Please critique short story! (1 Viewer)

hayabusaboston

Well-Known Member
Joined
Sep 26, 2011
Messages
2,387
Location
Calabi Yau Manifold
Gender
Male
HSC
2013
First of all, BOOYAH on a rounded off 99 percent in the yearly chem exam! YAAA! plus (I believe) 100 percent for 2u, and have yet to get results for 3u, physics, english and english extension.

BUT it seems my teacher has been browsing BoS and in fact had FOUND Realise's 3u yearly paper, and FRIGGIN SET IT FOR US AS OUR YEARLY! LOOL! So yea am not looking at 100 I dont think, maybe 80's.
Look realise what uve done, uve made such a lovely paper my teacher even used it! haha.

ANYWAY HERE'S MY SHORT STORY, tell me what you think of it plz.



They were under the largest tree of their local park, overlooking the city lights, lying on a chilly bed of grass that tickled their backs. Li and Cai gazed up at the glorious night sky, flaring white stars sparkling like little orbs, strewn wildly across the universe in a mixture of swirling patterns and erratic rings.

Cai lay in Li’s arms, tucked into his chest like a sweet, beautiful little princess. He gently caressed her smooth hair, its silky feel so marvelously sensual he tingled at the touch.

“Cai, you’ve made my life just perfect you know? I’ve never known such an amazing girl as you. I love you more than any words can ever express.” He whispered softly into her ear. She smiled brightly at him, and pulled herself closer to his warm body. She looked up and stared deep into his eyes, before leaning in, lips parted sensually. They kissed passionately, suddenly fuelled by torrents of wild desire. Li fervently tore off his own shirt and scrambled to take off Cai's vest, before quickly unhooking her bra with one hand. Her voluptuous breasts glistened in the moonlight with the sweat of anticipation, the powerful drive of sexual intensity.Together they fell back onto the grass, bare backed, the crisp chill of the grass adding an electric fervour to the experience.

Cai lovingly massaged his chest and muscles, moving around and onto his back, pulling him in eagerly. She kissed him in places he’d never been kissed before, and it drove his excitement to incredible levels. His erection was rock hard, rigid beyond control.Li likewise explored Cai, kissing her gently all over and feeling the beautiful tone and lean musculature of her perfect body. Her honey soft breasts pressed hard against his skin, and the feeling was so heavenly he felt almost explosive with sexual hunger

Li didn’t want this beautiful evening to end. It was the most amazing thing he’d ever experienced in his entire life. He gradually brought his attention back to Cai's luscious lips and they continued to kiss each other vigorously, grasping to experience as much of each others bodies as possible.

They stripped down till they were completely naked now . Li rolled onto his back, while Cai lay on top of him, legs wrapped around his. He slowly guided himself inside her, letting the rippling sensation course through him and ignite his nerves spectacularly. They rocked back and forth in unison, Li grasping Cai’s buttocks and moaning with pleasure. The waves of sensation swept through them both with an incredible intensity. The rocking got faster, and faster, the rushes of intensity harder and harder. Eventually they couldn’t continue any longer and the energy suddenly surged out of them rapidly, in an explosion of ecstasy. Cai softly fell onto his chest, exhausted, but happy.

"Li, that was, just incredible. Thank you so much” she whispered, snuggling into his chest again. Li felt like the happiest man in the world.

“I don't think I'll ever forget this night, I’m glad I could share it with you, and no one else.” Li replied soothingly. Cai closed her eyes, her long eyelashes fluttering in majestic brilliance. She slowly dozed off in his arms. He gave her a kiss on the forehead before resting his head back on the grass and lulling himself to sleep. The two simply lay there, naked, pure, two lovers in a passionate embrace with a raw and uninhibited love for each other. They slept deep into the night, blissfully in a world of their own..
 
Last edited:

2xL

Member
Joined
Mar 7, 2010
Messages
582
Gender
Male
HSC
2012
First of all, BOOYAH on a rounded off 99 percent in the yearly chem exam! YAAA! plus (I believe) 100 percent for 2u, and have yet to get results for 3u, physics, english and english extension.

BUT it seems my teacher has been browsing BoS and in fact had FOUND Realise's 3u yearly paper, and FRIGGIN SET IT FOR US AS OUR YEARLY! LOOL! So yea am not looking at 100 I dont think, maybe 80's.
Look realise what uve done, uve made such a lovely paper my teacher even used it! haha.

ANYWAY HERE'S MY SHORT STORY, tell me what you think of it plz.



Li lay quietly on the grass with Cai. They were under the largest tree of their local park, overlooking the city lights, lying on a chilly bed of grass that tickled their backs. They gazed up at the glorious night sky, flaring white stars sparkling like little orbs, strewn wildly across the universe in a mixture of swirling patterns and erratic rings.

