Feedback for my common mod essay please since my teacher hasn't checked my essay since early this year! (1 Viewer)

jenii14

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Texts demonstrate the idea that when an individual is set to a confined standard the erratic and inconsistent behaviour within us prevails. Hence our chaotic nature and unpredictability allows us to differentiate between one another and is what defines a human experience. Every individual is unique through one’s history of experiences and emotions they have gathered over their lifetime, this allows coherence within a set group. Along with our differences our shared experiences is what allows us to bond with one another. Texts such as 1984 by Geroge Orwell illustrates that by overcoming obstacles set in a totalitarian society, people gain the experience of individualism. In our human nature we have the desire to experience certain emotions and actions, such as to love, to argue and to rebel. While considered normal here it is a heinous crime in 1984. Winston does this through love of one another, the rise and downfall of the human spirit and rebellious acts. Through this Winston becomes an inconsistency and anomaly in Oceania. Orwell implies the need for rebellious actions and will power against authority in order to preserve our identity, an idea which has transcended in today’s time. Therefore, texts showcase both a collective and individual experience through becoming an inconsistency in an ordered society.

Winston’s lack of affection with others has resulted in a lonely man, and unable to see the potential of human connection, thus when he does experience love his persona has evolved. To love someone or to feel loved is a human need, as it is a foundation of growth. Initially Winston feels no connection with his first marriage and is in a sense of dilemma. A relationship described as a “Duty to the party.” This perspective depicts no affection in the relationship, fundamental to a successful marriage and only creates a miserable man. Winston’s attitude develops through his first interaction with Julia whom he despises at first, but opposingly he still wants to have a sexual relationship with her. Hence Winston’s character is a paradox as he acts with two opposing factors. Winstons starts his affair with Julia and this leads to a relationship of affection “Winston felt a deep tenderness. He wished they were a married couple of 10 years...He wished they were walking through the streets with her...openly and without fear.” The repetition of what Winston hoped for in the future demonstrates something he longs for yet is unattainable. Starting this relationship had led Winston to have a new experience and hence undergo emotions that he hadn’t before. The journey from his first relationship to Julia had allowed him to overcome loneliness and gain new insight into the need for human companionship. Therefore, Winston becomes an inconsistency from the citizens in Oceania as he realises the need for human connection. His hatred for conformity allowed him to breakthrough and see a different perspective allowing him to liberate himself and see the world differently. Therefore, when an individual is set into a confirmed state as a human we oppose this ideology due to our human needs to feel love, just like Winston did.

Through overcoming obstacles and challenging the repressive regime, individuals have the ability to preserve their identity by rebelling against authority. Winston is living under the party where every act and thought is carefully monitored. His sense of privacy and individuality is restricted as he lives in a strict autocratic system. Orwell’s extended motif of surveillance where “every moment is scrutinised” demonstrates the deeply controlled society with a lack of freedom of identity can essentially cause one to lose who they are as a person. Unlike the rest, Winston has a strong hatred for conformity and begins his trajectory of rebellion. Winston rebels to preserve his identity and to become an anomaly in society. He challenges oppression through acts such as secretly writing in his diary. But it seems that Winston is aware that eventually there will be consequences for his actions. Once again Winstons is a paradox as he knows his rebellious actions will have consequences yet he still pursues them. Winston soon realises that a collective experience can overpower the individual and soon reaches a revolutionary paradox “Until they become conscious they will never rebel, and until after they have rebelled they cannot become conscious.” He comes to a realisation that if only the proles rebelled against the party could they ever overthrow them, but since the proles are deeply brainwashed this isn’t possible. Hence Winston’s revolutionary understanding has caused him to be an anomaly in society. Yet he pursues through with his rebellion as it only makes him feel more empowered. Winston would repeatedly remind himself that “2+2=4,” in order to be self aware of his beliefs and ideologies without the interference of the party. Later on when he is getting tortured the power of the collective which is of the party has broken him down as “2 + 2=5” is reinforced. This oxymoron illustrates how the party is powerful enough to convince people the inherent false statements and abandon all logic. Ultimately the power of the collective wins over the individual and Winston’s rebellious journey has concluded. Orwell discusses the need for rebellion against abuse of power and control, instructing readers contextually “become conscious of their own strength.” as readers are reminded of the power they hold over rebelling against their authority together as one. Through Winston’s example we understand that the collaborative power of a group can overthrow an individual strength. Orwell demonstrates that experiences of dejections and limitations can cause rebellion to arise of an individual.

