Discursive Writing Piece - Year 11 (feedback and advice) (1 Viewer)

eddie_woo_is_daddy

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This writing was a small part of my Year 11 exam, with this section given a mark of 16/20. This story was written in 25 minutes under exam condition. I feel as if it was marked pretty harshly given the time (most of the markers at my school are HSC markers). Any feedback or advice is much appreciated.

Hard work beats talent. But talent beats hard work when talent works hard. This paradoxical aphorism is well-known and universally accepted, but not well understood. Initially, many people take offence when considering this saying. Upon initial comprehension, many receive a negative connotation. Many take away from this that even if they try their hardest, they will always lose to someone better than them.

This is an extremely harmful psychology to respect. The way that you analyse this quote exposes your personal outlook on life, and your individual interpretation of yourself. The people who think this way when the maths test arrives. They say: ‘I’m not intellectually gifted’. When they attempt to run the marathon, They say: ‘I have never been athletically talented’. Do you understand what I’m trying to say? It’s a never-ending cycle of hopelessness and eternal dread. Think this way and you will always fail. You broke Rule One; you will never succeed. You have to believe in yourself; it’s the only chance you have.

You turn on the TV, and the Olympics Games is in its second-day of competition. With nothing better to do, you decide to sit down on the couch and watch some of the events. Event number one; high jump. You watch perplexed as the athlete runs up to the bar at the perfect angle. As they approach the bar, they speed up, tense their legs and effortlessly launch into the air, gliding straight over the bar and landing professionally on the mat. Two metres cleared. How did they do that?

At this moment you have a deep personal reflection. You take your eyes off the television and look around your room. Bag of Mcdonald’s sitting on the countertop. Large coke in hand. XXL t-shirt stretching at the hems. You could be talented, but have you even worked hard?

Talent is like a pair of chiselled abs, sitting under forty-kilos of fat. You will only ever see the talent come through after you have already done the hard work. But have you ever worked hard, or have you stayed in the bed of comfort, head on the pillow of laziness and shrouded in the blanket of wasted talent? You have been asleep your whole life; hard work beats talent, but talent beats hard work when talent works hard.

But you don’t know if you have talent until you work hard, and there are few people in the world who are working hard enough. Will they work as hard as you? Will you work as hard as you can?

Life is about choices and we all make choices everyday, based on our perception of our talents and our potential. The athlete isn’t much different from yourself. No crazy superpowers. No strings attached. The only difference is the athlete worked hard, and you haven’t worked a day in your life.

So, get out there, work hard, and never give up. Nothing comes easy in life. You have to ride up the hill of life on the bike of your mind and actions; eventually you will reach the top. If you really want to get out there and achieve greatness you have to be ready to sacrifice it all. Michael Jordan missed over 10,000 shots in his career. Cristiano Ronaldo has never won a World Cup despite trying five times over. You’re doing great. You’re just one moment from your big break. Just keep pedalling up that hill.
 

eddie_woo_is_daddy

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What is the stimulus/question and criteria/rubric?
This exam involved writing two short discursive or creative pieces that evoked emotion in the reader, and a reflection for each piece of writing. I had to choose two parent texts (one inspiration for each writing piece).

This was one of my two writing pieces, with the stimulus being David Malouf's, 'An Imaginary Life', from which I implemented a number of discursive techniques.

The 16/20 mark for this section was purely about how effective my piece was in evoking emotion within the reader, and how I sustained my writing voice and showed authorial skill.

There was a completely different mark for the other writing piece and the two reflections.

I mainly got marked down on this story, for not sustaining a clear idea. The teacher also didn't like the structure/progression of the story.
 

scaryshark09

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tbh i didn't read it all, but perhaps starting with the anecdote of the olympics would be more effective?
i feel that is a better start to draw the readers attention, rather than hard work stuff.
so i would switch the order a bit here
 

Cute-Duckie

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Personally I really like your piece, the main thing I picked up on that I think your markers might mean is that you have all these ideas and metaphors that you can branch off of, extend, and make them lead to an even more wholistic message, but often you don't. It sort of gets to the point where what you're saying, while good and interesting, is kind of repetitive - the same message written in different fonts, if you will. Maybe leading those ideas somewhere further would help extend your piece a lot more and make it more engaging throughout?

The only other stuff I picked up on was really nit picky - e.g. you refer to the first idea as a quote in your second paragraph, but it isn't in quotation marks or with a person's name attached as who said it. Just silly things like that which probably don't matter in terms of your overall piece.

I actually really love the theme here though and I think it's a super cool concept.
 

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