Critique my AOS creative perhaps? (2 Viewers)

[hayabusaboston]

EDIT: Rewrote story, its on the next page of this thread.

 

[Kiraken]

There isn't much character development or plot and your exploration of belonging is pretty superficial. Also the characters seem quite generic. Your description is also unnecessarily over the top in terms of how verbose it is

 

[hayabusaboston]

MORE THAN ONE OPINION FROM A BIAS H8er
Plz

 

[Spiritual Being]

There isn't much character development or plot and your exploration of belonging is pretty superficial. Also the characters seem quite generic. Your description is also unnecessarily over the top in terms of how verbose it is

This isn't verbose. I understood all of it and can understand the purpose of implementation for certain words.

 

[Absolutezero]

There isn't much character development or plot and your exploration of belonging is pretty superficial. Also the characters seem quite generic. Your description is also unnecessarily over the top in terms of how verbose it is

Pretty much on the money. You're main issue here is that nothing actually happens; or rather, they happen but don't mean anything. You're bogged down in the details. e.g.

" His short, smooth blond hair was still dripping water down the back of his neck, chilling him as each drop evaporated. The eyes were green, cold and ruthless, yet precise and calculating. Strong Slavic features bred in the raging winters of Siberia and an iron body crafted through countless hours of labour in the unforgiving ice left a man with almost physical immortality, A titanium frame which seldom succumbed to pain or injury."

is useless to the plot. Looking in the mirror to describe your protagonist is lazy writing; the character traits should come out of their interact with the plot and their environment. The scene with the father doesn't work, because apart from it being his father, there's no reason why we should care that he's died. Especially if there's no reaction from our protagonist.

Your plot change is clunky at best. You announce that your going one direction, then promptly say that your not. This line:

"He knew for certain that he wasn’t going to attend the meeting. A different agenda was now underway."

Spoils the next part of the story, because we already know that he's not following in his fathers footsteps. And if he's not, then why does it matter that he died.

This paragraph:

"As he pulled up to the futuristic mass of electronics, grids, glass, marble, and above all, planes, he felt queasy approaching the parking bay of Domodevodo airport. He could smell the acrid fumes of jet fuel already. Overhead were enormous digital barriers, confidently showcasing a lurid spectrum of colours apparently representing the newly opened shopping mall in the centre of the city, Malya Central. The gassy humming of the many planes taxiing around the runway loudly reminded Alexei of the chemically fuelled metallic beast that he was going to be riding in The lights and sounds and sights overwhelmed him, he closed his eyes and slammed the steering wheel with his fist. It was now or never."

Tells us nothing about the character or the journey. It's useless to the story.

Your ending has potential

"Living alone in such an enormous house ranked as one of the greater disappointments of his current lifestyle, however he vowed to change that very soon."

But everything after 'however' just wrecks the mood. If you set it up so everything looked positive, and then ended it with "Living alone in such an enormous house ranked as one of the greater disappointments of his life" would be a much better mood twist.


Overall, your plot is very weak. You'd be better off starting with the escape from Moscow, and filling in only the relevant background as you go. And cut right down on your descriptions; it's not helping the story.

 

[hayabusaboston]

But...I thought HSC creatives arent meant to have a plot? Its meant to be a brief period of time, not something extensive? thats what my teacher told me anyway.

 

[Spiritual Being]

But...I thought HSC creatives arent meant to have a plot? Its meant to be a brief period of time, not something extensive? thats what my teacher told me anyway.

My teacher said that it should definitely have a plot, but it is recommended to be presented in linear notion and not spanned over many years (hypothetically) - although I can see why making it span over many years is important in exploring the inextricable link of time and belonging, but just saying what my teacher said.

 

[Crobat]

There isn't much character development or plot and your exploration of belonging is pretty superficial. Also the characters seem quite generic. Your description is also unnecessarily over the top in terms of how verbose it is

Basically this.

Let me just preface this with a disclaimer that I comment critically and am not attacking you or your ability personally. This is just my take on your writing piece.

Your exploration of Belonging is too explicit and generic which is largely a result of the type of belonging you are attempting to write about, i.e. family. Direct relationship based Belonging is the most overdone and generic part of Belonging because it is the most obvious. Unfortunately, your story follows the generic 'daddy issues', 'death in the family', 'run away', and 'start a new life in a land far far away' structure which is very much teenage angst based and will only ever get a High C - Mid B range mark regardless of the writing ability. Characters are essential in creative writing pieces, however, there seems to be some sort of self-worship surrounding Alexei and the play-out of the funeral scene, particularly the lack of emotion, is quite unrealistic, and both aspects are again, very teenage angsty. The conclusion of the story comes out of the blue and doesn't really align with the rest of the story - it literally goes from cold iceland in Russia to nice place in Epping in 1 paragraph with a very vague explanation of how he got there. Your descriptions are generally good, but they are overly verbose and at times unnecessary as they do not really contribute to the story. The exploration of Belonging overall is very limited, only dealing with family, which will obviously limit your mark. What about the deeper facets of Belonging like identity, change, time, interaction (with not just people, but surroundings too), affiliations with place, culture, artefacts even? You need to explore a different area of Belonging and really think outside the box. Setting it in Russia and talking about things like the KGB doesn't hide the fact that the story is still generic. Overall, I would say this gets somewhere between 8-10/15.

I'm sorry if I come off as overly harsh or mean or anything of the sort. It's just a little over a month till your exam and I wouldn't want one of my students walking in with a dodgy Belonging creative.

Edit: Absolutezero has some stellar advice. It is predominantly the plot that is weak, although the ending has potential if you transition better and explore it a bit more. You could include things like symbols of which remind him of Russia, his parents, etc.

