Belonging Short Story (2 Viewers)

[bell531]

One thing I noticed in your story, and something I do too often, is language which forcefully "leads" the reader through it, instead subtle description which "guides" the reader.

 

[Empyrean444]

How many words do you think are enough? Personally, I'm of the mind (and my teachers agree) that 800 words is plenty within the 40 minutes assigned to creative writing.

i think that, at the upper range, about 1200 is needed in 40 min. If you resolved to reallocate, say, about 5min of the creative time to the proper essay, then i think about 1100 words for the narrative ought to be permissable in targeting the top band.

 

[Aerath]

You'd be hard pressed to find kids that you write their 1200 ESSAY in the 40 mins - let alone a creative.

 

[annabackwards]

My story is only 936 words and it got either a 14 or 15 from every teacher that has read it so far XD

I guess it's another quality over quantity case

 

[sebo938]

Yer i agree 900 should be enough, i mean its quality not quantity isn't it?

 

[rowdyroddy]

ok thanks for your idea, im gonna use this as my main idea and concept for my belonging exam tomorrow

so ah, what could be a better ending to this story guys?

 

[lyounamu]

i think that, at the upper range, about 1200 is needed in 40 min. If you resolved to reallocate, say, about 5min of the creative time to the proper essay, then i think about 1100 words for the narrative ought to be permissable in targeting the top band.

^Don't mess with this dude. This dude is the best writer that our school has ever produced. Whatever he says is true. =)

But unfortunately, I won't be able to write 1100 words

 

[prothwell]

Had me rerminiscing of the tomorrow series by John Marsden.
The bit where he knocks out the soldier with a rock is from one of the books.
I remember it distinctly.

Besides that, not a bad story - holds interest well.
Could be improved with more effective language techniques,
and descriptive sensory language - i.e smell, feel, noise.

 

[beve]

"There was a man standing on top of a tank. He was yelling orders in a foreign language."

"He came within a metre and was peering over the hill when the same voice that came at me from the helicopter come out of his radio."

So, he speaks in a foreign language and then speaks perfectly understandable, bland English.

See also: plot holes you could drive a truck through.
See also: 3/15

 

[beve]

Okay a little harsh, but still, develop it more, man.

 

[mocksock]

how is this related to belonging

 

[Kaos1]

below is my edit of TheGusBus's story. by rights, he should recieve all of the credit, because it is his idea. but with my alterations, what would you give it out of 15?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

BANG!!

An ear-piercing whistle makes your head hurt immediately. Unsure of what just happened, you roll out of bed and, holding your ears in sheer pain, you stagger toward the door to investigate, when...

KA-BOOM!! CRASH!! CRUMBLE!!

You’re picked up and thrown from the door to the wall on the other side of the room. Sore all over and still holding your ears, you manage to glance towards the door, or at-least, where the door used to be.

There is now a hole where the entire wall was. Outside, you can see people running around in a screaming panic... all goes black...

I arose to the ‘thump-thump-thump’ of a helicopter over head. From where I was laying, I could see familiar faces hiding in he shadows. The night air crisp and the spotlight clear. Its light surrounded me, along with a splitting voice,

“You there! Stop where you are!”

A look of panic filled the hiding faces. All they could say is

“RUN!”

Without a second word of a doubt, I mounted me feet, and pelted down the road as fast as my inefficient legs would carry me. The pain of the explosion no longer worried me, and my ears were no longer an issue. The only thing on my mind was to get away from that spotlight.

Either the spotlight was too fast, or I was too slow, but I could not lose it, and the helicopter was getting closer. Ahead was the river, marking the outskirts of town, and was my only hope for escape. As the spotlight began to flutter behind the trees, I took my chance, and dove to save my life.

Holding my breath under water, I swam for as far as I could. The water was like ice, and felt like thousands of needles all over my body were drilling to my bone. But I would not give up.

After what seemed like an eternity under water, I emerged not that far from the other side, only to find the helicopter off in the distance, still looking for me.

I was able to drag myself out of the icy water, and collapsed near a bush on the soft sand. Sleep took over where adrenalin was, and I lost consciousness.

I arose to the warm wisps of sunlight licking at my aching body. As I began to move toward town again, I found it hard to come to grips with what had happened the night before. The town had been attacked, and many killed. I now had to be independent if I wanted to survive. There was now no one else but me.

As I got close, I could hear shouting and screaming. I found refuge in a bush on a hill overlooking the town. As I scanned the now totalled and demolished town, what I saw disgusted me.

I could see a man, standing on a heavily armoured tank, yelling orders to some near-by troops. Other soldiers were dragging civilians, my friends, in chains towards one of the open door-ways. Any of them who showed resistance were shot, and tossed aside.

Found it hard to watch, but I could not tear my eyes away. Near-by, I heard a twig crack. I dare not move a muscle.

To my side, I could see a soldier walking toward me, rifle in hand, if he knew I were here, I’d surely be dead.

The soldier came within a meter of me, and stopped. He appeared to be looking at the chaos of the town.

The same voice that was yelling at me from the helicopter the night before suddenly came blaring out of his radio.

“Captain! Have yo found him yet?!”

“No Lieutenant, I havn’t. but I will find him though, there is no doubt,” said the soldier.

The Lieutenant replied, “His escape jeopardises my whole operation! It is essential you capture him!”

