Bored Of Studies

Experiences gained through this will result in the creation of relationships with things through significant memories that deem to have a particular meaning to me, such as love or hate.

Ultimately, the great sense of vividness that is gained from being alone with the present moment results in a feeling similar to that of being on a holiday or having a nightmare, and that very nature is maintained continuously no matter the uniqueness of the relationships or experiences.

I still find myself being a maniac who has thousands of thoughts every second against my own will, possessed by my habits that have built in my 5 long years of being lost, but now having things I want to be there for, I find it hard to switch off my brain, let go of everything, burn the ego.

In order to change my default state more radically, I need a lifestyle change, and that comes with forcing myself to do something greatly enough to engage with while remaining mindful not to react to that as a restraint rather than a development of a view of existence.
This is the only case where discipline applies in an honest way.

As for the particular lifestyle I need with account for the type of inspiration I want to have as a free-spirit by the time my spirit becomes free from simply ‘living life’, I would like to explore the things that interested me in the past and see if I can generate the same vivid experience I had back when I first developed a relationship with these things before they became repetitive to me.

These things include:
Drawing
Daydreaming
Calisthenics
Gaming
Watching anime
Reading manga

As for all of the habits that I need to remove, good or bad, they are:

• Listening to music out of comfort
• Having conversations/interviews in my head
• Dissociating rather than feeling alone in the present moment as things happen TO me.

In regards to the other disciplines I need to occupy my time with so as to not turn these old interests into new impulses/habits, my hobbies to explore will be only during designated ‘down times’, while the rest of the time will be spent on me doing something I ‘expect’ myself to do.

These expectations are the same as social obligations such as going to work or school.
I have neither such obligations, but I do want to feel responsible for something.

As for what that something will be, I’ll be taking on challenge/assignment where I must complete a project with the skills I want to develop in the direction of the type of inspiration I also wish for my free spirited self to pay attention to, and that’s drawing.

With the determination to complete a drawing project as a responsibility regardless of how I feel, I’ll at least experience what it’s like to draw and develop a personal relationship with it once again, so long as I don’t make the same mistake I made in college again where I didn’t look at things with clear eyes and let my ego get in the way of the purity of the experience.

My major requirement is to not get comfortable while doing a discipline, because if I’m distracting myself from the pain of low dopamine levels with something like music as per usual, then I’m just dissociating once more, making two of the three major habits to posses me, which would probably naturally lead to the third one happening also as a consequence.

Anything I can do to make my mind quiet, the better, but I’m going to make sure I can do so through my own efforts alone.

If I can’t save myself, let alone my family which I want to help as well, then how can I possibly hope to achieve to be the one to save the world?

dude are you okay..?