My creative idea (1 Viewer)

[Rawf]

I think my idea is a little complex... so not many of my friends (or people around my age at least) understand it. - it's a fragmented creative btw.. with 5 jumps

-- i removed this as i don't want people to take the idea -- thanks for the advice

What do you guys think? do you think the markers will know what 'timeshares' are?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timeshare
I'm not sure if it's a very popular thing... i'm afraid if the marker doesn't know what it is then they wont understand the story and i might lose marks

 

[Absolutezero]

They know what a timeshare is, don't worry about that.

The probably is that you're relying on structure to take the place of conflict and narrative. Your premise is alright, but you need to put more emphasise into what the conflict is (the loss of income that was put into owning the time share [and how that effects her] and the arrival of the couple to take her place in the share [and how she can't even feel a connection to the place because of that]).

 

[john-doe]

idk but sounds boring.

 

[Rawf]

The conflict isn't so much about the income, it's the idea that what she got isn't what she expected. The story starts with her boring life, but she looks at all those magazines and is encapsulated and wishes she could live life like that. Then she's offered the chance, but when she takes it, it isn't how she wanted it to be as she was still unfulfilled.

 

[Rawf]

idk but sounds boring.

Yeah, I sorta think that as well.. it's quite dull I guess. I've read some of my friends creatives and they're very engaging.
My story however mmm.. it's in a rather regretful tone. I feel like there isn't much to grasp onto though. However, I have included a metaphor which is repeated throughout the creative.

 

[Absolutezero]

The conflict isn't so much about the income, it's the idea that what she got isn't what she expected. The story starts with her boring life, but she looks at all those magazines and is encapsulated and wishes she could live life like that. Then she's offered the chance, but when she takes it, it isn't how she wanted it to be as she was still unfulfilled.

Your first and last jump dilute the narrative. This

"So the persona is looking back in their life in retrospect, in the first part they talk about their decisions using a metaphorical situation (creates a sense of regret or whatever)."

AND

"and then she just talks about how the decision she made was stupid, and even though she's got the timeshare it's basically elusive still, then she goes back to her normal boring life - job etc, but she's poorer than before (sorta suggests she lost her home but not stated)."

weaken the narrative, because there's no action that you're capitalising on.

Having her low income but a big dreamer
Invest in time share even though she can't afford it
Have it not what she expects
Have her return to her previous state, now disillusioned

is more a solid narrative.

Neither however, really link strongly with the topic of belonging.

 

[Rawf]

Your first and last jump dilute the narrative. This

"So the persona is looking back in their life in retrospect, in the first part they talk about their decisions using a metaphorical situation (creates a sense of regret or whatever)."

AND

"and then she just talks about how the decision she made was stupid, and even though she's got the timeshare it's basically elusive still, then she goes back to her normal boring life - job etc, but she's poorer than before (sorta suggests she lost her home but not stated)."

weaken the narrative, because there's no action that you're capitalising on.

Having her low income but a big dreamer
Invest in time share even though she can't afford it
Have it not what she expects
Have her return to her previous state, now disillusioned

is more a solid narrative.

Neither however, really link strongly with the topic of belonging.

Thanks for the feedback i'll try focus more on a core issue.
To make it link more to belonging - I think I might make it more like she wants to belong and fit in with the other 'rich' people, because the whole creative sorta floats around her being alone and dull as well.

 

[Absolutezero]

You could totally have it as belonging to a status group:

Lonely woman reads about also these luxury items, sees exotic locations on TV
Gets opportunity to buy timeshare
Does it, thinks she'll be living the glamorous life
Finds out it's not how she thought it would be, still doesn't fit the social groups


For an added section, you could also have it that she discovers some low status community group while in the time share, and discovers that's where she fits in better there. Could work, worth at least drafting a version.

 

[Rawf]

You could totally have it as belonging to a status group:

Lonely woman reads about also these luxury items, sees exotic locations on TV
Gets opportunity to buy timeshare
Does it, thinks she'll be living the glamorous life
Finds out it's not how she thought it would be, still doesn't fit the social groups


For an added section, you could also have it that she discovers some low status community group while in the time share, and discovers that's where she fits in better there. Could work, worth at least drafting a version.

I'll do a bunch of changes if I have the time (as I'm still writing up some of my other essays). Would you mind taking a look at my creative though? - that is if you don't mind & have the time. I just want to know if the way I wrote it makes sense as many people I've sent it to don't really get it.

 

[Absolutezero]

I'll do a bunch of changes if I have the time (as I'm still writing up some of my other essays). Would you mind taking a look at my creative though? - that is if you don't mind & have the time. I just want to know if the way I wrote it makes sense as many people I've sent it to don't really get it.

Send it through, I'll take a look. I can probably give some feedback and notes as well tomorrow, depending on how much time I've got.

 

[Rawf]

Send it through, I'll take a look. I can probably give some feedback and notes as well tomorrow, depending on how much time I've got.

How do you want me to send it to you? Could you PM me your email or something?
thanks heaps

 

[Absolutezero]

Upload it to:

http://ge.tt/

And send me the link.

Or just break it in half/thirds and PM it to me.

 

[Rawf]

Upload it to:

http://ge.tt/

And send me the link.

Or just break it in half/thirds and PM it to me.

Great I PM'd you. I put it all into 1 message though - so i'm not sure if it all went through? its only 730 words though.

 

[Absolutezero]

Great I PM'd you. I put it all into 1 message though - so i'm not sure if it all went through? its only 730 words though.

It did, it's been sent back with notes

 

[Rawf]

It did, it's been sent back with notes

Do you think if I make all the proposed changes/edits/fixes my creative could be potentially achieve a 12/15 or 13/15?

 

[wilsondw]

idk but sounds boring.

I agree, but at least its not cliché I guess

 

[Absolutezero]

Do you think if I make all the proposed changes/edits/fixes my creative could be potentially achieve a 12/15 or 13/15?

If you make those big overhauls I mentioned:
show don't tell
present tense
stronger sense of narrative
etc.

then yes. I think it could get those sort of marks.