Please read.. creative piece.. (1 Viewer)

nomore3x5

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‘Journeys are an extension of personal boundaries’
Write a letter to your relative about a recent journey you have encountered, discussing the above quote.

Rachel Jones
123 Alphabet Rd
Alphabet Ville
NSW 1234
AUSTRALIA
October 11, 2005

Aunt Lucy
234 Number Rd
Notre Dame
FRANCE FV-2345

Dear Aunt Lucy,

How are you? I hope this letter finds you well. I appologise for not writing sooner, only I have recently been very busy at work, editing a new book which is to be published by the infamous explorer Sir Richard Smith, a man who has not only explored the likes of Mount Everest and the Himalayas, but has indeed explored the world and in doing so has gained rather a vast amount of knowledge and extended his personal boundaries.

In editing Sir Smith’s book I have myself, learnt that life is indeed not a dress rehearsal and in fact, a challenge which presents us with many challenges – all of which, are made to shape us and open our eyes to not only our surroundings but ourselves. Fortunately, I have been lucky enough to be able to converse with Sir Smith and the stories he has to share and the knowledge he can provide is astonishing. When Sir Smith was younger he was bullied and constantly criticized at school not just by his peers, but by his teachers. He was constantly told that he could never make it in the world and that he was a failure. However, Richard took it upon himself to prove his critics wrong and in doing so, decided first to escape from his daily surroundings and traveled to such countries as Italy and France. In Italy and in France, Richard faced the difficulty of not only having to learn new languages, but of traveling alone and being without friends or family for the first time in his life. Due to his own fortitude and enthusiasm for life, this did not discourage him but indeed caused him to become a stronger person and taught him how to live outside his own personal ‘shell’. He learnt how to adapt to different societies and most importantly, he learnt tolerance of others.

When Sir Smith returned home from this first journey he discovered a greater love and appreciation for his home but also for the world and its people. Sir Smith’s next adventure, took place at the age of 24, after the death of his closest friend, whom he lost to cancer. This time, he traveled with his closest friends, (as they realized that life was too short to simply, give away) to Africa to unravel, experience and share a culture which they were not accustomed to. Sir Smith says his voyage to Africa was ‘the most eye-opening experience of his life’. In Africa, Sir Smith did not only discover a new culture and lifestyle but in his words; ‘a whole new world’. Whilst traveling in Africa, Sir Smith visited some of the poorest and most underprivileged regions of the globe. On a daily basis, Sir Smith saw innocent children, some even younger than the age of 8 pass away to poverty and malnutrition. Children, who due to the lack of funding and resources available in their country lost their lives and in some cases their parents through no fault of their own, these children, he says had ‘a lack of not only food and money but most notably, education’. At first, Sir Smith told me that both he and his friends found this an uncomfortable situation to be placed in – feeling helpless and in addition, having a lack of communications skills felt compelled to just walk away and ignore the situation. Surely enough though, his determination and enthusiasm for life sprung to action and within a week both he and his friends had helped to establish schools for the children at which they taught at for the next 6 months – placing their own holiday plans on hold. Yet again, Sir Smith had allowed himself and this time, even taught his friends to live outside their own boundaries and to help people of a different race and culture to live more enriched lives.

Since then, Sir Smith has devoted his life to helping those less privileged not just in his own country, but in all continents of the globe. By climbing such mountains as Mount Everest and Mount Kosciusko, Sir Smith has managed to gain a great deal of media coverage, which he then used to raise funds for his own personal projects around the globe. He has helped to establish centres for the death and blind throughout America and Europe, build hospitals and schools for children and adults in third world countries, such as Ethiopia and has even helped in such disastrous times as the recent Boxing Day Tsunami of 2004.

In my opinion, Sir Smith’s journey is one to be admired. From being a shy, closed up child with low self esteem to a rather well established and world renowned hero for the world’s community. He most certainly, has proved to me and soon others, that a journey is not merely a trek from point A to B, but a voyage that allows us to gain a greater understanding, a greater tolerance and a greater passion for the world and it’s people regardless of age, race, sex or religion. A journey shows no bias and opens up our own world extending our personal boundaries.

As I said previously, Sir Smith’s book has had a great effect on me and caused me to be very busy over the past few weeks. It has however, given me great motivation to travel the world myself and thus, will be making my own trek to Rio De Janeiro, Bombay and of course, to visit you in France. I hope to make my trip in December to February of this year through to next. I will be arriving in Paris on the 1st of February next year. I look forward to seeing you and of course, to extending my own personal boundaries but most importantly, to visiting you and the rest of the family.

