Are you doing an all-nighter for results? if so spam here. (1 Viewer)

[dafidav]

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only $20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks. "Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity." "Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".

So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his New home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, "f*** me, a new brothel and a new madam" "I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complained the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home. Well f*** me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old client. How ya doin', Dave?"

 

[dafidav]

Three women were at work a blonde a brounette and a red head. They all agree to leave work early as their female boss has also left early.

"Come on, that bitch will never know." Says the red head.

So they all go home. The brounette got some gardening done. The redhead got to go shopping for groceries. And the blonde came home to find her boss in the bed with her husband.

The next day their boss leaves early again.

"Lets leave early again, it was so much fun and relaxing!" Says the brounette.

"Yeah I reckon! Lets do it again." Replies the redhead.

The blonde than says "NO WAY! I almost got caught yesterday!!"

 

[Will_Sparky]

Dude,

You are CLASSIC!! I just spent god knows how long reading those jokes, great time killer!!!

 

[dafidav]

A duck walks into a butcher and procedes to the counter, the butcherer at the counter asks "how might i be of service".
"Have you got any corn" the little duck asks.
"No, sorry we don't sell corn, we're a butcher we sell meat, go to the grocer to buy corn". the man replies

so the little duck walks away. and comes back the next day, again he procedes to the counter. "have you got any corn" he asks
"no We don't sell corn here" comes the butchers reply, quite hastly from behind the counter, "go to the grocer"

so the little duck walks away. and comes back the next day, again he procedes to the counter. "have you got any corn" he inquires
"Bloody Hell, we don't sell Bloody corn here" comes the butchers reply, "come in here and ask for corn again and i'll nail your beak to the counter" the butcher says angerly

so the little duck walks away. and comes back the next day, again he procedes to the counter. "have you got any nails" he asks the butcher at the counter
"no we don't have nails" the butcher says back
"fine then... (pause) do you have any corn"

 

[dafidav]

thanx will sparky

its not like i have anything better to do

REAL STORY: A Cork Radio Station (in Ireland), 96 FM, was
running a competition to find contestants who could come up with
words that were not found in any English Dictionary, yet could
still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The
prize was a trip to Bali for a week.

The DJ, Neil, had many callers; the following two standing out:

DJ: 96FM, what's your name
Caller: Hi, me name's Dave
DJ: Dave, what is your word
Caller: Goan.....spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'
DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct,
Dave, 'goan' is certainly a word not found in the English
Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali
is: What sentence can you use that word in that would make
logical sense?
Caller: "Goan fuck yourself"

At this point, the DJ cut the caller short and announced that
there is no place for that sort of language on a family show.

After many more unsuccessful calls, the DJ took the following
caller:

DJ: 96FM, what's your name
Caller: Hi, me name's Jeff
DJ: Jeff, what is your word
Caller: Smee.....spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'
DJ: We are checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff.
'Smee' is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary.
Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is: What
sentence can you use that word in that would make logical sense?
Caller: "Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!"

 

[dafidav]

What's the difference between an abortion and a watermelon?

One's small, red and delicious and the other is a watermelon






Whats the best part about fucking 24 year olds?

There's 20 of them (works better when it's spoken)





Who is the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken.




Did you hear about the new pirate movie?

It's rated Arrrrrrrrr!!






A man walks into a bar.

He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.





Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.





Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.





Two men are sitting in a bar.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit.'




How many Vietnam Veterans does it take to screw in light bulb?
I Don't know
That's coz you weren't THERE, man!! YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!




Two Pedophiles go visit the beach with their kids. One dad says to the other "Hey! Get out of my son."





What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, and Michael Jackson fucks little boys.

 

[noel_gallagher]

Mic's Politically Incorrect Jokes - most likely to offend a few people


Why don't as many women get their licences anymore?

You don't need to drive from the laundry to the kitchen sink

-

What black and sits at the top of a staircase?

A paraplegic after a house fire

-

How do you get 1000 babies into a box?

A blender

How do you get them out of the box?

Doritos

-

What's blue at sits at the bottom of the pool?

A baby with slashed floaties

What's red and floats at the top of the pool?

Floaties and a slashed baby

-

What do you call a grandad in a row-boat?

A paddle pop

-

Why did the plane crash?

The pilot was a sausage



By the way, I've got relatives who are in wheelchairs and who are babies, so don't say I'm a heartless bitch for showing these. happy hsc results

 

[Lainee]

Woah bro... slow down a little, you're going to have to last another 12 hrs.

 

[dafidav]

not a joke but interesting nontheless

In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family).
When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while
they were having sex. The placard had F.*.* K (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that word came from.

 

[dafidav]

Fresh from her shower, a lady stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Puzzled but willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

She stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your arse, didn't it?"

 

[dafidav]

Woah bro... slow down a little, you're going to have to last another 12 hrs.

i think if you read the link on page 6 that would pass some major chunk out of your time

 

[dafidav]

A man wearing a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".

"Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says.

She prys off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands.

The girl drinks another one.

Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.

"Not that damn difficult, is it?" he says

 

[dafidav]

ME: Hey Mum! After just one day on the job, my boss has given me a promotion!

MUM: Why that's wonderful dear. What position have you been promoted to?

ME: I'm now, the manager's CHIEF SEXUAL ADVISER.

MUM: Gee, that sounds pretty important. Are you sure that's correct.

ME: Yeah. He said direct to my face, "When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it"!

 

[dafidav]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is
at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is n there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a cricket ball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a pair of Wicket Keeper gloves."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£750" Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my gloves."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"£1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
ike that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit
in the Confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my
closet now"

 

[dafidav]

A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening: red cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.


Pretty soon the New Zealander started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

 

[dafidav]

A few years ago, two Aussies boarded a flight out of London after the Rugby World Cup.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Kiwi got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Aussies .

After take-off, the Kiwi kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Aussie in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a beer."

“No problem," said the Kiwi , "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the Aussies picked up the Kiwi 's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Aussie said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Kiwi obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other Aussie picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Kiwi returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Kiwi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

“How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in beers?"

 

[dafidav]

An aussie was walking down a dirt road in country new zealand, when he looks into a paddock and sees off in the distance a farmer having sex with a sheep. He leans on a fence post and yells at the farmer "Where I come from we shear those!"

The famer yells back "Get stuffed, i'm not shearing this with anyone!!"


Dont get it? Think of the NZ Accent.

 

[dafidav]

A eskimo is driving around New Zealand in a hire car when the car stops dead in its tracks, after a bit of tinkering the eskimo decides to wheel the car to a mechanic.

The Kiwi mechanic looks over the car and turns the engine over by hand and notices air escaping between the head and engine block finally saying "It looks like you fucked the seal" the eskimo then said "hey I didn't give you any shit about sheep"

 

[dafidav]

A kiwi and a irishman were driving along and they came to a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. The kiwi stopped the car and said 'ill show you what we do with these' after he was finished he turned to the irishman and said 'ok, now its your turn'

So the irishman put his head in the fence.

 

[dafidav]

An Englishman, an Irishman, an Australian and a New Zealander were in a plane, getting ready to make their first parachute jump. The Englishman's exit was spectacular; he leapt out of the plane with the cry "I am doing this for my country.....". The Irishman leapt out immediately afterwards, calling out the same words. Then the New Zealander ripped the parachute off the Australian, pushed him out of the plane and cried "I'm doing this for my Country"