ARGH! need quick help! (1 Viewer)

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Hey guys,

Ive commited the cardinal sin by leaving a pre-lim draft i have to hand in tomorrow until the last minute...so ive written this up in about 20 minutes, but i desperately need some help writing an ending, and some feedback and ideas on the rest would be much appreciated also ;)

I'm on top of the world – D1

I attempted to drown out the crowd, i tried not to think about the negatives, only what i had to do to get the ball over and pick up those precious two points. From the corner of my eye i could see rampid fans waving and screaming from the other side of the fence. I closed my eyes, ran in and kicked the ball...
I could tell from the sudden eruption of sound, like water rushing through a drain pipe that it had gone between the posts, my teammates ran over in a delirious state of ecstasy, cameras and film crew were everywhere, the fans were jumping the fence to shake my hand, the media were all rushing in to try and interview me first, it was barely controlled chaos, all over one kick.

The next week was a blur, every newspaper had my photo on the back, every television set had my face on the screen, everyone wanted to talk me. I was cutting deals with television networks and clothing company's, i even had my head on the nutrigrain!. That weekend i received a call from my manager, the club was offering me a record breaking new deal, one that would let me and my family live in luxury until the end of our days. I was on top of the world.
That was also the night i met Judy. She wasn't like other girls, she was, how do i say, skeptical. She wasn't' throwing herself on me, she wasn't vying for my attention with long eyelashes and lavish smiles, to her i was just a regular guy trying to have a good time with some mates. I saw her again the next day, and the next....

A year later i was at the airport with my soon-to-be wife, getting ready to board the plane to London for a house hunting trip before the new season started. Whilst trying to get down as much breakfast as i could before the flight, i was recognised by a couple of kids “Hey man, its him! its him!” i heard one of them whisper. After signing a few autographs i walked over to the vending machine to buy a coke, when i felt a sharp pain in my chest. It passed so i continued my journey when it hit back again, this time, twice as severe. I doubled over, not able to breath...and i passed out.

I woke up in hospital, surrounded by cold, hard, whirring machines with flashing lights. Two doctors were in the room, one was reading over notes by the end of my bed, (an old man with a receding hairline), and the other was a young man, standing to my left looking at me inquisitively “how do you feel?” He asked me. “Not great, how should i feel?” i replied with slight resignation. The doctor explained what was wrong with me, and the worst thing about it was that it took completely by surprise. I did all the right things, id never smoked, i was fit, i was healthy, no-one else in my family had it but apparently lung cancer is like that. It can just happen.

That next morning i went into surgery, i don't remember that much about it, i know my family was there and Judy was crying, then waking up a week later in incredible pain and seeing the expression on the doctors face, Straight away i knew the news wasn't good.

Its been three years since i was diagnosed with lung cancer...
It only has to be around 700 words, but ive got a massive brain freeze when it comes to finishing it off

Cheers, KK
 
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speedie

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ummmm.. is this meant to be a narrative?

if it is, the events dont really seem to link at all. u should follow the structure of the narrative- orientation, complication, events, climax.
 
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Yup, creative story...creative story on change

Im panicing big time cause its so frightfully crap!
 
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speedie

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u should say something like- yeh the girl really was something special, my life couldnt have been better. then it happened etc.. just make it sound like the change happened suddenly. then say how ur life has changed forever and u broke ur leg or wateva and u'll never be able to play soccer and ur life will never be the same etc.. then as an ending say like now u realise how unfortunate those disabled ppl are and how much they have been ignored/neglected bla bla.

hope that helps
 

Mountain.Dew

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u could reminisence on the days where your character has risen to stardom, such as ever since he was a little boy he dreamed of becoming a soccer player, his mind was set, his goal (haha, pun...) was clear...would be good to reflect upon how he did get into this awkward situation.

overall, quite a good story. you could flesh it out by adding some more descriptive language, or be more analogous or creative. common phrases like "butterflies in my stomach" or "my head was swimming" or "going from the frypan to the fireplace" should get ur head thinking and out of ur brain freeze.
 
