How to Avoid Storytelling (1 Viewer)

[Web Addict]

Hi.
I received advice for my essays in Year 11 that mostly says that I should avoid storytelling, but I have no idea how to.
Can you help me fix this statement to avoid storytelling:
"The metaphor, ‘He walked back inside/ and slammed the door/ on my sporting childhood/ that disappeared into the bushes/ with my soccer ball’ in Billy’s flashback demonstrates the events that he went through during his childhood."
Do you also have any tips for me to use in order to avoid storytelling?
Thank you.

 

[planino]

Not an English expert myself, but just use carefully trimmed quotes to limit your storytelling I guess

 

[jnney]

You could elaborate on what sort of past the metaphor reflects

 

[Absolutezero]

So there's a few problems here:

1. You don't state what the metaphor is. You just say there is one. I'm not even sure if there is, and if there is, how it relates to demonstrating the childhood events.

2. The quote is too long, which makes the above confusing

3. Storytelling. Ok, so what you've done here is state that the quote tells us what happened in his children. In other words, your telling us the story of what happened in his childhood. That's not an analysis of the poem. An analysis pulls out the important themes. You've just told us what the poem tells us, not attached any meaning to what is being told.

 

[LoveHateSchool]

Hi.
I received advice for my essays in Year 11 that mostly says that I should avoid storytelling, but I have no idea how to.
Can you help me fix this statement to avoid storytelling:
"The metaphor, ‘He walked back inside/ and slammed the door/ on my sporting childhood/ that disappeared into the bushes/ with my soccer ball’ in Billy’s flashback demonstrates the events that he went through during his childhood."
Do you also have any tips for me to use in order to avoid storytelling?
Thank you.

You don't pick pick a technique to explain what happened in the novels. What is the EFFECT of the metaphor in relation to (assuming) belonging here? Also I'm not particularly sure what the metaphor is in your example. Also short snatches of texts are better than clunky quotes typically or "blah blah blah...blah blah blah blah".

So with your essays you have to assume that the marker knows what happens in your text. You don't have to fill that in. I don't care that Billy did this or this happened to Billy etc. (Is this Billy Elliott btw?) Essays, you are introducing themes, finding techniques to support insights NOT EVENTS and surmising what understanding has been developed from this.

There is no place for storytelling in essays-only in your intro may you introduce and briefly explain how it relates to belonging. You don't talk about the plot throughout.

So something like; "The metaphor "insert quote" is employed to employ the gravity of his childhood experiences in shaping his alienation.

See how you use (it's not the most eloquent example, don't know the text or where you are going) the technique to relate it to the module you are exploring (i.e belonging) instead of just finishing with something that happened.

 

[Web Addict]

My text is 'The Simple Gift.'
So what I've been doing for all my essays in Year 11 is wrong. Is it possible for you to give an example of what typical analysis should be like? (It doesn't matter what text it is for. I need an example of good analysis.)

 

[nifkeh]

I thought the simple gift was module C? not too sure as I haven't done it, but I've done dickinson (poems) for belonging

generally with poems, in relation to the concept you are studying, you make a point in relation to the question, explain it a little, chuck in an example quote from your text and explain how it relates to your point, you can't simply say that this metaphor demonstrates childhood if it really has nothing to do with the question,as you are explaining the metaphor's meaning and not what your opinion with the question is in relation to your poems. they call it storytelling as you are telling what the poem is about, but you aren't referring to the question.

 

[Absolutezero]

My text is 'The Simple Gift.'
So what I've been doing for all my essays in Year 11 is wrong. Is it possible for you to give an example of what typical analysis should be like? (It doesn't matter what text it is for. I need an example of good analysis.)

Read this essay guide:

http://community.boredofstudies.org/showthread.php?t=257183

It's amazing, and it's also got some great examples of analysis.

 

[elissajean]

"The metaphor, ‘He walked back inside/ and slammed the door/ on my sporting childhood/ that disappeared into the bushes/ with my soccer ball’ in Billy’s flashback demonstrates the events that he went through during his childhood."

1) The quote doesn't need to be that long 2) You need to explain the significance in relation to belonging. You have said that it 'demonstrates the events he went through...' - but what do these events tell us about belonging? How does his experience help us to develop a deeper understanding of the nature of belonging? When you answer these questions in an essay, you are analysing rather than storytelling.

'(Author name) uses the metaphor "slammed the door/ on my sporting childhood" to emphasise the impact of (what? family expectations? poor family relationships? abuse? The decisions others make? etc.) on an individual's sense of belonging/ability to belong. [Then elaborate on this and link back to your thesis]'

This is not an amazing sentence, obviously, as I don't know the question or the context in which it was written. However, it provides a basic structure that can be used to improve your writing. Basically, you need to relate everything you are writing about - every technique you mention - to explain/justify your overall argument about belonging. I'm an editor and HSC tutor and I can tell you this is a common problem. You just need to practice asking yourself the right questions. I run an editing and feedback service (and an online tutoring service) if you ever feel you need the extra help. I find it can really help people to get the hang of HSC English in the first couple of terms (though most of my students stay with me throughout their HSC year).

 

[funstudy]

1. Cut back on your quotes. No way you're going to memorise quotes that long in exams.

2. elaborate on your point and LINK BACK TO AREA OF STUDY. If this is belonging, then "the metaphor/symbolic representation demonstrates the events he revisited in his childhood, which brings him pained memories of the world to which he was once a part of".

 

[Web Addict]

Is this statement better:
"The extent of Billy’s childhood experiences in shaping his sense of not belonging is shown through the metaphor, “the wind and rain hits you in the face with the force of a father’s punch,” that contributes to the pathetic fallacy."
Am I still storytelling?

 

[Absolutezero]

It's not storytelling, but it doesn't make any sense.

 

[Absolutezero]

The extent of Billy’s childhood experiences in shaping his sense of not belonging is shown through the metaphor, “the wind and rain hits you in the face with the force of a father’s punch,” that contributes to the pathetic fallacy.

"Through the use of pathetic fallacy of "wind and rain" with the metaphoric strength of a "father's punch" reveal an unpleasant childhood for the Billy, and it is this unpleasant childhood that caused Billy to not belonging to his family."

In what I've written, I've indicated what the techniques are, how they are seen in the text, what they mean, and how they relate to belonging. It still needs work, but it should give you an idea.

 

[LoveHateSchool]

Is this statement better:
"The extent of Billy’s childhood experiences in shaping his sense of not belonging is shown through the metaphor, “the wind and rain hits you in the face with the force of a father’s punch,” that contributes to the pathetic fallacy."
Am I still storytelling?

It's not storytelling, but it sounds like you strung a sentence together without truly knowing the meaning of the words.
1) Avoid awkward expression where possible(this is an example of it)
2) If you want to use a word in English, check it's dictionary definition. I got called a little on it in yr 12 for not using some words in quite the right context, and it's not because I have a dodgy vocabulary or anything, you just gotta be pedantic and precise with the words you use in HSC English.
3) You don't need to bump threads that haven't even moved off the first page in a forum.

 

[Isobel B]

Use the composers name actively! That's what we have been taught all year!