Help Plz, what else are they looking for in essays? (1 Viewer)

[Halfasian89]

Hiya, i was wondering what else are markers looking for essays for english. I got got 16/20 for this effort but I am confused in what else i could be doing to improve my marks.

Btw im doing standard english for the HSC after dropping from Adv. in Prelim., and i seem to enjoy it better. But im confused in respect to how i could improve, for my teacher is fairly vague with the feedback. She says that i need more flow, but i have no idea how i could do that just as it is. So im looking for more precise feedback if you could. So any suggestions?

 

[Rafy]

Hmm having just read the first paragraph, i would say that you need to refine the style of writing to allow it to flow better. To me it was a series of disjointed sentences, that made it difficult to absorb what you were trying to say...

 

[Halfasian89]

I see where you're coming from, i just need a bit of direction. Would it just be a matter of using appropriate linking words, and if so, could you give example?
This is open to anyone who could help.

 

[Sparcod]

Yeh its best for you to show links between the two or more texts.
And most importantly, answer the question thoroughly and use paragraphs.

 

[Riviet]

Provided this fact, it would be clear to deduce that parallel to the physical journey there is the existence of the spiritual journey

Never deduce anything in an introduction, you are supposed to outline what you are about to say, you should put this sentence at the end in the conclusion. Also it is not clear YET about the point you made, you should state this at the end of your paragraph, as you haven't got any evidence yet to show, and you do all of this in the main body anyway.

Link more, but DON'T use linking words like "in addition" which make it sound forced. Link your points together instead e.g "A perilous journey is also portrayed in this text".

 

[pLuvia]

Skrzynecki exhibits these feelings using effective imagery throughout the poem

When you say the composer uses images, actually use quotes from the poem, i.e. blood leaves.... on stones or rusted iron"

Also, you are only analysing not refering back to the purpose of the essay, "the effectiveness of techniques to portray the meaning of journey"

The simile reinforces how frequently the immigrants had to settle in an unfamiliar atmosphere and environment,

Also here, no point in just saying there is a simile actually list it

In my opinion your introduction is way too long, and your actual text analysis isn't too much, so try to reduce your introduction length

It is beyond question to deny that the texts explored have not delivered a sustainable representation of the impact of the physical journey upon the human soul.

This sentence is too strong, your saying that the texts have protrayed journey's impact to the human being. It is just better to say

"The texts explored have delivered a sustainable representation of the impact of the physical journey upon the human soul."

The other things are fine Good luck

 

[Halfasian89]

Sincere Thanks

Well thanks everyone with the constructive feedback, i really appreciate it! Hopefully I can start really improving with my marks. I seriously thank everyone who took the time to help me!

 

[Sparcod]

Good luck.
Its good to see you editting. That's how you see the mistakes.

 

[pLuvia]

Exactly good work mate

 

[vanush]

read my first paragraph, and see if my "style" is ok

Cloudstreet makes it easy to see where Tim Winton’s allegiances lie. It’s a fierce exploration of those childhood obsessions that we had; dispelled in adult life, but which remain with Tim Winton that makes this novel an intriguing novel worth critical study: it’s his river, his family, his house and the on-goings of the outside world that fascinate Winton, so much so that Cloudstreet, called ‘a celebration of life’ is exactly that – the simple account of two post-war families, ‘battlers’ – and the struggles they face is delivered in a way that depicts the extraordinary in peoples everyday mannerisms. Winton employs the supernatural, the surreal and the concept of life-after-death to detail twenty years of post-war Australia and raise questions about life which still challenge responders today.

 

[Riviet]

read my first paragraph, and see if my "style" is ok

Cloudstreet makes it easy to see where Tim Winton’s allegiances lie. It’s a fierce exploration of those childhood obsessions that we had; dispelled in adult life, but which remain with Tim Winton that makes this novel an intriguing novel worth critical study: it’s his river, his family, his house and the on-goings of the outside world that fascinate Winton, so much so that Cloudstreet, called ‘a celebration of life’ is exactly that – the simple account of two post-war families, ‘battlers’ – and the struggles they face is delivered in a way that depicts the extraordinary in peoples everyday mannerisms. Winton employs the supernatural, the surreal and the concept of life-after-death to detail twenty years of post-war Australia and raise questions about life which still challenge responders today.

Don't use "it's", instead be more specific and refer to the subject matter. The middle sentence is way too long with the hyphens and commas, try and break into at least two sentences. When you refer to a technique in the last sentence, if possible, include an example of a quote to prove your point.

You should try and reorder your essay so that you have a topic sentence that states your point, then mention your technique and include evidence, and explore the effect of this technique. Try to answer the question (whatever it is) too and conclude your paragraph with something similar to the topic sentence, but don't use the same words.

