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Can someone give an impression of my Creative piece? (1 Viewer)

engie_benji

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Main thing ive tried to do is create imagery, add techniques plus a bit of humour. The main reference to place comes at the end but the stimuli did say people and place. My only concern is its length. Tell me what you all think please? Cheers



I open my eyes; the lights are as bright and unbearable as the uncovered son on the hottest day. Who are these creatures swarming me like flies upon a fresh wound? Im frightened, like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, feeling powerless. There’s nowhere to go, held by a pale, long haired giant, as I scream, almost silently in this open room. Next, I am passed, like a football, along a line for the next being to hold me. As moments go by, I am finally taken away from these monstrous beings, into an open room filled with small fragile individuals like myself, I feel I belong here, but, faster than a cheetah running from extinction, I am captured again, and taken from the building where the bright lights instantly disappear, and I am left staring into the dark and lonely atmosphere, lonelier than the last leaf on a tree before winter begins. Where were they taking me? I thought, as we moved swiftly in a strange vehicle. To pass time, and avoid the fearful circumstances I was in, I closed my eyes and fell into a sleep deeper, than the end of sight. Hours later, as I awoke, lying in an enclosed bed, I again felt isolated and screamed as loud as my new voicebox would allow, I regret this though, because the same scary, pale skinned, long haired giant approached me and grasped me with her bare hands, I was an ant. She started feeding me, a warm white liquid that I slurped noisily and finished nearly instantly. I then began to feel as sick as a naked man in the Antarctic, the liquid came back out of my mouth like a rushing waterfall, what had this monster done to me? Was this liquid poisonous?
Again I was placed into the same bed where I slept until sunrise. I was then collected and freshly bathed in the warmest water. Soon after, there was a plethora of monsters surrounding me, holding me, and pressing there lips upon my cheek. Was this a ritual for the monsters before they execute their victims? The door opened, I was carried through a maze-like garden, along a never-ending footpath and towards waters as blue as the sky on a summer afternoon. Yes there were many other scary giants here, but some also carried smaller folk relatively identical to me. This is where a new found positivity came alive. Were these creatures’ not evil monsters after all? Were these negative thoughts simply visions of my deluded imagination? Possibly these rituals are of no malicious intent at all.
When we returned, I was held in front of a shining silver square, where I could see both myself and the long haired entity holding me in the reflection. She was speaking to me, although I couldn’t understand her directly, the crescent moon smile and angelic voice assisted my realisation that these giants were not monsters, they were friends. The lady holding me loves me unconditionally, and I was simply a younger, smaller version of the same species.
From here, we grew faster than vines, closer than pages in a book. As she feeds me the nutrients needed for sufficient development, I return a love warmer than the thickest blanket on a winter night. Our companionship will last for eternity, I didn’t belong at that large building where I first opened my eyes, I didn’t belong at the open blue waters where I found these positive feelings. I belonged here, at my home, with my mother who loves me more than words could describe
 

michaeljennings

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We got told not to use the word 'belong' in our creative writing pieces and you may have gone overboard with similes and metaphors because it kind of impedes the progress of the story.
 
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mirakon

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Main thing ive tried to do is create imagery, add techniques plus a bit of humour. The main reference to place comes at the end but the stimuli did say people and place. My only concern is its length. Tell me what you all think please? Cheers



I open my eyes; the lights are as bright and unbearable as the uncovered son on the hottest day. Who are these creatures swarming me like flies upon a fresh wound? Im frightened, like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, feeling powerless. There’s nowhere to go, held by a pale, long haired giant, as I scream, almost silently in this open room. Next, I am passed, like a football, along a line for the next being to hold me. As moments go by, I am finally taken away from these monstrous beings, into an open room filled with small fragile individuals like myself, I feel I belong here, but, faster than a cheetah running from extinction, I am captured again, and taken from the building where the bright lights instantly disappear, and I am left staring into the dark and lonely atmosphere, lonelier than the last leaf on a tree before winter begins. Where were they taking me? I thought, as we moved swiftly in a strange vehicle. To pass time, and avoid the fearful circumstances I was in, I closed my eyes and fell into a sleep deeper, than the end of sight. Hours later, as I awoke, lying in an enclosed bed, I again felt isolated and screamed as loud as my new voicebox would allow, I regret this though, because the same scary, pale skinned, long haired giant approached me and grasped me with her bare hands, I was an ant. She started feeding me, a warm white liquid that I slurped noisily and finished nearly instantly. I then began to feel as sick as a naked man in the Antarctic, the liquid came back out of my mouth like a rushing waterfall, what had this monster done to me? Was this liquid poisonous?
Again I was placed into the same bed where I slept until sunrise. I was then collected and freshly bathed in the warmest water. Soon after, there was a plethora of monsters surrounding me, holding me, and pressing there lips upon my cheek. Was this a ritual for the monsters before they execute their victims? The door opened, I was carried through a maze-like garden, along a never-ending footpath and towards waters as blue as the sky on a summer afternoon. Yes there were many other scary giants here, but some also carried smaller folk relatively identical to me. This is where a new found positivity came alive. Were these creatures’ not evil monsters after all? Were these negative thoughts simply visions of my deluded imagination? Possibly these rituals are of no malicious intent at all.
When we returned, I was held in front of a shining silver square, where I could see both myself and the long haired entity holding me in the reflection. She was speaking to me, although I couldn’t understand her directly, the crescent moon smile and angelic voice assisted my realisation that these giants were not monsters, they were friends. The lady holding me loves me unconditionally, and I was simply a younger, smaller version of the same species.
From here, we grew faster than vines, closer than pages in a book. As she feeds me the nutrients needed for sufficient development, I return a love warmer than the thickest blanket on a winter night. Our companionship will last for eternity, I didn’t belong at that large building where I first opened my eyes, I didn’t belong at the open blue waters where I found these positive feelings. I belonged here, at my home, with my mother who loves me more than words could describe
Pedo?
 

