Belonging Essay - review (1 Viewer)

[animerocker]

So here is an extract of my belonging essay:
Partial alienation from society yet belonging to a place can enrich one’s identity but can impact an individual’s sense of belonging.

In 10 Mary Street, the poem depicts the idea of our sense of belonging to a place.
“We departed”; “We lived together”; “We became citizens” denotes there is an intimate relationship with the persona and the family through the use of the first person pronoun “we”.

In the quotes “Tended roses and camellias like adopted children” & “I’d ravaged the backyard garden like a hungry bird” are similes which contrasts, one connotes that the family has a deep connection with the garden and the house but the persona ravages the garden represents his lack of awareness of the significance of the home.

The symbolic feature of this poem is the key, which represents the power to unlock and lock thus having a sense of security from belonging to certain secure place.

In my personal opinion I think the flow is pretty good. But my teacher tells me otherwise and suggest remove the quotes at the beginning as it creates inconsistency and disruption to the flow of the essay.
YOur opinions please!!!

 

[Riproot]

Never write quote, write extract, line, anything but quote.

Also it would be "The extracts A and B are similes..." not "In the extracts A and B are similes..." The latter doesn't make sense.
You go on to say "contrasts" but the two things "contrast" they don't "contrasts". Again, this makes no sense.
Also, put a full-stop after contrast; a comma is not a full-stop and they do different things.

There are a few mo0re mistakes too.

I think the idea is okay, presentation is bad.

I also think that you need to start with an idea before jumping into quotes as your teaches says, because they do intrude with the flow a little. I think that if you were an incredibly prolific writer you could shove those quotes in wherever you wanted, but it doesn't seem that way so I think you should follow the basic paragraph formula of:
Thesis statement;
Quotes;
Techniques;
Effect;
Link.
Although, the three in the middle can be muddled a little, depending on your writing style.

Hope this helps.

Edit: Wow, I just realised I said you aren't a prolific writer and you do Extension Two and I did Standard. There is some clear irony there.