Can I Please Get Feedback On My Creative Story (1 Viewer)

mmmm.

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Hey guys, i have written a creative story which i plan on using in my HSC (2020), and i was wondering if you guys could give me some feedback? Thanks in advance :)

Life used to be normal, waking up and going for a walk outside, the fresh cold breeze would blow across your face as the sunlight glistened on the morning dew. But now it’s just a dull world, an oppressed society where one wrong move will determine your fate. Sometimes I think to myself, is it worth continuing to live?

Under the streetlights stood guards in all black holding their rifles, ready to place the bullets into the skull of anyone that decided to find a way out. With cameras and guards on every street, it was difficult to escape this place that we are supposed to call home. One guard leaned against the streetlight as his head jerked, waiting to go back to the warmth of his home. He breathed into his hands to keep them warm and the vapor would vanish into the dark.

The government divided the country into three posts. Each post was a representation of the individual, there were the servants, headmen and the insurgents. I was a part of the servants, a society of working-class people who were the governments sheep.

Beep! Beep! Beep!

The whining of the alarm clock at 6:30 am took me out of my sleep, every second was infuriating as I struggled to reach for the snooze button. I sat up against the wall staring at the holes in the roof, while splinters ripped into my shirt. I got up, walked to the bathroom and stood still, staring deeply into the mirror. My face pale and emotionless like the walls I was surrounded by. I left the bathroom and grabbed my once vibrant green jacket, put on my beanie and left for work. Our post was the most important as we provided everything to the rest of the country, meat, clothes, salt, everything you see around you was made by us. This wasn’t the life I wanted to live. As cliché as it may sound, I always wanted to travel the world, but this couldn’t be possible if I continued to live the way I did. I knew what I needed to do, but I wasn’t sure if the risk of dying was worth it.

After coming back from work, thoughts were running through my head as if it were an Olympic race, and at that moment I decided to get up and leave. I packed my backpack with all my clothes, and carefully walked through the alleyways, to avoid being seen. I waited as each guard walked around and then ran to the next alley where I would hide until it was safe to move.

Now I live on the outskirts of the city in the forest. Looking back, I was glad to have taken the risks to make myself happier and not just live a robotic life. Waking up in the early morning, the sunlight breaks the canopy, creating a golden glow. The cool breeze carries the sweet fragrance of the sap through the forest, creating warmth and comfort. The orange leaves that littered the ground crunched under each step, reminding me of all the rubbish in the city.

But as the sun disappeared behind the trees and the sky illuminated in shades of orange and red, life was about to begin. The forest was the host of the black market which thrived, briberies constantly happened as well the illegal movement of people between posts, who wanted a better life just like me. This was risky because the government had his guards in all black patrolling the forest as well, making it harder for new escapees. I sat high in the trees like a hawk, tracing their every move and watching the guards carefully so that I wouldn’t be seen.

But tonight would be different as I soon found out. While laying down, I heard the leaves crunch and looked around to see beams of lights becoming brighter every second. I bolted, all my knowledge disappeared just like I did a couple of months ago. The ground was wet and I was sliding all over the place, while my lungs were begging for more air.

Stop! Yelled someone in the distance.

I looked to see who had yelled and it was the guards, only visible by their flashlights. While running, my shoelaces became tangled with the roots in the ground and I fell down the hill, rolling down like I was a dead body that had been tossed away. This was it. I was surrounded and had nowhere to go.

My legs were held in the air as my back was being rubbed along the ground. All the light faded away, and the silence was interrupted by the crackling engine of a car. I was sliding around in the back of the car as if I were on an ice rink. The sliding stopped and it went dead quiet, the door opened and in front of me was HQ. When I walked up and knocked on the door, I was greeted by a light which would have all my hopes and dreams in it. As I walked further into the hallway, the light began to disappear, and so did my hopes for the future.
 

jojosiwa123

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Your use of imagery is really good! You need to work on tense though- I can tell you are shifting between the future and past which in itself is a good use of structure, but some of the tense is incorrect making it difficult to read at times. For example in the intro you start using past tense "life used to be normal" then you shift to present tense "but now its just a dull world" and then you move to past tense again "under the street lights stood guards".

