	#4 (permalink)
black_man Chuck lives here HSC: 2005 Gender: Male Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 202 Last Activity: 25 Apr 2009, 4:26 PM	wow, both of your works seem very complex in expression and in the relationships between physical and metaphysical elements, im afraid whatever i could offer might not be the same in that regard, but i might offer this one... I've seen enough to know but can that save your soul? or can it be cashed and called and spent or traded for a little gold? if money is the key to happiness then every man is poor it's all nothing worthless when it loses it's shine but if it makes you feel unhappy you can go re-draw the line 'coz God help us our world is on a cheque and we'll buy it take it all there's nothing left ...gone... it's all material the fabric of our time mister please could you sell me some peace of mind? it's what we value most our dollars or our sense or was common decency a fashion that came and went? ...sold

1 Jan 2005, 10:42 PM	#5 (permalink)
black_man Chuck lives here HSC: 2005 Gender: Male Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 202 Last Activity: 25 Apr 2009, 4:26 PM	i may add another from our studies of poetry in year 11, we were instructed to write a sonnet as part of our studies: child, where is the ribbon in your hair? that i have grown to love, where the smile? i think not even the cold winter air could burn my heart out - or dry those green eyes though beside me, you seem so far away from whence before, like heavens shining light the colour, when the world painted me grey sleep angel, i'll watch over you tonight i see you child, behind limestone gems I see me, all that i wanted to be though you waver, i'll be here at the end to see you smile - like you did for me only i may think you're a miracle but still, you will always be my angel