themanman

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Hard to say without comparing it to other people's creative writing but idk maybe 10?
lol m8

it wasnt the best

but definitely more than 10

its about 12

losing marks for:

- telling not showing
- a bit bland
- too descriptive, hinders the flow
- remembered place is only focused on at the end
 

engie_benji

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cheers, i was hoping about 12, i knew it wasnt the best but thought it was better than a 10, 12 would be great :)
 

abc123yoyo

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sorry i would have to say a 10 too - its too descriptive, the only subtelty in the narrative is the fact that you dont say ur a new born - too many similes, redundencies and not really any emotional connection due to lack of character development
 

michaeljennings

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sorry i would have to say a 10 too - its too descriptive, the only subtelty in the narrative is the fact that you dont say ur a new born - too many similes, redundencies and not really any emotional connection due to lack of character development
Yes, the idea is well thought out but it is poorly written hence 10/15
 

fiesycal

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There's no 'remembering place' which the question specifically asked for. Just because the stimulus said people means nothing as the question says you 'MAY' use the stimulus. Some of the similes are a bit much and it seems forced. It doesn't flow too well, however the idea is fine. But the main thing is you didn't answer the specified question so straight away its already around a C range response. But keep in mind no one who has commented (including myself) are HSC markers so our estimates could be accurate or more likely we have no fucking idea what we are saying. In the end it doesn't matter, you can't do anything about it now, just study hard for your other exams. I'd say 10/15 at a push.
 

Rajishnu Sharma

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Sorry, bro, don't listen to these clowns
but you're actually getting a D.

No, I'm not trolling, it's just that bad.
Horribly overwritten like you're trying to compensate for something
Nothing to do with belonging and memories...babies don't have anything to remember

It would help if you actually let the audience know it was a baby at the beginning instead of them reading wondering what the hell was going on for your entire story...so bad - it's like 2001: A space Odyssey, just tripped out bs.

I'd say 5 - you don't capture the significance of memories to belonging at all, and it's just really bad writing - "like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs" - classic bullshit that makes no sense

Your only good line is : "Next, I am passed, like a football, along a line for the next being to hold me." - but it makes no sense because we don't know you're talking about a baby!
 

Riproot

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I'd say it's mid-low B range not high B. So I'd say 10-11/15.

The guy above me is a massive troll. One of the criteria is that the story is "engaging". If the marker has to read it more than once they have to give it at least a B-range mark for the engaging criteria.
 

Rajishnu Sharma

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I'd say it's mid-low B range not high B. So I'd say 10-11/15.

The guy above me is a massive troll. One of the criteria is that the story is "engaging". If the marker has to read it more than once they have to give it at least a B-range mark for the engaging criteria.
The marker isn't allowed to read it more than once - you'd get a D - this guy's trolling on me. If it doesn't make sense the first time, then it's not 'engaging'
 

mirakon

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Sorry, bro, don't listen to these clowns
but you're actually getting a D.

No, I'm not trolling, it's just that bad.
Horribly overwritten like you're trying to compensate for something
Nothing to do with belonging and memories...babies don't have anything to remember

It would help if you actually let the audience know it was a baby at the beginning instead of them reading wondering what the hell was going on for your entire story...so bad - it's like 2001: A space Odyssey, just tripped out bs.I'd say 5 - you don't capture the significance of memories to belonging at all, and it's just really bad writing - "like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs" - classic bullshit that makes no sense

Your only good line is : "Next, I am passed, like a football, along a line for the next being to hold me." - but it makes no sense because we don't know you're talking about a baby!
Except 2001: A Space Odyssey is a freakin awesome movie and people like you who say its just "tripped out bs" obviously lack the intelligence to understand what it is about.
 

MadGold777

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I'm not a fan...
I started reading got about four lines in and stopped!
It was soo descriptive i had no idea what was going on, and it just didnt draw me in sorry.

A good creative writting peice, captures interest of the audience; urging them to read on.
 

engie_benji

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Sharma just comes on here for fun and to laugh at those who care about their education

I'm not a fan...
I started reading got about four lines in and stopped!
It was soo descriptive i had no idea what was going on, and it just didnt draw me in sorry.

A good creative writting peice, captures interest of the audience; urging them to read on.
Thats alright i want peoples true, realistic opinions. Looks like anything above 10 will be a bonus, theres 5 marks lost already lol
 

Riproot

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The marker isn't allowed to read it more than once - you'd get a D - this guy's trolling on me. If it doesn't make sense the first time, then it's not 'engaging'
The markers get given the papers to read. They can read them as many times as they want as long as they mark them in time.
 
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clementc

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I'm really sorry but it's kind of true what the others have said. Most of the story honestly is unrealistic (they love to look for something credible), and the rest doesn't make sense.

I think the unrealistic speed at which the baby suddenly goes from urghh pale slimy fingers to I LOVE THESE PEOPLE seems really forced.

But I think the very worst thing was the bombardment of forced metaphors that just come one after another and are completely unrelated to what you're saying, like
"sick as a naked man in the Antarctic"
"as bright and unbearable as the uncovered son on the hottest day" (what does that mean?)
"lonelier than the last leaf on a tree before winter begins"
"like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs" made me want to cry

It's kind of like if I were to say, "we watched in silence as the soft light of daybreak radiated off the farm, breathing life into it as a lifesaver in his unclothed state kneels beside a drowned man and resuscitates him with two breaths per thirty compressions"
 
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