How much do you dream with your loved one about the future?! (2 Viewers)

[lengy]

Wedding talk. =\ Does anyone else find it slightly awkward to be discussing engagements and stuff or being in a conversation with others about this?

 

[Cykologi_gal]

...but marriage is different, you don't need a preview - you don't have to actually live together to know what a person is like, if you've got a good observation. You can usually tell what the person is like etc, through ordinary daily contact when you go out etc. I don't deny that this would take years, about 5 is reasonable.

To me, if you move in before you marry, wouldn't you lose the sense of 'freshness' and 'excitement' of marriage itself? Like, there's nothing new after you actually marry...even though you can say that "ahh everyday's Valentine's Day with him/her", there really wouldn't be anything new. Does anyone find that once you've achieved something, you're not THAT interested in it anymore? Well, with marriages that come without prior de facto relationships, divorce rates are high in itself; but then if you live together beforehand, one might not even reach the marriage stage if they're too 'meticulous' and it might even end 'cos one party is just too lazy, messy etc. That's only one aspect of it - sometimes preview can ruin the main meal itself.

There are studies done showing that it can actually do more harm than good, but then, everyone's different, choices make who we are, after all.

 

[alby]

not really, but i guess it depends on the person..and how comfy they are in their relationship/how stable their relationship is

 

[hiphophooray123]

Ok now that someone else has posted, you can rabble on about how you feel about your wonderful boyfriend, cos we're all just dying to know (again).

um weren't YOU like that when you had the 'dreamerish' account?

 

[Frigid]

I always thought about it, but plans change, people change, desires change. What you want, what you need, what's real and within grasp and what's just a dream.

fuckin' oath steve, very true. i fully agree.

 

[AlleyCat]

To me, if you move in before you marry, wouldn't you lose the sense of 'freshness' and 'excitement' of marriage itself? Like, there's nothing new after you actually marry...even though you can say that "ahh everyday's Valentine's Day with him/her", there really wouldn't be anything new. Does anyone find that once you've achieved something, you're not THAT interested in it anymore? Well, with marriages that come without prior de facto relationships, divorce rates are high in itself; but then if you live together beforehand, one might not even reach the marriage stage if they're too 'meticulous' and it might even end 'cos one party is just too lazy, messy etc. That's only one aspect of it - sometimes preview can ruin the main meal itself.

If you think that waiting a few years to keep it "fresh" will extend your marriage, it may. But if the only thing keeping your marriage alive is finding out that he eats honey on his cornflakes, then I wish you well.

 

[*hopeful*]

...but marriage is different, you don't need a preview - you don't have to actually live together to know what a person is like, if you've got a good observation. You can usually tell what the person is like etc, through ordinary daily contact when you go out etc. I don't deny that this would take years, about 5 is reasonable.

To me, if you move in before you marry, wouldn't you lose the sense of 'freshness' and 'excitement' of marriage itself? Like, there's nothing new after you actually marry...even though you can say that "ahh everyday's Valentine's Day with him/her", there really wouldn't be anything new. Does anyone find that once you've achieved something, you're not THAT interested in it anymore? Well, with marriages that come without prior de facto relationships, divorce rates are high in itself; but then if you live together beforehand, one might not even reach the marriage stage if they're too 'meticulous' and it might even end 'cos one party is just too lazy, messy etc. That's only one aspect of it - sometimes preview can ruin the main meal itself.

There are studies done showing that it can actually do more harm than good, but then, everyone's different, choices make who we are, after all.

i can sorta see your point, that living together for ages and getting married means nothing much changes but i personally would love to live together and then get married....some people change for the worse afterwards so it'd be good to get a heads up

 

[Cykologi_gal]

Yeah, I understand that. Do you see de facto living together and actual marriage living together differently?! Or is de facto a reliable 'test' for later on lol?! Oh wells, I personally love change, for the better of course, but then again, other people might fancy 'used-to-ness'. All good

 

[iambored]

edit

 

[dagwoman]

...but marriage is different, you don't need a preview - you don't have to actually live together to know what a person is like, if you've got a good observation. You can usually tell what the person is like etc, through ordinary daily contact when you go out etc. I don't deny that this would take years, about 5 is reasonable.