The paragraph "Now I live on the outskirts" is in the present, and again it might be better to stick to one tense after this: either past or present rather than switching back and forth.

I don't know much about the English Standard syllabus but I'm assuming you are writing a story based on a dystopian novel, possibly 1984? If so although it's good that you have explored the genre/some of the themes within it, many students follow into the trap of essentially copying the storyline of the novel. In order to differentiate yourself from other students, work on including more language techniques from the texts you study (for example extended metaphor, anaphora, repetition), but again, your visual and olfactory imagery is really good!
 

whatsup1812

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This.... is quite ordinary.... there's really no storyline and the use of onomatopoeia is very cliche. It's quite difficult to read because you also keep shifting between past and present tense. There's also a lot of grammatical and spelling errors. It needs a lot of work but otherwise, keep it up!!
 

mmmm.

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Your use of imagery is really good! You need to work on tense though- I can tell you are shifting between the future and past which in itself is a good use of structure, but some of the tense is incorrect making it difficult to read at times. For example in the intro you start using past tense "life used to be normal" then you shift to present tense "but now its just a dull world" and then you move to past tense again "under the street lights stood guards".

The paragraph "Now I live on the outskirts" is in the present, and again it might be better to stick to one tense after this: either past or present rather than switching back and forth.

I don't know much about the English Standard syllabus but I'm assuming you are writing a story based on a dystopian novel, possibly 1984? If so although it's good that you have explored the genre/some of the themes within it, many students follow into the trap of essentially copying the storyline of the novel. In order to differentiate yourself from other students, work on including more language techniques from the texts you study (for example extended metaphor, anaphora, repetition), but again, your visual and olfactory imagery is really good!
Thankyou so much. Btw my story is based on The Pedestrian
 

mmmm.

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This.... is quite ordinary.... there's really no storyline and the use of onomatopoeia is very cliche. It's quite difficult to read because you also keep shifting between past and present tense. There's also a lot of grammatical and spelling errors. It needs a lot of work but otherwise, keep it up!!
Thankyou so much. Could you please give me any tips or ways to keep it in past/present tense, and which tense do you think would be the best?
 

mmmm.

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all good :) keep practicing and make sure to get teacher feedback if you can!
best of luck!
Thankyou, can't really get feedback since my teacher is somewhat racist, but I'll try my best. Btw, is there anything else i should change in addition to the tense?
 

jojosiwa123

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Thankyou, can't really get feedback since my teacher is somewhat racist, but I'll try my best. Btw, is there anything else i should change in addition to the tense?
uhhhh if you believe your teacher might be discriminating against you this sounds like a serious issue you need to take up with admin... In the meantime, you should see if any other teachers are available (at my school at most teachers are willing to help hsc students during free lessons or after school), getting a tutor might also be a good option.

As other users have said, the story is a bit cliche but this can't always be avoided. In order to improve in that sense, it may be good for example to focus on specific areas of the story (for example the escape; you could go into more detail), and leave an abrupt ending. but again focus on the language techniques!
 

Anh4life

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Hey guys, i have written a creative story which i plan on using in my HSC (2020), and i was wondering if you guys could give me some feedback? Thanks in advance :)

Life used to be normal, waking up and going for a walk outside, the fresh cold breeze would blow across your face as the sunlight glistened on the morning dew. But now it’s just a dull world, an oppressed society where one wrong move will determine your fate. Sometimes I think to myself, is it worth continuing to live?

Under the streetlights stood guards in all black holding their rifles, ready to place the bullets into the skull of anyone that decided to find a way out. With cameras and guards on every street, it was difficult to escape this place that we are supposed to call home. One guard leaned against the streetlight as his head jerked, waiting to go back to the warmth of his home. He breathed into his hands to keep them warm and the vapor would vanish into the dark.

