Comment on my essay plz (1 Viewer)

sly fly

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Hey ppl, im currently writing a practice aos essay for tomorrow's exam. As will be obvious, I haven't finished it yet it (this isn't even half). So if someone could just read over it and tell me if im on the right track, and also comment on anything that needs improving, it would be much appreciated. Thanks alot!



‘’A physical journey is the catalyst for a deeper journey extending beyond the physical’’ Examine this statement using your prescribed texts, one text from the stimulus booklet and at least two other texts of your own choosing.


Shirley MacLaine once said ''I hoped that the trip would be the best of all journeys: a journey into ourselves''. Her statement supports the notion that physical journeys extend far beyond the physical. As well as the physicality of travelling from an established beginning to a destination, physical journeys are the catalyst for expanding oneself intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. To effectively express this concept, composers employ a variety of stylistic features and techniques. This is evident in Peter Skryznecki’s poems ‘Crossing the Red Sea’ and 'Immigrants at Central Station, 1951' from the ‘Immigrant Chronicle’ collection. As well, an extract from ‘The Town Where Time Stands Still’ (1999) by Shirley Geok-lin Lim, ‘A Place for Us’ - a documentary aired by ABC TV on the 20th of August 1998 directed by Keith Walter and the short story entitled 'On First Seeing Sydney' by Wanda Koolmatre, are all texts that explore the complexity of the physical journey.


The poem, ‘Crossing the Red Sea’, serves to recount the migrant experiences of the late 1940’s following a war-torn Europe. Leaving behind their homelands and searching for areas unaffected by decimation, Skryznecki explores how the physical path of the journey has influenced the psychology of these migrants. The immigrants encounter various elements of nature on the actual course of their journey, which affect them in differing ways. The ‘’kindness Of the sea’’ has broken into ‘’Walled-up griefs’’ suggesting that the ocean has acted as a healing agent for the travellers. Nature is personified as being kind, giving the sea an emotion of its own. However, nature has also worked to reinforce the dismal reality of this unpredictable journey. As ‘’Daybreak took away The magic of dreams’’, the responder is reminded of the anguish of the reasons behind the voyage. Such juxtaposition of the varying effects of nature works to highlight the complexity of this physical journey. It reveals how the physical journey is metaphoric of a deeper, inner journey.


'Immigrants at Central Station, 1951' also provides a look at the migrant experience following World War 2. However, unlike Crossing the Red Sea, which offers some element of hope, 'Immigrants at Central Station' reveals a physical journey that is clearly negative and brutal.







And on it shall go...(I dunno why it's spaced out all wierd. Nevertheless, it should be easy to figure out where each paragraph begins and ends). I wanna try and get a 14/15 for this essay...is that possible with the way it's going? As u can tell, im a bit insecure when it comes to english lol.
 

Aimz- Lou.

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It is very good. The only thing to watch out for is avoid using the phrase "inner journey" since your focus is physical. Try something like "emotional transformation".
 

sly fly

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Thanks for the input guys......I ended up getting 13 but I think thats because the essay q I got in the exam was veryyy diff to this one so I had to do quite a bit of adjusting.
 

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