Friends who are assholes who are friends... (1 Viewer)

[Lori.]

Yesterday I invited my best friend out to a movie, just to have a quiet relaxing night. I called him when he finished work and asked him to pick me up at 6. Come 5.56, I'm packing my bag and another friend calls me up and swears at me to get the fuck downstairs, etc. It turns out that my best friend, whom I invited to go out invited more of our friends to go out with us, without even asking me or telling me when I called him earlier.
Then they drove off around the corner to give me a scare and I called him and told him to go on without me and do whatever they want to do, since I was planning to have a night out on my own anyways, and any night that those particular friends are out with him is anything but quiet and relaxing, cause they are constantly bickering at each other...

So i went to see my movie and when that was finished, I just saw them walking into their movie so I told him to come talk to me, and when he did he was just laughing at me and saying that it wasn't a big deal. Although it's obviously a big deal to me.
I was just so pissed off that he couldn't even be bothered to tell me that he's inviting other people, and that he let his friend swear at me, and that he couldn't even call to find out why I'm getting pissed off - cause those are things that friends should do, aren't they?

Later at night, I messaged him saying that I wont let his arrogant behaviour go this time (bacause he constantly does whatever the hell he wants and acts like its ok, and expects everyone to go out of their way for him...), and that I dont need a friend like him and that maybe we would talk in a few weeks time. I was hoping that he would understand that he should call up and find out whats wrong / apologize.
Then this morning, he turned the tables on me and basically told me everything i told him, just in reverse. And now he's not talking to me although its supposed to be the other way around!

So i guess I'm hoping to hear your thoughts on my situation, am I right waiting for him to come around?? or is it never going to happen??

 

[Atticus.]

guys dont come around, youll have to force his hand
ring him and get it sorted

 

[Atticus.]

when you ring him i wouldnt launch into some huge analysis and breakdown of why you are so pissed off, just take a relaxed approach to it because this stuff called testosterone has an explosive chemical reaction with bitching and hassle

if you ring him and are like "yeh ok haha im not even that pissed off i was just tired and not in the mood for a massive night are we cool?"

and things will be better
back me up lia im awesome with advice

 

[joe_rulez37]

Sounds like you guys have a case of miscommunication.

Firstly, yes, he was wrong in not telling you that he also invited his friends, especially without asking you first.

Secondly, the part about how his friends swore at you and he didn't do anything about it... That's just a guys thing... he's probably trying to be cool around his mates because that's how they usually behave. You'd be surpised how guys can soften up when they're talking to a girl, but once he's around his group, all the swearing and dirty talk flood back in.

The fact that you MESSAGED him and told him off was NOT a good idea. Here's a note about guys: we only see what's in front of us. The fact that you said "I dont need a friend like him and that maybe we would talk in a few weeks time" was not a good idea because he probably believed that's what you really wanted. Guys don't understand subtlety and that what you wanted him to do was "understand that he should call up and find out whats wrong / apologize."

The fact that he turned the tables around on you was his way of being defensive because you were a bit harsh on him and he probably didn't mean everything he said.

All in all, intitally it was his fault in not asking you about inviting his friends etc, but your reaction to his behaviour was slightly over the top, especially messaging him. Next time it happens, perhaps you should instead talk to him alone when his mates aren't eavesdropping. And the fact that he attacked you today was just his way of being defensive.

My advice would be to take the initiative and talk to him alone (ie when there's no one else around!). To break the ice, perhaps apologise first for being too harsh on him earlier, but then tell him he was also wrong to do what he did. It's not worth losing your best friend over such a small incident, and the quicker you patch it up, the faster it will be forgotten. Good luck!

 

[Atticus.]

Sounds like you guys have a case of miscommunication.

Firstly, yes, he was wrong in not telling you that he also invited his friends, especially without asking you first.

Secondly, the part about how his friends swore at you and he didn't do anything about it... That's just a guys thing... he's probably trying to be cool around his mates because that's how they usually behave. You'd be surpised how guys can soften up when they're talking to a girl, but once he's around his group, all the swearing and dirty talk flood back in.

The fact that you MESSAGED him and told him off was NOT a good idea. Here's a note about guys: we only see what's in front of us. The fact that you said "I dont need a friend like him and that maybe we would talk in a few weeks time" was not a good idea because he probably believed that's what you really wanted. Guys don't understand subtlety and that what you wanted him to do was "understand that he should call up and find out whats wrong / apologize."

The fact that he turned the tables around on you was his way of being defensive because you were a bit harsh on him and he probably didn't mean everything he said.

All in all, intitally it was his fault in not asking you about inviting his friends etc, but your reaction to his behaviour was slightly over the top, especially messaging him. Next time it happens, perhaps you should instead talk to him alone when his mates aren't eavesdropping. And the fact that he attacked you today was just his way of being defensive.