The government divided the country into three posts. Each post was a representation of the individual, there were the servants, headmen and the insurgents. I was a part of the servants, a society of working-class people who were the governments sheep.

Beep! Beep! Beep!

The whining of the alarm clock at 6:30 am took me out of my sleep, every second was infuriating as I struggled to reach for the snooze button. I sat up against the wall staring at the holes in the roof, while splinters ripped into my shirt. I got up, walked to the bathroom and stood still, staring deeply into the mirror. My face pale and emotionless like the walls I was surrounded by. I left the bathroom and grabbed my once vibrant green jacket, put on my beanie and left for work. Our post was the most important as we provided everything to the rest of the country, meat, clothes, salt, everything you see around you was made by us. This wasn’t the life I wanted to live. As cliché as it may sound, I always wanted to travel the world, but this couldn’t be possible if I continued to live the way I did. I knew what I needed to do, but I wasn’t sure if the risk of dying was worth it.

After coming back from work, thoughts were running through my head as if it were an Olympic race, and at that moment I decided to get up and leave. I packed my backpack with all my clothes, and carefully walked through the alleyways, to avoid being seen. I waited as each guard walked around and then ran to the next alley where I would hide until it was safe to move.

Now I live on the outskirts of the city in the forest. Looking back, I was glad to have taken the risks to make myself happier and not just live a robotic life. Waking up in the early morning, the sunlight breaks the canopy, creating a golden glow. The cool breeze carries the sweet fragrance of the sap through the forest, creating warmth and comfort. The orange leaves that littered the ground crunched under each step, reminding me of all the rubbish in the city.

But as the sun disappeared behind the trees and the sky illuminated in shades of orange and red, life was about to begin. The forest was the host of the black market which thrived, briberies constantly happened as well the illegal movement of people between posts, who wanted a better life just like me. This was risky because the government had his guards in all black patrolling the forest as well, making it harder for new escapees. I sat high in the trees like a hawk, tracing their every move and watching the guards carefully so that I wouldn’t be seen.

But tonight would be different as I soon found out. While laying down, I heard the leaves crunch and looked around to see beams of lights becoming brighter every second. I bolted, all my knowledge disappeared just like I did a couple of months ago. The ground was wet and I was sliding all over the place, while my lungs were begging for more air.

Stop! Yelled someone in the distance.

I looked to see who had yelled and it was the guards, only visible by their flashlights. While running, my shoelaces became tangled with the roots in the ground and I fell down the hill, rolling down like I was a dead body that had been tossed away. This was it. I was surrounded and had nowhere to go.

My legs were held in the air as my back was being rubbed along the ground. All the light faded away, and the silence was interrupted by the crackling engine of a car. I was sliding around in the back of the car as if I were on an ice rink. The sliding stopped and it went dead quiet, the door opened and in front of me was HQ. When I walked up and knocked on the door, I was greeted by a light which would have all my hopes and dreams in it. As I walked further into the hallway, the light began to disappear, and so did my hopes for the future.
- You’re telling the reader quite a lot about what’s happening. Instead of telling, you should show the reader - ‘show dont tell’.
- You need to add in quotation marks if you’re making a character speak.
- the beginning had some pretty good imagery but as i read further, that kinda faded and you just started telling me what’s happening.
- there’s no storyline... no rising action or falling action...
- instead of:
“But as the sun disappeared behind the trees and the sky illuminated in shades of orange and red, life was about to begin”
You could reword it as:
“As the sun descended behind the evergreen, the sky illuminated of a young fire. Life was about to begin...” - this is an example of ‘show don’t tell’
- you need to rephrase a lot of your sentences, they’re not making much sense
 

studiesofboard

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Hey guys, i have written a creative story which i plan on using in my HSC (2020), and i was wondering if you guys could give me some feedback? Thanks in advance :)

Life used to be normal, waking up and going for a walk outside, the fresh cold breeze would blow across your face as the sunlight glistened on the morning dew. But now it’s just a dull world, an oppressed society where one wrong move will determine your fate. Sometimes I think to myself, is it worth continuing to live?