The human spirit is within each individual and comes out to give us strength and courage to face difficult situations. How each human spirit reacts will be different for each individual as we all have different characteristics and will power. The human spirit can either prevail or be broken. During the beginning of the book Winston’s human spirit was prevailing as he had the courage to take risks while knowing there were dangerous consequences from doing so. Winston’s daring and confident tone “We (Julia and Winston) are enemies of the party...we disbelieve in the principles of Ingsoc.” This anaphorically reveals his strong frustration and opposition against the party that is shared with Julia. A common and collective experience between the two. He was continuously growing until he was caught for being in a relationship with Julia. Once captured he is tortured using his worst fear of rats and in desperation calls out “Do it to Julia...not me...Julia.” His distress and agony signifies how his human spirit has broken down to nothing. Winston is no longer an anomaly nor is different from the rest of the members of the party. As now he is brainwashed and manipulated to believing the lies of the party, he has lost his sense to think for himself and believe the truth. Ultimately Winston loses all affection he had for Julia as he is now devoted to Big Brother “I love Big Brother. “ Winston has lost himself and his trajectory of rebellion has come to an end. Therefore when Winston’s human spirit was prevailing he had the ability to see the world for what it truly was as well as to think individually. The human spirit is a sense of strength, courage and motivation that individuals face.

George Orwell’s 1984 analyses Winston’s path of attaining a human experience. Living in an oppressed and totalitarian society Winstons is singled out with the rest of his society. Winstons becomes an anomaly and inconsistency of society as he is differentiated from the rest of his members through his thoughts, actions and needs. 1984 discusses Winston’s need for life, rebellious journey and the human spirit all which contribute to Winston’s ability to reach a human experience. Ultimately Orwell amplifies an universal need for collective resistance against dictatorship and totalitarianism. Orwell’s ideas transcend in today’s time as he highlights the need to rebel against authority as it is what makes it singular and differentiable in a society. Whether the outcome is successful or not is not the point, but rather the conscious power and understanding of one’s strength collectively utilised can have compelling denouements Once humans become aware of their potential, they have the strength to break out of the bounds of control.


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Velocifire

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NOICE. I read 1984 for pleasure a couple of years back so I know the stuff. I do standard so this is next level work (for me). What was the question?

Why did you like fully post it here? Couldn't you have uploaded word document? Not complaining just asking and I usually look at pages done.
 

jenii14

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NOICE. I read 1984 for pleasure a couple of years back so I know the stuff. I do standard so this is next level work (for me). What was the question?

Why did you like fully post it here? Couldn't you have uploaded word document? Not complaining just asking and I usually look at pages done.
It's just a master essay, so I could alter it to any question. Ahaha I'm not sure actually, probably should have posted it on a word document
 

DrDawn

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Here's some feedback :)

General

Hello! I can see you have put a lot of effort into your assignment. I note this is master essay which will be adapted for different texts.

Overall, there has been an effort to use sophisticated vocabulary and the spelling appears to be accurate. Some revisions to the grammar are needed, to improve the clarity and quality of your writing.

Structure

Overall the structure of your assignment works well. You have split your work into clear and logical sections. The body paragraphs stick to single points and do not go off topic, so are clear to read. They begin with topic sentences which inform the reader of the point to follow. However, your introduction is missing a clear thesis.

Your thesis is your argument. In general, it should be one or two sentences that clearly and directly responds to your essay question/prompt. The thesis should be succinct and focused solely on the argument that you intend to support throughout the essay. Thesis statements often begin with phrases such as ‘ This essay will…’

Language

The language is mostly formal and appropriate for academic writing. However, try to avoid the use of contractions; see the note below.
There has been an effort to use sophisticated vocabulary. Ensure that all the sentences are concise, and use enough but not too many words to convey the thought.

Contractions: Academic texts are generally read as more formal without the use of contractions. For example, 'Communication strategies should not be ignored' is stronger than: 'Communication strategies shouldn't be ignored'. Be sure to keep your contraction usage minimal throughout your academic writing.

