[sonyaleeisapixi]

firstly - youre sacraficing meaning for rhyme. that is, you use words because they rhyme, not because they give the peice meaning. try free flow, and this will force you to consider the weight of each word you write.

secondly - theres no real style, theme, or meaning in the peice. this is due to a variety of factors, but mainly because your subject matter is not only cliche, but poor executed. read more poetry. play around with flow, meter, symbols, metaphors, imagery. poetry should evoke emotion, paint pictures. this does none of those because more so than poetry, its poorly organised words that rhyme.

third - to the cliche. there is very few people who can write cliche and do it well. youre probably not one of them, god knows Im not. if you want to express something this over done, you need to do it uniquely so we believe you actual feel these things, not that its just a convienient rhyme. you do this by reading and hearing other peoples work, by playing around with images and metaphors, and most of all, by practise.


i could deconstruct it completely but thats a waste of time. keep trying. read more poetry, classical, contemporary, listen to spoken word, and most of all keep trying.