Under the streetlights stood guards in all black holding their rifles, ready to place the bullets into the skull of anyone that decided to find a way out. With cameras and guards on every street, it was difficult to escape this place that we are supposed to call home. One guard leaned against the streetlight as his head jerked, waiting to go back to the warmth of his home. He breathed into his hands to keep them warm and the vapor would vanish into the dark.

The government divided the country into three posts. Each post was a representation of the individual, there were the servants, headmen and the insurgents. I was a part of the servants, a society of working-class people who were the governments sheep.

Beep! Beep! Beep!

The whining of the alarm clock at 6:30 am took me out of my sleep, every second was infuriating as I struggled to reach for the snooze button. I sat up against the wall staring at the holes in the roof, while splinters ripped into my shirt. I got up, walked to the bathroom and stood still, staring deeply into the mirror. My face pale and emotionless like the walls I was surrounded by. I left the bathroom and grabbed my once vibrant green jacket, put on my beanie and left for work. Our post was the most important as we provided everything to the rest of the country, meat, clothes, salt, everything you see around you was made by us. This wasn’t the life I wanted to live. As cliché as it may sound, I always wanted to travel the world, but this couldn’t be possible if I continued to live the way I did. I knew what I needed to do, but I wasn’t sure if the risk of dying was worth it.

After coming back from work, thoughts were running through my head as if it were an Olympic race, and at that moment I decided to get up and leave. I packed my backpack with all my clothes, and carefully walked through the alleyways, to avoid being seen. I waited as each guard walked around and then ran to the next alley where I would hide until it was safe to move.

Now I live on the outskirts of the city in the forest. Looking back, I was glad to have taken the risks to make myself happier and not just live a robotic life. Waking up in the early morning, the sunlight breaks the canopy, creating a golden glow. The cool breeze carries the sweet fragrance of the sap through the forest, creating warmth and comfort. The orange leaves that littered the ground crunched under each step, reminding me of all the rubbish in the city.

But as the sun disappeared behind the trees and the sky illuminated in shades of orange and red, life was about to begin. The forest was the host of the black market which thrived, briberies constantly happened as well the illegal movement of people between posts, who wanted a better life just like me. This was risky because the government had his guards in all black patrolling the forest as well, making it harder for new escapees. I sat high in the trees like a hawk, tracing their every move and watching the guards carefully so that I wouldn’t be seen.

But tonight would be different as I soon found out. While laying down, I heard the leaves crunch and looked around to see beams of lights becoming brighter every second. I bolted, all my knowledge disappeared just like I did a couple of months ago. The ground was wet and I was sliding all over the place, while my lungs were begging for more air.

Stop! Yelled someone in the distance.

I looked to see who had yelled and it was the guards, only visible by their flashlights. While running, my shoelaces became tangled with the roots in the ground and I fell down the hill, rolling down like I was a dead body that had been tossed away. This was it. I was surrounded and had nowhere to go.

My legs were held in the air as my back was being rubbed along the ground. All the light faded away, and the silence was interrupted by the crackling engine of a car. I was sliding around in the back of the car as if I were on an ice rink. The sliding stopped and it went dead quiet, the door opened and in front of me was HQ. When I walked up and knocked on the door, I was greeted by a light which would have all my hopes and dreams in it. As I walked further into the hallway, the light began to disappear, and so did my hopes for the future.

Colour coded - places where you could show don't tell more

Other tips (sorry to sound harsh but I rather give you honest feedback so you can further improve) :)
- Show don't tell
- Flashback needed - two one taking you back into the past and one bringing you back into the present
- Motif needed
- P.s I was a bit confused at times. I don't get what the story is about.
- There is a lot of visual description which is fantastic but where is the context?
 

mmmm.