Spelling and grammar

The spelling appears to be accurate. However, there are some grammatical errors regarding missing punctuation, sentence fragments, subject verb disagreement and tense inconsistency. Correcting these errors as described below will improve the clarity of your sentences.

Comma usage: In a sentence that begins with a connective word such as however, a comma can be used to separate the connective word from the rest of the sentence. For example: However, the reporter did not interview any students. In sentences that begin with introductory phrases and clauses, a comma is used after the introductory phrase. For example: Because of this, the article was biased. Although the students were unhappy, they did not complain.

Comma splice: This is an error caused by using a comma to connect two independent clauses which each could be their own separate sentences. In this case, a comma isn't strong enough to link the two clauses, which means you will have to use a semicolon, a coordinating conjunction, or a period between them. I have annotated some areas where this error occurs in your writing.

Apostrophes: Show ownership through the use of apostrophes. The way in which you use the apostrophes will vary depending on whether you are referring to the plural or singular form of the word, but in general you will need to add an apostrophe and then an 's'.

Subject-verb agreement: The subject and verb in a sentence need to agree in number. A singular subject needs a singular verb e.g. 'The student writes', while a plural subject needs a plural verb e.g. 'The students write'. Ensure that all the subjects agree with the verbs in your sentences.

Sentence fragments: A sentence fragment is an incomplete sentence. To be complete, a sentence must contain a subject and a verb and express a complete thought. For example, ‘Writing the first draft of an essay’ is a sentence fragment because there is no clear subject or verb. In short, more information is needed. You could create a complete sentence out of this fragment in several ways. For instance, ‘Writing the first draft of an essay is an important step,’ and ‘The tutor is discussing the concept of writing the first draft of an essay,’ are all complete sentences because they contain a subject and a verb, and they express a complete thought.

Tense: You need to ensure that the verb tense you use is kept consistent if the time frame is the same. Only shift the verb tense if there is a shift in the time frame e.g. 'The manager is from Melbourne but he worked in Sydney for many years.' I have highlighted an example of this in your writing.

**Please note that this feedback is not mine, I have used a feedback service to provide some for you :)
 

DrDawn

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Improvements

Texts demonstrate the idea that when an individual is set to a confined standard
(A comma should be used to show introductory words, phrases and clauses in a sentence. The highlighted text can be separated from the rest of the sentence) the erratic and inconsistent behaviour within us prevails. Hence our chaotic nature and unpredictability allows us to differentiate between one another and is what defines a human experience. Every individual is unique through one’s history of experiences and emotions they have gathered over their lifetime, this (This is a comma splice error. Use a semicolon, a coordinating conjunction after the comma, or end the sentence here and start a new sentence) allows coherence within a set group. Along with our differences our shared experiences is what allows us to bond with one another. Texts such as 1984 by Geroge Orwell illustrates that by overcoming obstacles set in a totalitarian society, people gain the experience of individualism. In our human nature we have the desire to experience certain emotions and actions, such as to love, to argue and to rebel. While considered normal here it is a heinous crime in 1984 (The verb tense is not consistent with the rest of the sentence). Winston does this through love of one another, the rise and downfall of the human spirit and rebellious acts. Through this (A comma should be used to show introductory words, phrases and clauses in a sentence). Winston becomes an inconsistency and anomaly in Oceania. Orwell implies the need for rebellious actions and will power against authority in order to preserve our identity, an idea which has transcended in today’s time. Therefore, texts showcase both a collective and individual experience through becoming an inconsistency in an ordered society (Your introduction should contain a clear thesis that states your argument. Please refer to notes in the Feedback Summary).