“I understand Lieutenant,” ended the captain.

I could no longer see properly through all the sweat and fear clouding my eyes. The soldier turned, and began to walk. Slowly, I got out of the bush, and with rock in hand, approached the soldier.

As I was about to strike, the soldier turned, but it was too late, WHAM! My rock connected with his head. He collapsed on the ground, dead or out cold, I cared not. I took his gear and clothing, and stood staring at the town.

That man must be stopped, but I had no idea how. I remembered him saying over the radio that I was a threat.

It was the hardest thing to do, but now I was alone, I had no choice but to escape and find someone who could help. This man must be stopped.

 

[Revelation]

15/15

 

[Kaos1]

yaay, thank you!

(im failing at english, but in u saying that actually gave me new hope, thank u)

 

[Aerath]

yaay, thank you!

(im failing at english, but in u saying that actually gave me new hope, thank u)

He's a troll, you know...[not saying that it isn't worth 15, but just thought you'd wanna know]

 

[Kaos1]

way to ruin the happy feeling

 

[Kaos1]

but in all seriousness, i just want to know what some of you english experts think of it.
including TheGasBus, because it is his story

Aerath, your a genious, wat would u rate it?

 

[Revelation]

how the fuck is this related to belonging?

 

[Jeee]

I would mark it an 11/15. Maybe even a 10/15. It's amateurish. You need to work on your creative writing skills. My best tip to you is READ. Reading will enhance your writing greatly. Also, listen to the constructive feedback your teacher gives you. What did she tell you to improve on? Where were your faults?

 

[lychnobity]

below is my edit of TheGusBus's story. by rights, he should recieve all of the credit, because it is his idea. but with my alterations, what would you give it out of 15?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

BANG!!

An ear-piercing whistle makes your head hurt immediately. Unsure of what just happened, you roll out of bed and, holding your ears in sheer pain, you stagger toward the door to investigate, when...

KA-BOOM!! CRASH!! CRUMBLE!!

You’re picked up and thrown from the door to the wall on the other side of the room. Sore all over and still holding your ears, you manage to glance towards the door, or at-least, where the door used to be.

There is now a hole where the entire wall was. Outside, you can see people running around in a screaming panic... all goes black...

I arose to the ‘thump-thump-thump’ of a helicopter over head. From where I was laying, I could see familiar faces hiding in he shadows. The night air crisp and the spotlight clear. Its light surrounded me, along with a splitting voice,

“You there! Stop where you are!”

A look of panic filled the hiding faces. All they could say is

“RUN!”

Without a second word of a doubt, I mounted me feet, and pelted down the road as fast as my inefficient legs would carry me. The pain of the explosion no longer worried me, and my ears were no longer an issue. The only thing on my mind was to get away from that spotlight.

Either the spotlight was too fast, or I was too slow, but I could not lose it, and the helicopter was getting closer. Ahead was the river, marking the outskirts of town, and was my only hope for escape. As the spotlight began to flutter behind the trees, I took my chance, and dove to save my life.

Holding my breath under water, I swam for as far as I could. The water was like ice, and felt like thousands of needles all over my body were drilling to my bone. But I would not give up.

After what seemed like an eternity under water, I emerged not that far from the other side, only to find the helicopter off in the distance, still looking for me.

I was able to drag myself out of the icy water, and collapsed near a bush on the soft sand. Sleep took over where adrenalin was, and I lost consciousness.

I arose to the warm wisps of sunlight licking at my aching body. As I began to move toward town again, I found it hard to come to grips with what had happened the night before. The town had been attacked, and many killed. I now had to be independent if I wanted to survive. There was now no one else but me.

As I got close, I could hear shouting and screaming. I found refuge in a bush on a hill overlooking the town. As I scanned the now totalled and demolished town, what I saw disgusted me.

I could see a man, standing on a heavily armoured tank, yelling orders to some near-by troops. Other soldiers were dragging civilians, my friends, in chains towards one of the open door-ways. Any of them who showed resistance were shot, and tossed aside.

Found it hard to watch, but I could not tear my eyes away. Near-by, I heard a twig crack. I dare not move a muscle.

To my side, I could see a soldier walking toward me, rifle in hand, if he knew I were here, I’d surely be dead.

The soldier came within a meter of me, and stopped. He appeared to be looking at the chaos of the town.

The same voice that was yelling at me from the helicopter the night before suddenly came blaring out of his radio.

“Captain! Have yo found him yet?!”

“No Lieutenant, I havn’t. but I will find him though, there is no doubt,” said the soldier.

The Lieutenant replied, “His escape jeopardises my whole operation! It is essential you capture him!”

“I understand Lieutenant,” ended the captain.

I could no longer see properly through all the sweat and fear clouding my eyes. The soldier turned, and began to walk. Slowly, I got out of the bush, and with rock in hand, approached the soldier.

As I was about to strike, the soldier turned, but it was too late, WHAM! My rock connected with his head. He collapsed on the ground, dead or out cold, I cared not. I took his gear and clothing, and stood staring at the town.

That man must be stopped, but I had no idea how. I remembered him saying over the radio that I was a threat.

It was the hardest thing to do, but now I was alone, I had no choice but to escape and find someone who could help. This man must be stopped.

Reads better, but still not good enough.

10-11/15 max.