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Colour coded - places where you could show don't tell more

Other tips (sorry to sound harsh but I rather give you honest feedback so you can further improve) :)
- Show don't tell
- Flashback needed - two one taking you back into the past and one bringing you back into the present
- Motif needed
- P.s I was a bit confused at times. I don't get what the story is about.
- There is a lot of visual description which is fantastic but where is the context?
I would rather you be as harsh as possible which will help me fix this story. When you said you were a bit confused at times, could you explain how and if possible, the ways in which i could allow the reader to understand the story? Thankyou in advance and for the feedback you have provided
 

mmmm.

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A few of you guys have said to show don't tell, do you know any good videos or websites which can help me? Because I'm not the best when it comes to creative writing
 

Anh4life

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This
A few of you guys have said to show don't tell, do you know any good videos or websites which can help me? Because I'm not the best when it comes to creative writing
I sent this website to a friend who had difficulty in writing her creative piece. This will give you an outline of where you stand - the website is called “Best descriptive writing sentences”

Reading books of different genres can increase your vocabulary and give you a pretty good hint of ‘show dont tell’.
 

studiesofboard

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I would rather you be as harsh as possible which will help me fix this story. When you said you were a bit confused at times, could you explain how and if possible, the ways in which i could allow the reader to understand the story? Thankyou in advance and for the feedback you have provided
I meant what was the story about. I could not grasp the idea. It was just a bunch of visual descriptions but it wasn't alluding to anything. To allow the reader to understand the story you need to focus on a specific human experience. We both do standard English and I think they expect us to write about human experiences as all modules studied throughout the year focused on experiences. For example, the common human experience of fear. :)
 

Anh4life

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A few of you guys have said to show don't tell, do you know any good videos or websites which can help me? Because I'm not the best when it comes to creative writing
I also recommend using a lot of synonyms since your wording is a bit too simple; an example is “trees” -> “evergreen, conifer, sapling...”
“Walked” -> “saunter, stroll, amble...”
Instead of using simplistic words for colours, try paint names for them e.g. “orange” -> “coral, marigold, ochre etc.”

There’s a lot of editing that needs to be done. Not to mention, if you’ll be writing this in your HSC as a creative piece, you’ll most likely be asked to write a reflection. Who influenced you to write this? You need to use the essay structure (PETAL or PEEL etc.) for your reflection and annotate some of your quotes and the person who inspired/influenced you (their poem/novel etc...) Word limit should be kept at 800 words for both creative and reflection. But at the same time, the question might ask you to write a creative piece based on a picture or quote they provided so you MUST have a storyline beforehand.

If you’d like, I can send you my creative piece and reflection for you to have a look at - i came first in the grade with 24/25 as a result. I just lost a mark because my creative was a bit congested.
 

mikikieko12

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Your creative is "telling" more than "showing". To get higher marks its best to show rather than tell.
Some ways to improve this would be to use certain types of imagery such as visual, auditory, olfactory, gustatory, tactile and kinaesthetic imagery.
For example instead of telling the audience what's happen show them whats happening through the senses.

Since your doing Pedestrian the storyline is somewhat relatable to the themes. But the story also feels very rushed and doesn't really seem to have any context or purpose, so you may need to change it to make it flow better. Btw personally your storyline is very messy and has lots of unnecessary information and context. Maybe you can use a non-linear structure such as flashbacks or diptych to cut out some of unnecessary parts in the creative. You should also try to stylistically mirror pedestrian by maybe using a third person perspective and other techniques to show the protagonist detachment from the current world. Also try not to make it too cliché.

But I strongly advice you to get feedback from a teacher if possible!
 

Anh4life

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I meant what was the story about. I could not grasp the idea. It was just a bunch of visual descriptions but it wasn't alluding to anything. To allow the reader to understand the story you need to focus on a specific human experience. We both do standard English and I think they expect us to write about human experiences as all modules studied throughout the year focused on experiences. For example, the common human experience of fear. :)
They could also ask you to write a creative piece that was inspired by a poet, quote or picture from common module or module B ad C
 

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