Winston’s lack of affection with others has resulted in a lonely man, and (Try and avoid the use of unnecessary words as it leads to wordiness and poor readability. This word is unnecessary because the following phrase is continuing from the introductory phrase after the comma) unable to see the potential of human connection, thus (This is a comma splice error. Use a semicolon, a coordinating conjunction after the comma, or end the sentence here and start a new sentence) when he does experience love his persona has evolved. To love someone or to feel loved is a human need, as it is a foundation of growth (This is a sentence fragment which is an incomplete sentence). Initially Winston feels no connection with his first marriage and is in a sense of dilemma. A relationship described as a “Duty to the party" (This is a sentence fragment which is an incomplete sentence). This perspective depicts no affection in the relationship, fundamental to a successful marriage and only creates a miserable man. Winston’s attitude develops through his first interaction with Julia whom he despises at first, but opposingly he still wants to have a sexual relationship with her. Hence Winston’s character is a paradox as he acts with two opposing factors. Winstons starts his affair with Julia and this leads to a relationship of affection “Winston felt a deep tenderness. He wished they were a married couple of 10 years...He wished they were walking through the streets with her...openly and without fear.” The repetition of what Winston hoped for in the future demonstrates something he longs for yet is unattainable. Starting this relationship had led Winston to have a new experience and hence undergo emotions that he hadn’t (To maintain an academic tone, do not use contractions) before. The journey from his first relationship to Julia had allowed him to overcome loneliness and gain new insight into the need for human companionship. Therefore, Winston becomes an inconsistency from the citizens in Oceania as he realises the need for human connection. His hatred for conformity allowed him to breakthrough and see a different perspective allowing him to liberate himself and see the world differently. Therefore, when an individual is set into a confirmed state as a human we oppose this ideology due to our human needs to feel love, just like Winston did.

Through overcoming obstacles and challenging the repressive regime (This is an example of a comma that has been used appropriately to show the introductory phrase), individuals have the ability to preserve their identity by rebelling against authority. Winston is living under the party where every act and thought is carefully monitored. His sense of privacy and individuality is restricted as he lives in a strict autocratic system. Orwell’s extended motif of surveillance where “every moment is scrutinised” demonstrates the deeply controlled society with a lack of freedom of identity can essentially cause one to lose who they are as a person. Unlike the rest, Winston has a strong hatred for conformity and begins his trajectory of rebellion. Winston rebels to preserve his identity and to become an anomaly in society. He challenges oppression through acts such as secretly writing in his diary. But it seems that Winston is aware that eventually there will be consequences for his actions. Once again Winstons (You will need to use an apostrophe to indicate ownership here) is a paradox as he knows his rebellious actions will have consequences yet he still pursues them. Winston soon realises that a collective experience can overpower the individual and soon reaches a revolutionary paradox “Until they become conscious they will never rebel, and until after they have rebelled they cannot become conscious.” He comes to a realisation that if only the proles rebelled against the party could they ever overthrow them, but since the proles are deeply brainwashed this isn’t possible. Hence (A comma should be used to show introductory words, phrases and clauses in a sentence). Winston’s revolutionary understanding has caused him to be an anomaly in society. Yet he pursues through with his rebellion as it only makes him feel more empowered. Winston would repeatedly remind himself that “2+2=4,” in order to be self aware of his beliefs and ideologies without the interference of the party. Later on when he is getting tortured the power of the collective which is of the party has broken him down as “2 + 2=5” is reinforced. This oxymoron illustrates how the party is powerful enough to convince people the inherent false statements and abandon all logic. Ultimately the power of the collective wins over the individual and Winston’s rebellious journey has concluded. Orwell discusses the need for rebellion against abuse of power and control, instructing readers contextually “become conscious of their own strength.” as readers are reminded of the power they hold over rebelling against their authority together as one. Through Winston’s example we understand that the collaborative power of a group can overthrow an individual strength. Orwell demonstrates that experiences of dejections and limitations can cause rebellion to arise of an individual.
 

DrDawn

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The human spirit is within each individual and comes out to give us strength and courage to face difficult situations (This is a clear topic sentence). How each human spirit reacts will be different for each individual as we all have different characteristics and will power. The human spirit can either prevail or be broken. During the beginning of the book Winston’s human spirit was prevailing as he had the courage to take risks while knowing there were dangerous consequences from doing so. Winston’s daring and confident tone “We (Julia and Winston) are enemies of the party...we disbelieve in the principles of Ingsoc.” This anaphorically reveals his strong frustration and opposition against the party that is shared with Julia. A common and collective experience between the two (This is a sentence fragment which is an incomplete sentence). He was continuously growing until he was caught for being in a relationship with Julia. Once captured he is tortured using his worst fear of rats and in desperation calls out “Do it to Julia...not me...Julia.” His distress and agony signifies how his human spirit has broken down to nothing. Winston is no longer an anomaly nor is different from the rest of the members of the party. As now he is brainwashed and manipulated to believing the lies of the party, he has lost his sense to think for himself and believe the truth. Ultimately Winston loses all affection he had for Julia as he is now devoted to Big Brother “I love Big Brother. “ Winston has lost himself and his trajectory of rebellion has come to an end. Therefore when Winston’s human spirit was prevailing he had the ability to see the world for what it truly was as well as to think individually. The human spirit is a sense of strength, courage and motivation that individuals face.