Cai lay in Li’s arms, tucked into his chest like a sweet, beautiful little princess. He gently caressed her smooth hair, its silky feel so marvelously sensual he tingled at the touch.

“Cai, you’ve made my life just perfect you know? I’ve never known such an amazing girl as you. I love you more than any words can express.” He whispered softly into her ear. She smiled.

“I love you too Shun, you’ve got everything I possibly would have wanted in a guy. You’re my perfect guy.” She purred at him. She looked up and stared deep into his eyes, before leaning in, lips parted sensually. They kissed passionately, suddenly fuelled by torrents of wild desire. Li fervently tore off his own shirt and scrambled to take off Cai's vest, before quickly unhooking her bra with one hand. Her voluptuous breasts glistened in the moonlight with the sweat of anticipation, the powerful drive of sexual intensity.Together they fell back onto the grass, bare backed, the crisp chill of the grass adding an electric fervour to the experience.

Cai lovingly massaged his chest and muscles, moving around and onto his back, pulling him in eagerly. She kissed him in places he’d never been kissed before, and it drove his excitement to incredible levels. His erection was rock hard, rigid beyond control.Li likewise explored Cai, kissing her gently all over and feeling the beautiful tone and lean musculature of her perfect body. Her honey soft breasts pressed hard against his skin, and the feeling was so heavenly he felt almost explosive with sexual hunger

Li didn’t want this beautiful evening to end. It was the most amazing thing he’d ever experienced in his entire life. He gradually brought his attention back to Cai's luscious lips and they continued to kiss each other vigorously, grasping to experience as much of each others bodies as possible.

They stripped down till they were completely naked now . Li rolled onto his back, while Cai lay on top of him, legs wrapped around his. He slowly guided himself inside her, letting the rippling sensation course through him and ignite his nerves spectacularly. They rocked back and forth in unison, Li grasping Cai’s buttocks and moaning with pleasure. The waves of sensation swept through them both with an incredible intensity. The rocking got faster, and faster, the rushes of intensity harder and harder. Eventually they couldn’t continue any longer and they climaxed simultaneously, surging with ecstasy. The energy swept out of them in a swift explosion of pleasure, the best feeling in world. Cai softly fell onto his chest, exhausted, but happy.

“Oh Li, that was the most amazing thing ever!” she whispered excitedly, snuggling into his chest again. Li felt like the happiest man in the world.

“I don't think I'll ever forget this nigh, I’m so glad I could share it with you, and no one else.” Li replied soothingly. Cai closed her eyes, her long eyelashes fluttering in majestic brilliance. She slowly dozed off in his arms. He gave her a kiss on the forehead before resting his head back on the grass and lulling himself to sleep. The two simply lay there, naked, pure, two lovers in a passionate embrace with a raw and uninhibited love for each other. They slept deep into the night, blissfully in a world of their own.
Congrats, but not sure if story is srs.
 

such_such

Member
Joined
Dec 22, 2010
Messages
416
Location
yes
Gender
Undisclosed
HSC
2013
Oh as long as it's not used in HSC... also I don't feel the 'love' from the characters if you know what I mean.
 

Absolutezero

real human bean
Joined
Nov 17, 2007
Messages
15,077
Gender
Male
HSC
N/A
Unoriginal plot, unrelatable characters and an overuse of cliche imagery and language.
 

lolcakes52

Member
Joined
Oct 31, 2011
Messages
286
Gender
Undisclosed
HSC
2012
SHOW DONT SAY. When she says I love you in the second paragraph, it could easily be replaced by "she pulled herself closer into his embrace in response".

First sentence does not capture anyones attentions, the marker then decides whether or not this is "just another paper" or something with potential.

And unfortunately, because this is only sex, there is no tension, as there would be in other longer mediums so the reader has no feelings about the characters. You have written softcore (hardcore) porn and expect a middle aged marker to take it as literary genius.

Also, I have compiled a short list of unsexy lines:

"Eventually they couldn’t continue any longer and they climaxed simultaneously, surging with ecstasy"

"Oh Li, that was the most amazing thing ever!"

Don't right sex if your still a virgin, sorry to be so harsh if you are, but first times are never like that.

Your in year 11 right? Go out and get "stein on writing", it is an amazing book and will certainly improve anyones writing, and its an easy read.
 

