Belonging Short Story

[TheGusBus]

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What would you mark this narrative out of 15?


I woke up with a fright. There were loud noises all around me. I jumped out of bed and looked out the window to see the terror smother my world. I couldn’t clearly see what was happening but there was chaos. Everywhere I looked people were screaming and running blindly. I looked away from the window and turned to run downstairs when I was lifted off my feet and was flung into a wall. A bomb hit my house and had blown half the wall off. There was mess everywhere and cuts all over my body. I couldn’t hear my family so I had to assume the worse and try to save myself. I felt alienated; there was no one. I was alone. I slowly got up and made my way for the door. Another blast! I slipped and hit my head. Everything around me caved to darkness as I lost consciousness.

I came to and slowly opened my eyes. It was night time but there were still, what seemed to be, floodlights all over the streets and the sound of helicopters flying overhead filled my ears. I was so confused. There was debris everywhere and I could see figures of faces I once knew hiding in the black. “Why are they hiding?” I thought. A spotlight covered me. No time a think. A deep voice came at me like a spear, “You! Stop where you are!”
I desperately looked towards one of the people hiding and he just said “Run”.
I didn’t question him and I ran as fast as I could just to get away. I couldn’t lose them no matter how fast I ran. There was no point in trying. The spotlight kept catching up to me and they were getting closer and closer. There was some hope. I saw a river up ahead and knew that if there was a chance to lose them that it would be now. In the second that the light faltered, I took the chance. I dove into the icy cold water, held my breath and swam as fast as I possibly could. I was shivering to the bone and out of breath, but I was determined.

It seemed like an eternity the time I was submerged but when I finally came up they had not found me. A wave of relief went over my body and then I realised how tired I was. I swam to the riverbank and collapsed on the sand. I awoke soon after to come to grips with my new world order. My town had been attacked and my family had been killed. I now have to be independent if I want to survive. There was no one but myself. I stood up and walked towards town. I had to figure out what was going on. As I neared the town I heard shouting. I crawled over a hill and scanned the town to see where it was coming from. I found it. There was a man standing on top of a tank. He was yelling orders in a foreign language. I looked to see what he was yelling at and what I saw disgusted me. There were soldiers dragging civilians in chains towards a room, those who showed any resistance were simply shot and tossed aside. I went to move closer but I heard a twig crack. I looked to the side and saw a soldier walking in my direction with a rifle in his hand. There was nothing I could do. If I moved he would surely shoot me. I slowly brushed some leaves and debris over my body in an attempt to conceal myself.




He came within a metre and was peering over the hill when the same voice that came at me from the helicopter come out of his radio.
“Captain, Have you found him yet? “
”No Lieutenant I haven’t. I will find him though, there is no doubt” said the soldier.
The Lieutenant replied, “His escape jeopardises my whole operation and it is essential that we capture him”.
“I understand Lieutenant” ended the Captain.
Sweat was dripping off my face; I glanced to the left and saw a rock. He was going to turn around and when he did there would be nothing I could do. I slowly slid over and picked up the rock and as I approached him he started to turn. When he saw me he gasped in shock and went for his rifle but it was too late, I had already swung and the rock had connected with his face. He wasn’t dead, just unconscious. I took his gear and his clothing. I stood up and looked over towards the town and used the soldiers’ binoculars to see up close, the devastation that had come across my town. I saw the face of destruction, this ‘Lieutenant’ that the man was talking to. He had no remorse. Male; female; child; it didn’t matter to him, only those that joined him were offered any concern in his mind.

My instincts told me to walk down and try to shoot him myself to end this mess but then I thought “Hold on a second, I am the threat. It is me who has caused this egotistical bastard to stress the fact that this ‘operation’ is at a complete undoing because of the fact that I escaped.” There was only one thing I could do. I had to turn back and travel until I found something that would threaten him, a force that could get rid of his regime. I had to alienate myself and speak to those whom I could trust. It will be a long and arduous journey, but this man has to be defeated.

[bored of sc]

Originally Posted by TheGusBus

What would you mark this narrative out of 15?


I woke up with a fright. There were loud noises all around me. I jumped out of bed and looked out the window to see the terror smother my world. I couldn’t clearly see what was happening but there was chaos. Everywhere I looked people were screaming and running blindly. I looked away from the window and turned to run downstairs when I was lifted off my feet and was flung into a wall. A bomb hit my house and had blown half the wall off. There was mess everywhere and cuts all over my body. I couldn’t hear my family so I had to assume the worse and try to save myself. I felt alienated; there was no one. I was alone. I slowly got up and made my way for the door. Another blast! I slipped and hit my head. Everything around me caved to darkness as I lost consciousness.

I came to and slowly opened my eyes. It was night time but there were still, what seemed to be, floodlights all over the streets and the sound of helicopters flying overhead filled my ears. I was so confused. There was debris everywhere and I could see figures of faces I once knew hiding in the black. “Why are they hiding?” I thought. A spotlight covered me. No time a think. A deep voice came at me like a spear, “You! Stop where you are!”
I desperately looked towards one of the people hiding and he just said “Run”.
I didn’t question him and I ran as fast as I could just to get away. I couldn’t lose them no matter how fast I ran. There was no point in trying. The spotlight kept catching up to me and they were getting closer and closer. There was some hope. I saw a river up ahead and knew that if there was a chance to lose them that it would be now. In the second that the light faltered, I took the chance. I dove into the icy cold water, held my breath and swam as fast as I possibly could. I was shivering to the bone and out of breath, but I was determined.