George Orwell’s 1984 analyses Winston’s path of attaining a human experience (This is a clear topic sentence). Living in an oppressed and totalitarian society Winstons is singled out with the rest of his society. Winstons becomes an anomaly and inconsistency of society as he is differentiated from the rest of his members through his thoughts, actions and needs. 1984 discusses Winston’s need for life, rebellious journey and the human spirit all which contribute to Winston’s ability to reach a human experience. Ultimately Orwell amplifies an universal need for collective resistance against dictatorship and totalitarianism. Orwell’s ideas transcend in today’s time as he highlights the need to rebel against authority as it is what makes it singular and differentiable in a society. Whether the outcome is successful or not is not the point, but rather the conscious power and understanding of one’s strength collectively utilised can have compelling denouements (You will need to revise your use of punctuation within this sentence, in order to make it a complete sentence. Remember that sentences must end with full stops) Once humans become aware of their potential, they have the strength to break out of the bounds of control.

**Please note that this feedback is not mine, I have used a feedback service to provide some for you :)
 

Velocifire

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I was thinking it was your own feedback? You gave more feedback and ways to improve to this lady than my teachers in 11 years. So detailed! What is the name of the feedback service?

So where's the feedback I'm supposed to get for purchasing the 5l Chocolate Ice Cream Bucket? Should I go to IGA next time?
 

jenii14

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The human spirit is within each individual and comes out to give us strength and courage to face difficult situations (This is a clear topic sentence). How each human spirit reacts will be different for each individual as we all have different characteristics and will power. The human spirit can either prevail or be broken. During the beginning of the book Winston’s human spirit was prevailing as he had the courage to take risks while knowing there were dangerous consequences from doing so. Winston’s daring and confident tone “We (Julia and Winston) are enemies of the party...we disbelieve in the principles of Ingsoc.” This anaphorically reveals his strong frustration and opposition against the party that is shared with Julia. A common and collective experience between the two (This is a sentence fragment which is an incomplete sentence). He was continuously growing until he was caught for being in a relationship with Julia. Once captured he is tortured using his worst fear of rats and in desperation calls out “Do it to Julia...not me...Julia.” His distress and agony signifies how his human spirit has broken down to nothing. Winston is no longer an anomaly nor is different from the rest of the members of the party. As now he is brainwashed and manipulated to believing the lies of the party, he has lost his sense to think for himself and believe the truth. Ultimately Winston loses all affection he had for Julia as he is now devoted to Big Brother “I love Big Brother. “ Winston has lost himself and his trajectory of rebellion has come to an end. Therefore when Winston’s human spirit was prevailing he had the ability to see the world for what it truly was as well as to think individually. The human spirit is a sense of strength, courage and motivation that individuals face.

George Orwell’s 1984 analyses Winston’s path of attaining a human experience (This is a clear topic sentence). Living in an oppressed and totalitarian society Winstons is singled out with the rest of his society. Winstons becomes an anomaly and inconsistency of society as he is differentiated from the rest of his members through his thoughts, actions and needs. 1984 discusses Winston’s need for life, rebellious journey and the human spirit all which contribute to Winston’s ability to reach a human experience. Ultimately Orwell amplifies an universal need for collective resistance against dictatorship and totalitarianism. Orwell’s ideas transcend in today’s time as he highlights the need to rebel against authority as it is what makes it singular and differentiable in a society. Whether the outcome is successful or not is not the point, but rather the conscious power and understanding of one’s strength collectively utilised can have compelling denouements (You will need to revise your use of punctuation within this sentence, in order to make it a complete sentence. Remember that sentences must end with full stops) Once humans become aware of their potential, they have the strength to break out of the bounds of control.

**Please note that this feedback is not mine, I have used a feedback service to provide some for you :)
Holy crap this is much help! wooowwwwww. You don't understand how helpful this is thank you!!!
 

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