Belonging Short Story

[roar84eighty]

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Originally Posted by Revelation

how the fuck is this related to belonging?

i was thinking this from the beginning. No one honestly thinks 'wow i feel so alienated' when a fucking bomb crumbles one of the walls of their house

[sikhman]

yeah...doesn't seem very authentic as in what a person would be thinking...

lol

[Aerath]

What all the above posts said. Might also wanna mention that in most armies, Lieutenants are lower on the Chain of Command than Captains.

[Kaatie]

only read first paragraph... didnt want to make me read more. I did this then i did that then this happened... sounds like a recount. use all five senses too to create good descriptions

[Kaos1]

well, that was for my trials any way, and i got 11/15... im pleased

is there any way i can improve on it? because i would like a higher mark (if thats possible).

ive taken into account what Kaatie said about the 5 senses, and ill get back to you with any alterations.

ooh, and by the way!! (rowdyroddy) i am NOT a retard!! is it even possible for a NORMAL person to at least TRY at something he fails at?! u should b ashamed of yourself.

i dont appreciate predjidice in the slightest when i am trying to improve on something i need help in.

[jess5377]

have you ever seen the movie behind enemy lines? with owen wilson? cause there are a few similarities...

[Sadiah]

Originally Posted by TheGusBus

What would you mark this narrative out of 15?


I woke up with a fright. There were loud noises all around me. I jumped out of bed and looked out the window to see the terror smother my world. I couldn’t clearly see what was happening but there was chaos. Everywhere I looked people were screaming and running blindly. I looked away from the window and turned to run downstairs when I was lifted off my feet and was flung into a wall. A bomb hit my house and had blown half the wall off. There was mess everywhere and cuts all over my body. I couldn’t hear my family so I had to assume the worse and try to save myself. I felt alienated; there was no one. I was alone. I slowly got up and made my way for the door. Another blast! I slipped and hit my head. Everything around me caved to darkness as I lost consciousness.

I came to and slowly opened my eyes. It was night time but there were still, what seemed to be, floodlights all over the streets and the sound of helicopters flying overhead filled my ears. I was so confused. There was debris everywhere and I could see figures of faces I once knew hiding in the black. “Why are they hiding?” I thought. A spotlight covered me. No time a think. A deep voice came at me like a spear, “You! Stop where you are!”
I desperately looked towards one of the people hiding and he just said “Run”.
I didn’t question him and I ran as fast as I could just to get away. I couldn’t lose them no matter how fast I ran. There was no point in trying. The spotlight kept catching up to me and they were getting closer and closer. There was some hope. I saw a river up ahead and knew that if there was a chance to lose them that it would be now. In the second that the light faltered, I took the chance. I dove into the icy cold water, held my breath and swam as fast as I possibly could. I was shivering to the bone and out of breath, but I was determined.

It seemed like an eternity the time I was submerged but when I finally came up they had not found me. A wave of relief went over my body and then I realised how tired I was. I swam to the riverbank and collapsed on the sand. I awoke soon after to come to grips with my new world order. My town had been attacked and my family had been killed. I now have to be independent if I want to survive. There was no one but myself. I stood up and walked towards town. I had to figure out what was going on. As I neared the town I heard shouting. I crawled over a hill and scanned the town to see where it was coming from. I found it. There was a man standing on top of a tank. He was yelling orders in a foreign language. I looked to see what he was yelling at and what I saw disgusted me. There were soldiers dragging civilians in chains towards a room, those who showed any resistance were simply shot and tossed aside. I went to move closer but I heard a twig crack. I looked to the side and saw a soldier walking in my direction with a rifle in his hand. There was nothing I could do. If I moved he would surely shoot me. I slowly brushed some leaves and debris over my body in an attempt to conceal myself.




He came within a metre and was peering over the hill when the same voice that came at me from the helicopter come out of his radio.
“Captain, Have you found him yet? “
”No Lieutenant I haven’t. I will find him though, there is no doubt” said the soldier.
The Lieutenant replied, “His escape jeopardises my whole operation and it is essential that we capture him”.
“I understand Lieutenant” ended the Captain.
Sweat was dripping off my face; I glanced to the left and saw a rock. He was going to turn around and when he did there would be nothing I could do. I slowly slid over and picked up the rock and as I approached him he started to turn. When he saw me he gasped in shock and went for his rifle but it was too late, I had already swung and the rock had connected with his face. He wasn’t dead, just unconscious. I took his gear and his clothing. I stood up and looked over towards the town and used the soldiers’ binoculars to see up close, the devastation that had come across my town. I saw the face of destruction, this ‘Lieutenant’ that the man was talking to. He had no remorse. Male; female; child; it didn’t matter to him, only those that joined him were offered any concern in his mind.

My instincts told me to walk down and try to shoot him myself to end this mess but then I thought “Hold on a second, I am the threat. It is me who has caused this egotistical bastard to stress the fact that this ‘operation’ is at a complete undoing because of the fact that I escaped.” There was only one thing I could do. I had to turn back and travel until I found something that would threaten him, a force that could get rid of his regime. I had to alienate myself and speak to those whom I could trust. It will be a long and arduous journey, but this man has to be defeated.

It's pretty good.

An interesting introduction to start off with - catches the readers attention.

But the conclusion is not so interesting. You need an expansion both in the body as well as the conclusion.

Overall: Good effort. .. Interesting story.

[Arceupins]

You write a bit 'simple' if you get what I mean:

I woke up with a fright. There were loud noises all around me. I jumped out of bed and looked out the window to see the terror smother my world.

Personally, I just make everything nice and obscure, while being overly descriptive; gets me high marks every time.

A sudden explosion of sound woke me from my slumber, my body contracting against it's force. For a few seconds I lay, my sweat-drenched sheets obscuring my form, whitened knuckles grasping out for some form of solace that did not appear.

Blah blah blah...

[xLilith]

I could be missing something, but how the hell is this related to belonging?

I agree that it's far too short, you seem to have an issue with sentence structure, his epiphany was lame and a little more dialogue would be nice.

8/15

And Kaos?
I don't see why you can use perfectly acceptable grammar in the story but then revert to the incoherent ramblings that only trolls possess.

[Kaos1]

I do apologise for my lack of Gramatical skills. (is 'gramatical' a word?)

Thanks for the input from all who helped. I really do appreciate it.

It realtes to belonging in that he was a villager in a village that got attacked by some army officer, had to run away to avoid being capured, and now is alone. It's not really 'belonging' as such, but more or less 'not beloning'

[jxfaye]

is it me or does he switch from 2nd person to first

[Ruthie_huegill]

Originally Posted by eriito

2 or 3 words?

haha, touche my friend