It seemed like an eternity the time I was submerged but when I finally came up they had not found me. A wave of relief went over my body and then I realised how tired I was. I swam to the riverbank and collapsed on the sand. I awoke soon after to come to grips with my new world order. My town had been attacked and my family had been killed. I now have to be independent if I want to survive. There was no one but myself. I stood up and walked towards town. I had to figure out what was going on. As I neared the town I heard shouting. I crawled over a hill and scanned the town to see where it was coming from. I found it. There was a man standing on top of a tank. He was yelling orders in a foreign language. I looked to see what he was yelling at and what I saw disgusted me. There were soldiers dragging civilians in chains towards a room, those who showed any resistance were simply shot and tossed aside. I went to move closer but I heard a twig crack. I looked to the side and saw a soldier walking in my direction with a rifle in his hand. There was nothing I could do. If I moved he would surely shoot me. I slowly brushed some leaves and debris over my body in an attempt to conceal myself.




He came within a metre and was peering over the hill when the same voice that came at me from the helicopter come out of his radio.
“Captain, Have you found him yet? “
”No Lieutenant I haven’t. I will find him though, there is no doubt” said the soldier.
The Lieutenant replied, “His escape jeopardises my whole operation and it is essential that we capture him”.
“I understand Lieutenant” ended the Captain.
Sweat was dripping off my face; I glanced to the left and saw a rock. He was going to turn around and when he did there would be nothing I could do. I slowly slid over and picked up the rock and as I approached him he started to turn. When he saw me he gasped in shock and went for his rifle but it was too late, I had already swung and the rock had connected with his face. He wasn’t dead, just unconscious. I took his gear and his clothing. I stood up and looked over towards the town and used the soldiers’ binoculars to see up close, the devastation that had come across my town. I saw the face of destruction, this ‘Lieutenant’ that the man was talking to. He had no remorse. Male; female; child; it didn’t matter to him, only those that joined him were offered any concern in his mind.

My instincts told me to walk down and try to shoot him myself to end this mess but then I thought “Hold on a second, I am the threat. It is me who has caused this egotistical bastard to stress the fact that this ‘operation’ is at a complete undoing because of the fact that I escaped.” There was only one thing I could do. I had to turn back and travel until I found something that would threaten him, a force that could get rid of his regime. I had to alienate myself and speak to those whom I could trust. It will be a long and arduous journey, but this man has to be defeated.

I haven't got time to do a long comment. Mark: 11-12/15. Reads well and is interesting but too simple in terms of language. I am by no means a marker. It's a good piece of writing , trust me. Give more description to make the imagery more precise.

[terminator69]

Originally Posted by bored of sc

Give more description to make the imagery more precise.

Yeah, I think the imagery was very good and agree that more description can improve it further.

[TheGusBus]

My teacher introduced me to this website after i submitted this piece.
I did infact get an 11/15 for this short story with a note of "Very effect introduction + nice use of imagery"

Had i known about this website earlier i probably could've received closer to 15.

[pooja_107]

heyyy..
i'm having trouble writin a belonging story..

what website r u talking about???

[gurusson]

way to short

[toodsy]

i need help with ideas on a belonging short story has anyone got any?

[lychnobity]

Use the search function. Damned noobs.

http://community.boredofstudies.org/...ting+belonging

http://community.boredofstudies.org/...ting+belonging

http://community.boredofstudies.org/...ting+belonging

http://community.boredofstudies.org/...ting+belonging

http://community.boredofstudies.org/...ting+belonging

[eriito]

Originally Posted by gurusson

way to short

Title does mention "short"

[annabackwards]

I'd give it about a 10/15.

You need to describe in more detail, fix up your english (it's a bit too basic) and perhaps have a twist/more definite ending

[dd24]

Originally Posted by annabackwards

I'd give it about a 10/15.

You need to describe in more detail, fix up your english (it's a bit too basic) and perhaps have a twist/more definite ending

yeh and make it a bit longer thanx

[electrolysis]

thats probably only 3-4 pages in the booklet.. definitely needs to be longer
agree with others, ~10/15

[lychnobity]

Add everyone's comments and critiques together and it comes down to one thing: you're not saying anything or capturing any unique aspect of belonging.

In 2 words: it's boring.

[eriito]

Originally Posted by lychnobity

In 2 words: it's boring.

2 or 3 words?

[hermand]

i feel like it's too simple, it tries to create a sense of mystery but everything is given away. "I was lifted off my feet and was flung into a wall. A bomb hit my house and had blown half the wall off. could have been really descriptive, creating an in depth image, and it's too conversational and matter-of-fact i think. you set something up to be great, and then it's very anti climactic. it happens a lot. if that was improved i think i'd like it a lot more.