 

[Kiraken]

But...I thought HSC creatives arent meant to have a plot? Its meant to be a brief period of time, not something extensive? thats what my teacher told me anyway.

You can still have a plot within that short period of time and even if you don't, there should be some sort of development in the characters or the story, particularly in a belonging creative. Your ending does kinda link in with this concept but you need to devellop this aspect of the story more, and the journey he goes through to reach this state rather than waste your time with irrelevant description.

Also, calling someone a biased hater and just dismissing their advice is a surefire way not to improve

 

[Crobat]

This isn't verbose. I understood all of it and can understand the purpose of implementation for certain words.

What he means by verbose is that the descriptions aren't necessary and don't contribute to the development of the story or his exploration of Belonging. They're just descriptions for the sake of describing which is the issue :\

 

[hayabusaboston]

Pretty much on the money. You're main issue here is that nothing actually happens; or rather, they happen but don't mean anything. You're bogged down in the details. e.g.

" His short, smooth blond hair was still dripping water down the back of his neck, chilling him as each drop evaporated. The eyes were green, cold and ruthless, yet precise and calculating. Strong Slavic features bred in the raging winters of Siberia and an iron body crafted through countless hours of labour in the unforgiving ice left a man with almost physical immortality, A titanium frame which seldom succumbed to pain or injury."

is useless to the plot. Looking in the mirror to describe your protagonist is lazy writing; the character traits should come out of their interact with the plot and their environment. The scene with the father doesn't work, because apart from it being his father, there's no reason why we should care that he's died. Especially if there's no reaction from our protagonist.

Your plot change is clunky at best. You announce that your going one direction, then promptly say that your not. This line:

"He knew for certain that he wasn’t going to attend the meeting. A different agenda was now underway."

Spoils the next part of the story, because we already know that he's not following in his fathers footsteps. And if he's not, then why does it matter that he died.

This paragraph:

"As he pulled up to the futuristic mass of electronics, grids, glass, marble, and above all, planes, he felt queasy approaching the parking bay of Domodevodo airport. He could smell the acrid fumes of jet fuel already. Overhead were enormous digital barriers, confidently showcasing a lurid spectrum of colours apparently representing the newly opened shopping mall in the centre of the city, Malya Central. The gassy humming of the many planes taxiing around the runway loudly reminded Alexei of the chemically fuelled metallic beast that he was going to be riding in The lights and sounds and sights overwhelmed him, he closed his eyes and slammed the steering wheel with his fist. It was now or never."

Tells us nothing about the character or the journey. It's useless to the story.

Your ending has potential

"Living alone in such an enormous house ranked as one of the greater disappointments of his current lifestyle, however he vowed to change that very soon."

But everything after 'however' just wrecks the mood. If you set it up so everything looked positive, and then ended it with "Living alone in such an enormous house ranked as one of the greater disappointments of his life" would be a much better mood twist.


Overall, your plot is very weak. You'd be better off starting with the escape from Moscow, and filling in only the relevant background as you go. And cut right down on your descriptions; it's not helping the story.

Its Üseless to the plot" because its actually part of a much larger story that im writing, I kinda just cut out this section to see if it would make a good belonging story. Evidently not, since it has too many elements which require extensive evaluation.

And I completely understand lol, I am asking about critique cos i expect harshness, harshness helps you improve. But I see something like this has too many elements to really be a good CONCISE story.

 

[hayabusaboston]

I dont understand, how come on every thread I make there are always so many guest viewers, and hardly any members? confusing....


But this is a good story right? just a shit story for HSC style writing haha.

 

[iBibah]

I dont understand, how come on every thread I make there are always so many guest viewers, and hardly any members? confusing....

because 50 people too lazy to make an account, let alone a creative, just took your story.

gg

 

[hayabusaboston]

because 50 people too lazy to make an account, let alone a creative, just took your story.

gg

CLEARLY FROM THE EXPERIENCED PEOPLE CRITIQUING IT, ITS NOT WORTH MORE THAN 8/15!! Why would anyone plagiarise something shit?

Lol your DP makes me smile every time haha

 

[Spiritual Being]

CLEARLY FROM THE EXPERIENCED PEOPLE CRITIQUING IT, ITS NOT WORTH MORE THAN 8/15!! Why would anyone plagiarise something shit?

Lol your DP makes me smile every time haha

Some people can't get 8/15...

 

[Absolutezero]

Its Üseless to the plot" because its actually part of a much larger story that im writing, I kinda just cut out this section to see if it would make a good belonging story. Evidently not, since it has too many elements which require extensive evaluation.

And I completely understand lol, I am asking about critique cos i expect harshness, harshness helps you improve. But I see something like this has too many elements to really be a good CONCISE story.

Too be fair, it's useless for the much larger story you are writing as well. What you've done is known as infodumping, where a ton of information is just listed rather than developed via the pot. Unless you have an amazing pay-off for each piece of detail that your adding (and at this stage in your writing career, you don't), it's simple not worth including so much character description.

 

[hayabusaboston]

shit ur right, dumbasses who cant get 8/15 probably taking this right now, 4 guests are viewing...

 

[iBibah]

shit ur right, dumbasses who cant get 8/15 probably taking this right now, 4 guests are viewing...

awkward if you dont get 8+


den you da dumbass

 

[hayabusaboston]

awkward if you dont get 8+


den you da dumbass

I was being sarcastic...

 

[hayabusaboston]

SIX GUESTS VIEWING! U ALL DUMB AS FUCK IF YOU PLAGIARISE THIS! srs.