Short Story on the Theme Dark Humour! (1 Viewer)

Green Yoda

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Have you ever met a person who has the dreaded Good Samaritan-Syndrome? You know one of those good-doers who make the rest of us honest, hard working folks look like jerks! Well my neighbour Frederic Comoson (also known as ‘Freddy’) is one of them. The guy has been a thorn on the back side ever since he had moved next door.

I had been customary to living alone. My wife wasn’t able to have children, and with my hatred to those little vile creatures, that was just as well. Who in the world wants a herd of screaming, impish rats running under my foot, always begging for things as if they grow on a tree? Not me. Now that I'm retired, the money I've saved by not having to worry with kids will surely come in handy.

But there are some people are think money is plentiful as water; people like that guy from planet plenty good who moved 3 months ago and my life has been hell ever since.

Frederic Comoson was a weird looking guy around 170 centimeters with ginger hair a bald patch in the middle of his head. He had a nose so big that it would show up 10 centimeters before he did and massive square specks. But what made me absolutely frustrated is his obsession with kindness. He is always on the lookout to help somebody. He would seek out feeble old ladies and help them cross streets. He would note down names of the people in financial hardship and lend money to them with no interest. He would even give money to the homeless people. Can you imagine anyone giving their hard earned money to those low class social parasites?

I swear, our neighborhood had the best dressed collection of hobos in town. Why was that? It was because Frederic from Mr Nice Club would take them into stores and buy them clothes. I actually saw a wino begging for quarters in Formal clothes.

He made me so mad at times that I felt like I would blow up. The man knew that I couldn't stand him, but he would still go out of his way to greet me with that stupid little grin of his. Jeez, his intimidating eyes make me look like a nervous wreck. How could a person living in a world so full of war and diseases, murderous street gangs and soaring interest rates always be so damned happy? He was not human and is a true menace to our society!

It was on the eve of May 9th when Mister Goody-Four-Eyes overstepped his boundary. I had just bought a brand Suv truck and for some reason it wouldn't start. There I was in my own garage, minding my own business when that lunatic walked in. He smiled that stupid little smile...I began to itch...and asked me what was wrong. I told Mister Nosey Pants, that my truck wouldn't start. As usual, it was Freddy to the rescue, asking if he
could lend a hand and that did it. That was the very last straw! Damn his clammy little helping hands!

I grabbed my axe from my tool shed and while he was fixing something under the bonnet I sneaked up onto to him and, WHACK! WHACK! His head came right off. This is the first time I’ve seen a frown on his face.

And to top everything off, as if it wasen’t bad enough that my truck wouldn’t start, his blood was all over the front side of my truck. Do you have any idea what all that blood is going to do to the paint job? It was RUINED! COMPLETELY RUINED! The least he could of done was stay alive long enough to help me clean up his mess. But did he? Of course not! Boy, there’s only one thing I hate more than a good doer, thats a messy good doer.







PLS Rate and advice me on what to improve
 
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astroman

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someone could steal this and write in an exam, when the teacher copy paste's it into Google it will link to here word for word, so i suggest your remove it.
 

Green Yoda

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someone could steal this and write in an exam, when the teacher copy paste's it into Google it will link to here word for word, so i suggest your remove it.
i need some quick rate and advice tho
 

Shadowdude

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someone could steal this and write in an exam, when the teacher copy paste's it into Google it will link to here word for word, so i suggest your remove it.
just say "it's mine" and log in to bos in front of your teacher

simple
 

Green Yoda

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lol, can anyone critique this story? It's due tomorrow..
 

Crisium

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That's pretty dark for someone who''s in Year 10 ...

Keep in mind that these sorts of stories give the teachers the impression that you have depression, you are psychotic, etc. etc.

This often leads to the English teachers informing the counsellor about the student so don't be surprised if you get called down

Other than that it was a good read :)
 

Green Yoda

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That's pretty dark for someone who''s in Year 10 ...

Keep in mind that these sorts of stories give the teachers the impression that you have depression, you are psychotic, etc. etc.

This often leads to the English teachers informing the counsellor about the student so don't be surprised if you get called down

Other than that it was a good read :)
what can i say..im just expressing the theme DARK humour
 

HecticSandWitch

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Your writing is excellent, but your dark humor isn't dark humor. Not to say the piece itself wasn't funny. The best dressed hobo's in town earned a chuckle. But WHACK WHACK is not dark humor, it's slap stick and seems forced. The key to dark humor is to be subtle, and you would know this from your study of the topic right? The key is to present a seemingly innocent situation and then turn it into something dark right at the end. Here are some examples I stole from the internet.

---
Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.

"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."

"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."

---

A few days after her husband's death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami.

The e-mail reads:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.
----

Notice how they're all very formulaic? Innocent enough and then ends with something dark. This is what you're aiming for. How? I'm not sure, it's your piece. But aim for more subtlety and less WHACK WHACK. Show, don't tell!
 

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