JINOUGA

Member
Joined
Apr 18, 2012
Messages
395
Location
Dark Aether
Gender
Male
HSC
N/A
That story was terrible and sounds like the fantasy of a 12 year old with minimal interaction with the opposite sex
 

Pfortune35

Member
Joined
Apr 25, 2011
Messages
270
Gender
Male
HSC
2013
more erotica than a short story, didn't really make me think twice about anything and cliché to boot.
Also its not a short story if it chapter 38 of something.
 

hayabusaboston

Well-Known Member
Joined
Sep 26, 2011
Messages
2,387
Location
Calabi Yau Manifold
Gender
Male
HSC
2013
This is not a short story, this is part of my 500 page novel im writing (Have currently written around 380 pages). And yes it is erotica haha I just took a shot at writing it for my first time.
LOL wtf I would never use this in the HSC haha that would be plain retarded.
 

hayabusaboston

Well-Known Member
Joined
Sep 26, 2011
Messages
2,387
Location
Calabi Yau Manifold
Gender
Male
HSC
2013
This is not a short story, this is part of my 500 page novel im writing (Have currently written around 380 pages). And yes it is erotica haha I just took a shot at writing it for my first time.
LOL wtf I would never use this in the HSC haha that would be plain retarded.
BTW i fixed it up to make it more "show" than "tell". and I dont actually see many cliches there LOL, also dont see how it is unoriginal.
 

2xL

Member
Joined
Mar 7, 2010
Messages
582
Gender
Male
HSC
2012
Why are you writing erotica...? Mr Year 11? Go have a fap or something.
 

MiseryParade

Active Member
Joined
Nov 29, 2011
Messages
155
Gender
Female
HSC
2013
BTW i fixed it up to make it more "show" than "tell". and I dont actually see many cliches there LOL, also dont see how it is unoriginal.
The entire prospect of a young, "beautiful" couple madly in love basking in post-coital glory is often written badly, and so becomes a cliché in that everyone does it so terribly; it all sounds the same.

"They stripped down till they were completely naked now."

Why not describe them voraciously tearing off each other's garments with an inebriated fervour or something? Show, not tell, blah blah.

"Li rolled onto his back, while Cai lay on top of him, legs wrapped around his. He slowly guided himself inside her, letting the rippling sensation course through him and ignite his nerves spectacularly. They rocked back and forth in unison, Li grasping Cai’s buttocks and moaning with pleasure. The waves of sensation swept through them both with an incredible intensity. The rocking got faster, and faster, the rushes of intensity harder and harder. Eventually they couldn’t continue any longer and the energy suddenly surged out of them rapidly, in an explosion of ecstasy. Cai softly fell onto his chest, exhausted, but happy."

Well, that was fast. From insertion to climax in six lines, filled with lacklustre expressions and zero tension. I felt like I was reading a badly written Twilight fanfiction.

Lastly, people do not have "perfect" sex at the local park without fear of being discovered, especially if they are "overlooking city lights". Just saying. Why not a) cut out the sex bits until you're no longer a virgin, or b) read well crafted sex scenes until you aren't writing softcore porn?

Edit: great prelim marks, great job.
 

lolcakes52

Member
Joined
Oct 31, 2011
Messages
286
Gender
Undisclosed
HSC
2012
It isn't bad writing... more bad style and content.

Eventually they couldn’t continue any longer and the energy suddenly surged out of them rapidly, in an explosion of ecstasy.

Bad sentence, you used they and then them. It is awkward in phrasing, also people don't get tired before orgasming if they are going to have one, so they could easily continue longer.

He slowly guided himself inside her, letting the rippling sensation course through him and ignite his nerves spectacularly.

Weird and un-erotic way of saying this, in fact don't say it. Rippling sensation? Sex is climatic, starts small gets big.

“I don't think I'll ever forget this night, I’m glad I could share it with you, and no one else.” Li replied soothingly. Cai closed her eyes, her long eyelashes fluttering in majestic brilliance. She slowly dozed off in his arms. He gave her a kiss on the forehead before resting his head back on the grass and lulling himself to sleep. The two simply lay there, naked, pure, two lovers in a passionate embrace with a raw and uninhibited love for each other. They slept deep into the night, blissfully in a world of their own..

Im getting a serious Edward Cullen vibe that won't do well. Here is how it should read:

“Cai... Thank you." Cai closed her eyes and slowly dozed off in his arms. He gave her a kiss on the forehead before resting his head back losing himself to sleep. The two lay there, the world was no longer their concern. They slept deeply that night, clinging to the ecstasy while it lasted.

No verbose language that simply shows the extended vocabulary of someone in year 8, George Orwell summed up writing well in this regard "Don't use a big word when a small one will do". Also, remove anything the describes how someone says something. Pointless words he replied lovingly etc etc.

Li felt like the happiest man in the world.

SHOW DONT SAY!
 

Users Who Are Viewing This Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 1)

Top