This is the first body paragraph in my essay with the question "The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write but those who cannot learn, unlearn and relearn. Agree or disagree?"
In the 21 st century – the age of creation and innovation, while everything seems to be on the advancement of developing comprehensively, it is natural that the definition of a word is also changing. The word ‘illiterate’ derives from the Latin ‘illiteratus’ which means unlearned and ignorant, after that, from time to time, it had implied “not able to read and write”. However, evidently, only the skills of identifying letters are not enough to acknowledge an individual as literate, especially what people should to be able to read and comprehend at the present time is beyond a simply alphabet such as Pascal, Java or C++. Human needs to constantly attempt all methods in their abilities for the purpose of collecting and accumulating knowledge. Individuals who for any reasons could not receive education fully and methodically but do not intend to start all over again by unlearning and relearning will possibly be left behind where they have to confront with ignorance, backwardness or even poverty. They will perhaps fall into the same predicaments as illiterates in the old days. Multiple researches of the US Census Bureau shows that a higher percentage of young adults (31%) without a high school diploma live in poverty, compared to the 24% of young people who finished high school. Consequently, it can be said that considering the statement of Alvin Toffler in this aspect, it is completely perceptive and correct.
It was proofread and edited by a teacher before I handed it to my ESL teacher. However, she said my essay has a lot of problems, especially the topic sentence. She said I cannot include the phrase "In the 21st century - the age of creation and innovation"" since it is irrelevant to the question and messes the essay up. Also the second sentence giving the definition of the word "illiterate" is digressive and unconnected to the rest of the paragraph according to her (About it, I agree with her
). I'm pretty confused by her opinion about the phrase above, I think it just helps to "polish" my essay and not that irrelevant.
Please give me some advice whether I should include some phrases like that in my topic sentence or not and also your opinions about the second sentences. If you find out mistakes in my paragraphs, please correct it for me! Thank you so much!
In the 21 st century – the age of creation and innovation, while everything seems to be on the advancement of developing comprehensively, it is natural that the definition of a word is also changing. The word ‘illiterate’ derives from the Latin ‘illiteratus’ which means unlearned and ignorant, after that, from time to time, it had implied “not able to read and write”. However, evidently, only the skills of identifying letters are not enough to acknowledge an individual as literate, especially what people should to be able to read and comprehend at the present time is beyond a simply alphabet such as Pascal, Java or C++. Human needs to constantly attempt all methods in their abilities for the purpose of collecting and accumulating knowledge. Individuals who for any reasons could not receive education fully and methodically but do not intend to start all over again by unlearning and relearning will possibly be left behind where they have to confront with ignorance, backwardness or even poverty. They will perhaps fall into the same predicaments as illiterates in the old days. Multiple researches of the US Census Bureau shows that a higher percentage of young adults (31%) without a high school diploma live in poverty, compared to the 24% of young people who finished high school. Consequently, it can be said that considering the statement of Alvin Toffler in this aspect, it is completely perceptive and correct.
It was proofread and edited by a teacher before I handed it to my ESL teacher. However, she said my essay has a lot of problems, especially the topic sentence. She said I cannot include the phrase "In the 21st century - the age of creation and innovation"" since it is irrelevant to the question and messes the essay up. Also the second sentence giving the definition of the word "illiterate" is digressive and unconnected to the rest of the paragraph according to her (About it, I agree with her
). I'm pretty confused by her opinion about the phrase above, I think it just helps to "polish" my essay and not that irrelevant. Please give me some advice whether I should include some phrases like that in my topic sentence or not and also your opinions about the second sentences. If you find out mistakes in my paragraphs, please correct it for me! Thank you so much!
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