 

[lilkiwifruit]

im not much of an english expert and i think that it is wonderful that u guys are editing essays for other people...but i think pluvia's comment's about introduction lengths are a bit misleading..whats wrong with a long intro? as long as you can get all your info down in 40 mins ...
People often neglect the importance of the intro but isn't that the first thing the examiner would read?

 

[Riviet]

im not much of an english expert and i think that it is wonderful that u guys are editing essays for other people...but i think pluvia's comment's about introduction lengths are a bit misleading..whats wrong with a long intro? as long as you can get all your info down in 40 mins ...
People often neglect the importance of the intro but isn't that the first thing the examiner would read?

You shouldn't get into too much detail in the intro because the main body is where all your detail is expressed. The intro is a brief outline of what you're going to discuss and convey in the main body. Similarly the conclusion does not need to be long, as you are summing up what you mentioned in the main body.

 

[pritnep]

Right again at least I think so Riviet. In the intro you always want to draw the examiner in not give the all your points of argument in a great amount of detail. Of course it has to be of a considerable size but there is no need to make it long as what follows should make up your main points which should be long.

So below, vanush was your introduction. I think that you need to introduce the question some how and what you are debating or trying to prove. Also formally introduce the text with the author who I assume is Tim Winton but when it was written, from where and its context.

 

[lilkiwifruit]

You shouldn't get into too much detail in the intro because the main body is where all your detail is expressed. The intro is a brief outline of what you're going to discuss and convey in the main body. Similarly the conclusion does not need to be long, as you are summing up what you mentioned in the main body.

I know .. but i'm just trying to remind people that the intro and conclusion is very important because it is the first and last impression the examiner would get..
Often people are too brief in the intro and it stuffs up the quality of the essay
I've seen essays where people write crappy brief intros and an impressive main body and can't comprehend why the teacher gave them such a low mark..

 

[hopeles5ly]

I know .. but i'm just trying to remind people that the intro and conclusion is very important because it is the first and last impression the examiner would get..
Often people are too brief in the intro and it stuffs up the quality of the essay
I've seen essays where people write crappy brief intros and an impressive main body and can't comprehend why the teacher gave them such a low mark..

my teacher said that when marking hsc essays, markers look at the intro and conclusion. then they look at the body to see if your able to sustain your point of view.

 

[l-mercedes-l]

read my first paragraph, and see if my "style" is ok

Cloudstreet makes it easy to see where Tim Winton’s allegiances lie. It’s a fierce exploration of those childhood obsessions that we had; dispelled in adult life, but which remain with Tim Winton that makes this novel an intriguing novel worth critical study: it’s his river, his family, his house and the on-goings of the outside world that fascinate Winton, so much so that Cloudstreet, called ‘a celebration of life’ is exactly that – the simple account of two post-war families, ‘battlers’ – and the struggles they face is delivered in a way that depicts the extraordinary in peoples everyday mannerisms. Winton employs the supernatural, the surreal and the concept of life-after-death to detail twenty years of post-war Australia and raise questions about life which still challenge responders today.

i hope that you really wanted criticism and help. but this is about improvement right? and theres plenty of time left to improve.

Start with something like 'Cloudstreet by Tim winton is a poignant and moving exploration of ... . Winton is intrigued and fascinated by the mundane goings on in Cloudstreet which are both familiar and endearing to an everyday audience, therefore giving the novel timeless appeal.'

please dont think that that is the only way to write an intro. i just felt that the one you posted was too heavy. the intro of your essay needs to encapsulate your key idea. For example IF you were going to argue that 'Dirt music continues to challenge readers' hence what your arguing is its timelessness and your intro correctly identifies that and gives some direction but personally id pounce on it even earlier. in this case your first sentance may be 'Tim Winton's Cloudstreet is a beautiful exploration of the mundane, everyday occurances which gives it timeless appeal and relevence'

can you see how from the very first thing the marker/audience reads they are thinking, 'ok so cloudstreet is relevent and has continued value through time'

therefore all of you arguements must logically also be reaffirming your key arguement/thesis.

hope this has been helpful.

Mercedes

 

[mitsui]

my teacher said that when marking hsc essays, markers look at the intro and conclusion. then they look at the body to see if your able to sustain your point of view.

realli? wow. == probably becoz they r the onli bits we write juz for the question, rest (body) is juz memorising.haha

my idea of an intro and conclu is that, they r supose to b short sentences, straight to the pt (wat u think of the Q, wats ur texts and ur side of argument)

and they aren't suppose to be too polished up

r u meant to use a lots of big words and everything in an essay??

 

[Riviet]

Elevated language is nice, but don't repeat words like hence, hence, depict, depict.

 

[hopeles5ly]

yeah if you increase your vocabulary you might impress the marker lol