My advice would be to take the initiative and talk to him alone (ie when there's no one else around!). To break the ice, perhaps apologise first for being too harsh on him earlier, but then tell him he was also wrong to do what he did. It's not worth losing your best friend over such a small incident, and the quicker you patch it up, the faster it will be forgotten. Good luck!

gah no no no no OVER ANALYSIS

the whole thing can be defused with what i said in ten seconds

 

[joe_rulez37]

gah no no no no OVER ANALYSIS

the whole thing can be defused with what i said in ten seconds

Ever heard of the proverb "Give a man a fish and you can feed him in for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime"?

 

[Lori.]

If i apologize to him, surely he'll treat me like crap forever, cause he'll know that I'm going to forgive him everytime. So I can't just say sorry, especially not after he told me that he never wants to talk to me again. I'll just make myself look desperate, y'know?

 

[Atticus.]

Ever heard of the proverb "Give a man a fish and you can feed him in for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime"?

ever heard of the proverb
quack said the raven, moo went the fish, and stfu went the internet hero?

 

[joe_rulez37]

If i apologize to him, surely he'll treat me like crap forever, cause he'll know that I'm going to forgive him everytime. So I can't just say sorry, especially not after he told me that he never wants to talk to me again. I'll just make myself look desperate, y'know?

Yeah but you were the once who told him that you didn't want to talk to him first, and put yourself in his shoes. Perhaps he think he'll look desperate if he apologised to you. By the way, is he REALLY your best friend?

 

[joe_rulez37]

Take_it_away, I'm trying to tell her what she's doing wrong, and why she's doing it wrong. It's good to tell her what to do, but if a similar situation arises again, she'll fall into the same hole.

sorry double post

 

[Lori.]

well you made a huge deal out a small situation in teh first place and he is your "best friend" if you want him to still be it just be mature and apologise instead of not taking any ownership for your actions. You kept wanting him to make you the centre of his attention, but he does have other friends, he is allowed to have fun without you.

joe: waay too much analysis & generalisations

That's not really the problem I'm having. The problem is that he thinks he can do whatever, and everyone will bend over backwards for him. That sort of thing. Of course it pissed me off that he invited people out when I was the one inviting him, but it pisses me off more that he doesn't care enough about me to talk to me when I'm clearly upset about how he acted.

 

[Atticus.]

get over your stubbornness and ring him you both were cunts you both have stuff to apologize for

/END THREAD

 

[Lori.]

Yeah but you were the once who told him that you didn't want to talk to him first, and put yourself in his shoes. Perhaps he think he'll look desperate if he apologised to you. By the way, is he REALLY your best friend?

Yes, he's my best friend. Otherwise I really wouldn't care. You better be a psych student, otherwise I'm going to doubt the validity of your analysis of the whole thing

 

[joe_rulez37]

Sorry to break it to you, but guy's don't like to talk about deep and meaningfuls.

 

[Atticus.]

i already broke that to her dork
AND I SAID

/END THREAD

 

[joe_rulez37]

i already broke that to her dork
AND I SAID

/END THREAD

Why be so harsh for? Reflect back on when you were in year 12. It might seem trivial to you now as an adult, but teens think differently.

No,GJV, I'm not a psych student and it's only my opinon. It's up to you who's advice you follow.

 

[Lori.]

joe: your making huge generalisations about how guys act. When you've got a major in youth and gender studies then you are make such comments, till then don't assume you know how all guys act. Not all guys act like you, therefore this guy GJV is talking about could be completely different to you and your generalisations could not apply to him.

GJV: does this have more history then just the movie incident? Because if its a one off thing then its not worth losing a friend over, but if it is a long running thing then you need to wonder if you really want him as a best friend.

No he pretty much always does this; inviting people out when it's not his place and expecting everyone to oblige with everything he does

 

[joe_rulez37]

joe: your making huge generalisations about how guys act. When you've got a major in youth and gender studies then you are make such comments, till then don't assume you know how all guys act. Not all guys act like you, therefore this guy GJV is talking about could be completely different to you and your generalisations could not apply to him.

GJV: does this have more history then just the movie incident? Because if its a one off thing then its not worth losing a friend over, but if it is a long running thing then you need to wonder if you really want him as a best friend.

I appreciate your comment, but in my reply I did not mean to imply that all guys are like that. I said "probably", so yeah you're right, it doesn't apply to all guys, and like I said before, it's only my opinion.

 

[Lori.]

have you confronted him about it previously?

I mentioned it somewhen last week, and another friend made a big (bigger) deal out of it not too long ago! Why can't he learn??!?!??!?!?!!?!?!?

 

[joe_rulez37]

I mentioned it somewhen last week, and another friend made a big (bigger) deal out of it not too long ago! Why can't he learn??!?!??!?!?!!?!?!?

No wonder! You can't expect someone to change who they are in just a week or so when they've acted the same way for the past 17 years (I'm assuming) of their life! Give him some time