need to know opinions on this creative (1 Viewer)

[coolm12]

hey guys and girls i have written a creative and would like to know your thoughts if all readers could give a mark and feedback

 

[jnney]

I think it was very well written, but the ending (last two paragraphs) was a bit weak. It was sort of an, 'oh...' anticlimax. I think you should try to be more subtle in revealing his identity rather than launching straight into it.

 

[Amaranth_]

I think your intro is very good but this sentence: " Exhausted and demoralised, I feel as though I can not last much longer in this fabricated world." can be made better by something like: " Exhausted and demoralised, it felt as though I could not have...lasted any longer. In this fabricated world of ours." - only because i think there is quite a bit of "I" stuff going on and it also creates tension. Or you could make it a complete sentence, instead of a fragmented one.

Second paragraph seems fine.

Third paragraph: the first sentence would sound better if it were something like : "Staring deeply into the mirror before me, I saw the reflection of a man who had been unjustly dealt with and an image that society perceived so unknowingly." If you change it to that, also remember to change the tense for the rest of the paragraph.

Fourth paragraph: "An overwhelming amount of regrets constantly cloud my head, criticising the life I now endure. " Vs " An overwhelming amount of regret constantly clouded my head." - the rest of the paragraph is fine.

And I really like the ending.

good story... so far, but needs something more. I think.

 

[coolm12]

thanks for feedback, would it be possible for a mark out of 15

 

[Amaranth_]

thanks for feedback, would it be possible for a mark out of 15

Out of 15, i think it would range from 10-13. Needs something... to make the reader want to read it.

Develop a plot.