How's my thesis? (1 Viewer)

[TheHSCLifeChoseMe]

Just wanted to see how I may be able to improve on thesis writing.

"To what extent has studying the concept of belonging expanded your understanding of yourself, of individuals, and of the world?"
Texts : The Crucible & The Ride of Zhu Bao Sheng.

Through the examination of the the personal individual to the greater world, a notion of belonging is resonated through the alignment of forged interpersonal relationships. Exemplified through, Arthur Miller's dramatic play, "The Crucible" and Nick Long's short story, "The Ride of Zhu Bao Sheng" , both authors accentuates the desire of the human condition to conform, and be apart of a greater community, often through the breaching of one's own values.

Comments and criticism are welcome.

Note ; any suggestions to write a strong thesis is a help also ! Gotta get them Eng marks up :'D

 

[meggles_]

Just wanted to see how I may be able to improve on thesis writing.

"To what extent has studying the concept of belonging expanded your understanding of yourself, of individuals, and of the world?"
Texts : The Crucible & The Ride of Zhu Bao Sheng.

Through the examination of the personal individual to the greater world, a notion of belonging is resonated through the alignment of forged interpersonal relationships. Exemplified through, Arthur Miller's dramatic play, "The Crucible" and Nick Long's short story, "The Ride of Zhu Bao Sheng" , both authors accentuate the desire of the human condition to conform, and be apart of a greater community, often through the breaching of one's own values.

Comments and criticism are welcome.

Note ; any suggestions to write a strong thesis is a help also ! Gotta get them Eng marks up :'D

Some notes (this is my personal opinion):
Make sure you use words correctly
e.g.
* "Through the examination of the personal individual to the greater world..." would be better expressed "Through an examination of an individual within the greater world" - also the "personal" is redundant because both "personal" and "individual" mean the same thing
* It doesn't make sense when something "is resonated" - instead say "a notion of belonging resonates..." - on another note, perhaps the word "resonate" isn't the best choice and maybe you could go for "is established"
* The human condition doesn't have a desire - perhaps say "the desire inherent in humanity" or "the desire of humanity" or "both authors reveal that the need to conform and to be a part of a greater community is an inherent aspect of the human condition"

Answer the question and articulate yourself clearly - don't use words that sound good but don't actually mean very much
e.g.
* "a notion of belonging..." - what notion of belonging? Establish this, otherwise it's just an empty phrase
* note that the question asks for the extent, so make sure you answer that

You could also have another sentence to clarify? In my theses, I usually have 3 sentences (but this is different for everyone)

I hope this is somewhat helpful (I'm not an expert)
Also don't worry too much, good essay writing takes alot of time! Just practise lots

 

[TheHSCLifeChoseMe]

Wow, thanks man, your critique really helped!

Can you provide an example of answering these 'extent' questions?

I feel like transitioning into first person - but it feels awkward for me. How would you approach this?

Furthermore, you mention another sentence to clarify? Clarify what specifically?

Thank you so much!

 

[meggles_]

You're welcome!!

Hmm, with those 'extent' questions, I guess that best way to approach it would be (it's pretty much what you've done):
- first have your overarching thesis or statement/response to the question; so in this case, something like what you had "Through examining the relationships between individuals and their world, it is revealed that an individual's sense of belonging is shaped by the alignment of forged interpersonal relationships"
- then introduce your texts, and then evaluate the extent; so like (I have no idea what the Crucible or your related text explores so please correct me) - "Both The Crucible and The Ride of Zhu Bao Sheng explores an individual's inherent need to develop connections with one another and thus conform in order to feel security and comfort. However, both texts uncover the paradox that arises when this desire for human connection overpowers an individual's values and sense of morality, leading to a compromise in identity. Thus a balance must be established in order to preserve individual morale and identity yet also maintain strengthened connections within a community."
- I hate first person usage LOL I feel like I'm giving a speech not an essay so I tend to avoid it at all costs but some teachers do say it's ok (I think) - I guess to overcome this, make sure that your own voice comes through - try to make your essay sound 'critical' like you're trying to put forth your own opinion

- With clarification, that last sentence is what I mean: it sorta ties everything together and draws a nice conclusion? I think it shows that you know to what extent the study of the two texts has allowed you to draw a more sophisticated response about belonging

I hope this makes sense!