Keep well,
I look forward to seeing you,
Love from,
Rachel
Your niece – the explorer.
 
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nwatts

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Ok, I'm not going to read it until you put paragraphs in.

I'm not being an asshole, but paragraphs = absolutely 100% needed in all circumstances.
 

pRiNCesS..!!

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nwatts said:
Ok, I'm not going to read it until you put paragraphs in.

I'm not being an asshole, but paragraphs = absolutely 100% needed in all circumstances.
there are paragraphs..lots of them in fact.they just havnt been indented!
 

Mellonie

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hmmm honest opinion...

Boring... like ur not drawing me in at all? like in a letter to ur aunty or something u tell her about some other dudes life? like i dunno its not working for me, maybe i'm wrong, but i'm just teling u how it comes across to me


Um my suggestion to u...

that paragraph u talk about how his journey is inspiring or something.. how about expanding that. Um basically i dont even find his jounrey inspiring cuz all i keep hearing through ur essay is "smith" repeated and repeated, i cant event connect with ur persona cuz i feel as though theirs a barrir.

Did u think about making th ewhole thing in first person u wouldnt have to keep refering to Mr smith, which is like the most annoying thing u could cuz i feel like i dont know who Riichard smith is so how can he even insipire me...

like seriously... u got a a good concept, emphasize his personal boudaries more i feel like wow so what his teacher said that... talk about his samily and how about throw in a little story like about his personal encountarance as a child

i hope u take criticm as a helping thing
 
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nwatts

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It wasn't terribly interesting (sorry!), but it was soundly written, contained a lot of information and answered the question effectively. The form of a letter really limits creativity, and unfortunately you haven't done anything remarkable with the form (although there's not a whole lot you can do).

I'm not sure on a mark. On one hand, it deserves a 12 or similar for fulfilling everything required. But on another hand, it's very plain and unoriginal, so it could only get around an 8.

What do others think?
 

Mellonie

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nwatts said:
It wasn't terribly interesting (sorry!), but it was soundly written, contained a lot of information and answered the question effectively. The form of a letter really limits creativity, and unfortunately you haven't done anything remarkable with the form (although there's not a whole lot you can do).

I'm not sure on a mark. On one hand, it deserves a 12 or similar for fulfilling everything required. But on another hand, it's very plain and unoriginal, so it could only get around an 8.

What do others think?

well i feel as though ok theirs some type of journey about the smith person
but really lacking to explore the roots...

honestly c range
doesnt reach B
like i would say 6-7
only cuz i have seen 13/15 stories they develop idea n plot in like 2 paragraphs, and the rest of it is the impact of the juourney the growth
 

nwatts

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True.

I'm just thinking in relation to my own work, that scores between 14-15, the journey element usually comes in at the conclusion to resonate throughout the entire piece. Only as a retrospective will the reader become aware and will be able to fully comprehend the journey taken place.

So i'm not sure if you have to develop an idea in a short amount of time... although it can prove helpful to whoever's marking.

Yeah, I'd give it an 8. Just had another browse through. Its language is sound enough (there's no gaping grammatical/spelling/structure mistakes) for it to get a low B IMO. It just lacks the conceptual stuff and the spark of creativity needed for A-range responses.
 

Mellonie

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nwatts said:
True.

I'm just thinking in relation to my own work, that scores between 14-15, the journey element usually comes in at the conclusion to resonate throughout the entire piece. Only as a retrospective will the reader become aware and will be able to fully comprehend the journey taken place.

So i'm not sure if you have to develop an idea in a short amount of time... although it can prove helpful to whoever's marking.

Yeah, I'd give it an 8. Just had another browse through. Its language is sound enough (there's no gaping grammatical/spelling/structure mistakes) for it to get a low B IMO. It just lacks the conceptual stuff and the spark of creativity needed for A-range responses.

well it is typed grammer on a computer... did she do it nin 40 minutes? like other factors affect it... i saw ur work... yes definately agree with the 15/15 n yes i saw how ur conclusion was like "oh yer i got what ur on about now".. but like with this one its not actually creating suspese for me to even anna keep reading uno

like a examiner has to kept in concentration, like dont u feel like ur being forced to read it cuz u have to give it a mark
 

Vampire

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Err I'd like to see anyone get the standards Mellonie and nwatts are asking for in a 40 min letter considering you gave this 8
 

nomore3x5

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i did it in forty minutes and i typed it after i hand-wrote it and i dont trust computer grammer - its crap!
thanks for your responses though
so if i perhaps did it from him to say an old friend or something??
 

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