To me, if you move in before you marry, wouldn't you lose the sense of 'freshness' and 'excitement' of marriage itself? Like, there's nothing new after you actually marry...even though you can say that "ahh everyday's Valentine's Day with him/her", there really wouldn't be anything new. Does anyone find that once you've achieved something, you're not THAT interested in it anymore? Well, with marriages that come without prior de facto relationships, divorce rates are high in itself; but then if you live together beforehand, one might not even reach the marriage stage if they're too 'meticulous' and it might even end 'cos one party is just too lazy, messy etc. That's only one aspect of it - sometimes preview can ruin the main meal itself.

There are studies done showing that it can actually do more harm than good, but then, everyone's different, choices make who we are, after all.

The dynamic of a relationship changes entirely when the two of you are living in the same space, having to negotiate each other's needs and living habits at all times.

If someone needs to hold out on living with their partner in order to keep the "newness" alive, it's a bloody shallow relationship, that won't go too far when there are real issues to address. Relationships aren't just about the initial stages of "excitement", nor should they be.

What studies are those?

 

[Cykologi_gal]

I've been brought up thinking that marriage = new life, new beginning with another person etc (the excitement comes and goes, no issues there) so the notion of pre-marital cohabituation doesn't quite sit right at times lol, it's kind of like doing the appropriate things at the appropriate stage. Still, everyone can have different opinions, ideas, habits, behaviours...we all want the same end result anyway - something that lasts 50 odd years, it's no matter how we get there

I found these on Google - but then, they can be biased lol - I can't really remember the real, scientific studies, I've just been told again and again that I shouldn't do this lol. I'm not against people doing that, I don't think they're immoral, I don't discriminate against them...it's just useful to know what the consequences are, and not just follow our natural instincts.

http://marriage.rutgers.edu/Publications/SOOU/TEXTSOOU2004.htm

http://soc.enotes.com/sex-article/43429

http://www.smartmarriages.com/matchmaking.glenn.html

www.gospelpreceptor.com/HaleyR12.htm

http://www.freeessays.tv/d4030.htm

http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/857648

http://marriage.rutgers.edu/Publications/SourcesThings4Teens.htm

http://home.earthlink.net/~controversial1/

 

[Nakashima]

Yeah, I understand that. Do you see de facto living together and actual marriage living together differently?! Or is de facto a reliable 'test' for later on lol?! Oh wells, I personally love change, for the better of course, but then again, other people might fancy 'used-to-ness'. All good

Yeah but changes don't happen continuously. If you're so stubbornly idealistic you'll end up discontented and disappointed. Relationships are more than just the initial spark.

EDIT: Who, pray tell, reads those things?

 

[Cykologi_gal]

I'm not asking for advice, I'm interested in what others has to say on various issues, what their ideas are, how they approach them. I'd like to post threads which allow people think and discuss, as well as accept others' different thoughts. I don't need advice, I want opinions, no matter how contradicting, so that I can have first-hand info on what today's people are like (planning to prolly work with teenagers later). Besides, it's facinating really, all those different approaches to the issues, sometimes I'm just interested to see how wide the opinions can get, the whole spectrum, kind of like a survey thing.

 

[dagwoman]

Idiots who make redundant threads in the L&R forum of a student community asking strangers relationship advice which they should either:

a) know already intrinsically
or
b) work out for themselves.

QFT!

 

[grk_styl]

lol, the mere mention of marriage should scare most people

it scares me! people ask how my "husband" is, and that freaks me out.

But it's a tad ironic, seeing as though I can and often do think about being with my boyfriend for the rest of my life.

We don't exactly sit there and talk about it in full detail, but we do talk about waking up together and all that sort of mushy stuff. I have my wedding planned out specifically in my head. But I'm realistic at the same time...I don't know if I'll be with my boyfriend for the rest of my life. Stuff happens, people move on. That being said, I love him and I wanna be with him, but we're not going to start planning which day we're going to get married lol We're a bit young.

 

[Skeeta]

haha my boss does that too

she's always like...
"so hows your husband?"

i'm like erm.. yes my uh.. long term boyfriend is okay.

 

[AlleyCat]

If my boyfriend ever did ask me to marry him I'd probably laugh, because it's what we both say all the time.

"Oh, the rain's stopped. Let's get married."

"White looks good on you. Let's get married."

"I hate people that spit on sidewalks. Let's get married."

Sort of takes the shine off it.

 

[Jazz1989]

Is everytime really like the first time?! Can you still dream with the next guy after being hurt?!

of course you can still dream!!! Cause the Idiot that hurt you will have his soul perish to Satan for hurting someone who doesnt deserve it!!!!