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Here it is:

I'm on top of the world – D1

I attempted to drown out the crowd, I tried not to think about the negatives, only what I had to do to get the ball over and pick up those precious two points. From the corner of my eye I could see rampid fans waving and screaming from the other side of the fence. I closed my eyes, ran in and kicked the ball...
I could tell from the sudden eruption of sound, like water rushing through a drain pipe that it had gone between the posts, my teammates ran over in a delirious state of ecstasy, cameras and film crew were everywhere, the fans were jumping the fence to shake my hand, the media were all rushing in to try and interview me first, it was barely controlled chaos, all over one kick.

The next week was a blur, every newspaper had my photo on the back, every television set had my face on the screen, everyone wanted to talk me. I was cutting deals with television networks and clothing companies, I even had my head on the nutrigrain! That weekend I received a call from my manager, the club was offering me a record breaking new deal, one that would let me and my family live in luxury until the end of our days. I was on top of the world.

That night I went out on the town to celebrate. Now where I live, there’s only one place to go for a party, and that’s Robins, so that was where I headed first. You never know what you’re going to get at robins, some nights it might be retro, some nights it might be rock, tonight it was karaoke.

I noticed a group of girls standing by entrance eyeing me out, I could almost see the realization form in their minds, “It’s him!, It’s him!” I heard one of them whisper. I grinned knowingly and strolled over “how’s it going ladies?” I asked them, “having a good time?” They all replied positively, so we started to chat. The conversation moved onto karaoke, and they asked me if I had any hidden musical talents...

Keen to impress my new fans, I walked over to the karaoke line which was quite long, so using my popularity to my advantage I took a cut in front of a young bloke at the beginning of the line “Hi, how’s it going?” I asked, flashing my winning smile, “do you mind if I cut in here? Thanks” I said, without waiting for a reply.

As I was about to get up on stage, I felt someone grab me by the sleeve. “You can’t do that you pushed in your not next!” a voice said as I turned around, it was a middle aged man with a receding hairline and a slightly protruding lip with an obvious mental disability. “You can’t do that you pushed in your not next!” the man said again. How dare anyone say that to me? I thought. Without a pause I replied “Go back home spastic if you remember where that is, and never touch me again” the man promptly burst into tears and ran out. I looked around sheepishly and saw the girls looking at me like I was Satan.

A couple of days later at training we were doing the same old tackle drills I had been doing for years. You know, tackle a man, sprint 20 metre, tackle another man, sprint 30 metres, when’s things went bad for me. I can’t remember much about the incident, but I figure I must have gotten my head in the wrong place making a tackle and knocked myself out. An ambulance was promptly called the next thing I knew I remember was waking up on a bed in the emergency room later that night. Some might call it karma, but i just called it bad luck...

Two years later i was still lying in the same bed, my football contract was terminated, i had to sell my house and car to fund my continued treatment, and my wife left me for some young “Nice guy”
Its kind of weird sometimes I feel perfectly normal, but most of the time its as though someone’s turned out the light in my head, and I have to walk round in the dark to trying to find the light switch. Apparently when I took that knock, part of my brain die off. I don’t think anyone really knows how hard it is until they have been there themselves, not been able to walk and talk on command, not been able to remember things that happened just minutes ago, and the always judging eye you receive from the general public.

Right now, im in rehabilitation with my only friend in this place. He is not so different from myself. I’ve learnt a lot over the last few years by him, he's shown me the finer things in life, the things that really matter. Like the joy of giving instead of taking, accepting people instead of pushing them away, even the sun rising over a never-ending sea of sand.
His name is Gareth, a middle aged man with a receding hairline and a slightly protruding lip with a now not so obvious mental disability. We just looked at each other for a while, and then I gave him a hug.
 

Mountain.Dew

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touching story.

however, i think its important in the end to really stress the transition from his previous lifestyle to the new one at the rehabilitation centre.

also, i think it would be good to talk more about the new perspective presented by the old man, perhaps something like:

"i stared the man in the face. a thousand memories flooded me, but now, the storm has been calmed as he looked at me with those twinkling eyes. the flood of negative memories was replaced with a torrent of care, responsibility and respect..."...something like that. but then, its up 2 u.
 

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