Please spell and grammar check my diary entry :) (1 Viewer)

[Ayearora]

if anyone would please spell and grammar check this for me i would be very grateful! Please put any changes in bold so i can see where i made a mistake



Dear Diary

Today was one of the worst days of my life. Everything is lost.
My day was insignificant until about 9pm, I was just finishing up dinner when I received a phone call from Jim Norris. It was totally out of character for him to call me this late
As I answered, all I heard was “Carl you better get down here” Jim hung up.

I realised there must be some emergency down at the store, I hurried out of the house leaving everything as it was, the TV screaming and the dishwasher was running. As I left the house I heard the cries of a mob and the air thick with smoke, and in short I was afraid.

As I drove to the markets, I noticed the vast police presence. Their sirens lit up the night sky with howls and flashes. It was then when I noticed the source of all the smoke in the air; my store had been set alight in the riots. I felt my legs give way as I collapsed to the floor.

When I had summoned the courage to arise from my helpless state I took a glance at my store, all the memories, the good times, my reputation with the locals and my livelihood all set ablaze by merciless thugs! Anger flooded though my body, all I could think was what I had I done? This was all pushed onto me, for thirty years I had served the community loyally, went out of my way to help others. This was my reward?

It was early morning when the fires where put out, I requested the emergency response team to go in and attempt to salvage my remaining belongings. Crossed my fingers and prayed that my diary was not burnt to ashes.




Heartfelt thanks to anyone who is able to help out, could you please put any changes in bold so i am able to learn from my mistakes

 

[kfnmpah]

Don't know how i feel about "lit up the sky with howls and flashes" how do you light the sky with howls?
Why not "filled the air with howls and flashes"

"As I left the house I heard the cries of a mob and the air thick with smoke, and in short I was afraid." Re-word. it looks like you're saying you heard cries of a mob and you also heard that the air was thick with smoke. Also the "in short" bit sounds strange.

"vast police presence" - reword. No one would say this in a journal entry. Just because it's english, don't shit+f7 every word.

"Carl, you'd better get down here" - chuck in a comma and it's "you had [or you'd] better", not "you better"

"I took a glance at my store. All the memories, the good times..." Write it like this, i reckon it needs to be 2 sentences.

that's all, from me. I'm not an english buff, but i'm sure once you look at what I've said and re-read, you'll see what I'm talking about.

Good luck.

 

[Drongoski]

if anyone would please spell and grammar check this for me i would be very grateful! Please put any changes in bold so i can see where i made a mistake



Dear Diary

Today was one of the worst days of my life. Everything was lost.
My day was uneventful until about 9pm. I was just finishing up dinner when I received a telephone call from Jim Norris. It was totally out of character for him to call me this late. As I answered, all I heard was: “Carl, you better get down here” and he hung up.

I then realised that there must be some emergency down at the store. I hurried out of the house leaving everything as it was, with the TV screaming and the dishwasher running. As I left the house I heard the cries of a mob and felt the air thick with smoke; in short I was numb with fear and despair.

As I drove to the markets, I noticed the vast police presence. Their sirens lit up the night sky with howls and flashes. It was then (not 'when') that I noticed the source of all the smoke in the air; my store had been set alight in the riots. I felt my legs give way as I collapsed.

When I had summoned the courage to (arise from my)face the helpless state, I took a quick glance at my store. All the memories, the good times, my reputation with the locals and my livelihood all set ablaze by (merciless) mindless thugs! Anger flooded my body. All I could think of was: "what I had I done to deserve this?" This (was all pushed onto) thought struck me: for thirty years I had served the community loyally, went out of my way to help others. (This was my reward) Was this to be my reward?

It was early morning when the fires were finally put out. I (requested) begged the emergency response team to (go in and attempt to) salvage (my remaining belongings) everything they could. I crossed my fingers and prayed that my diary was not burnt to ashes.




Heartfelt thanks to anyone who is able to help out, could you please put any changes in bold so i am able to learn from my mistakes

I'll explain changes later.