Shadowdude
Cult of Personality
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2009
- Messages
- 12,146
- Gender
- Male
- HSC
- 2010
I thought I'd reproduce one of my old walls of text opining over a woman I no longer delight in, which is of course - written in the style of sinophile (though I contend I wrote like this before the name 'sinophile-esque' was likened to this).
But in memoriam Sinophile. May you return someday to delight us with your unique style of opining - of which I may have surpassed you in eloquence but definitely not in desperation...
Or of course may you return to tell us good news of a coup of a woman!
I wrote this in February. And looking back in hindsight... it's kinda sad.In one week and two days time, I will set forth at my university's O-Week. UNSW's O-Week is perhaps the nicest and most jam-packed with action and activities over its five days from February 21 to 25.
A quick glance at the timetable includes Movie Days in which Inception and other movies will be screened for free. There is a comedy night, even a band night where Kisschasy will be performing (I have no idea who they are). There'll be a dance party, and there'll be official student welcomes and faculty welcomes. There'll be times to join clubs, play putt putt golf, debate with people. There's even a session called "Prostitutes and Policy", to illustrate in part the sheer breadth of events. Juxtapose that with "Q&A: Is there a benefit to a Mining Tax?" to show the apparent academia which could be highlighted at this overall event.
One event at this O-Week is "Speed Dating" on February 24, from 2pm to 3pm. I have been involuntarily volunteered for this event - by a few friends (if they can be called those) or acquaintances (perhaps the better word to term them) on a student forum for students in my state. They will be accompanying me in person around O-Week, and the highlight of it all is me attending this Speed Dating event. The plan is to meet on Monday and familiarise ourselves with everyone, and then on Thursday - the main event.
The rewards could be enormous. A girlfriend, perhaps. A friend, another possibility too. Ice cream is the other bonus if I am successful.
But then again, the rewards could be non-existent and there would only be penalties. In this hour, I could perhaps ostracise myself from ever making another friend on campus if I was to majestically stuff up and gain the ire and stares from the others. In this hour, I could perhaps stuff up and gain a bad reputation from someone who could be the 'Queen Bee' and ruin everything.
Now for those of you who know me better, you know that I... well, have a very bad case of puppy love with a certain woman. She goes elsewhere, somewhere where I do not follow. And thought it emotionally and physically pains me to say it - I have to move on.
I don't know how I'll do it. I don't know when. It's going to be a slow, painful process - in which I will perhaps relapse many times to wanting to be back in her presence many times. It will take a change of mind, and a change of heart.
I try not to think of February 24 as the day in which I'll finally get a girlfriend. The last time I did that, nothing happened at all. But perhaps February 24 can be the day in which I move on. Where I move forward from perhaps a schoolboy crush to something more, if what I feel now can even be termed a 'schoolboy crush' or whatever the correct term is.
There comes a time when I have to stop believing in hypotheticals. Readers, be my witness when I say that I've pretty much posed many theroetical grand schemes to win the heart of this girl that I am passionate about (if you are speaking from my perspective), have a bad case of puppy love over (if you are speaking from perhaps the majority of readers), or am stalking (if you are speaking from an extremist point of view). And they can testify that I've gone to really extremely unlikely scenarios too.
My latest plan involves making a club whose purpose will be to introduce the concept of Jeopardy! to the general student populace. If it is successful there - I will pose the idea of a state-wide Jeopardy! competition akin to the American College Championship. And if it gets clearance, and the funding - our club can go around touring the state trying to find 15 or so university undergrads to play in our little game.
But the plan is, that when I see her - well, if I see her in attendance - at one of the qualifiers we'll have at many of the universities in the state, I can perhaps finally just talk to her for a bit. And ask her out.
I have devised perhaps twenty to thirty plans, all centred on a single focal point at the end where I am to "ask her out". I have a very deep belief that if I was able to see her again, I'd be able to win her. And then I'd be on my merry way, dating her and doing all that stuff that couples do (whatever that is nowadays) - which culminates in the second focal point: marriage.
Take away what that research says about marriage pledges and types of sexual activity which was brought to my attention. Take away whatever else from it all. The goal of this all is to fulfill this niggling thought in my mind. Put simply:
I want to know that in ten years time, I will wake up in the morning and know, with absolute certainty, that my soulmate, the woman of my dreams transposed into reality, my lover, my wife - will be on the other side of the bed.
It's not a bad thing to wish for. Certainly, with my past experiences with women I've liked - it's a dream that keeps fading. I can go into why it fades, but to pose an example: whoever I end up with will have to live with me considering strongly buying $30 WWE pay-per-views and watching them, waking up at 4:30am in the morning to watch UEFA Champions League matches or UEFA Europa Cup Matches, the condition not to be disturbed whenever I am watching Jeopardy! (as I'm playing along - which is usually weeknights 7pm - 7:30pm), to watch Eurovision with me and to wake up at ungodly hours in the morning to watch any other football match that I figure is worthy of watching (Asian Cup, World Cup, Primera Liga, etc.).
I suppose that most people would classify me at the very least, somewhat eccentric and weird. And I suppose the paragraph above can illustrate somewhat why this thing that most of us assume will happen may not be an absolute certainty.
Like, I hate it when parents say, "You know when you grow up and get married...". How do they know? They don't. I'm not even sure of it.
Thankfully, I've been able to make friends. Despite that described above, I had a cult following at my school of those who knew what Jeopardy! was and along with the few teachers who watched Eurovision, and of course my core group of about ten friends who were there for me no matter what.
As I step with uncertainty into the future, I'll have to make friends at university - new ones. New ones in my lectures, new ones in my tutorials. But those pale in comparison to personal fulfillment that I need.
I consider myself intelligent (doing the subjects I do, you kinda lump yourself into that category). I self taught myself some complex maths, with varying degrees of success (I concede - darn vectors...). People say you need to make friends so that homework can be easier and all that stuff about notes. Those "connections" I make in lectures and tutorials on the basis of university work will really not be that important.
Despite my culture frowning on what I desire, I'd really like to have a girlfriend. The culture I grow up in is strongly against me getting a girlfriend until I finish university. To quote the general view, "Women will flock to you after you get your degree and get a good job". I couldn't argue with my culture - it'd be blasphemous. But what would I get if I were to continue with this path? Gold diggers.
And then the girl I like comes along. In my experience, girls like S., get married pretty early. And what... was I to follow the advice I received and finish my degree and then wait for her to come to me? I refused that train of thought. She'd be married by then. But now I have to move on from her.
The point of personal fulfillment still stands though. For example, I picked up no less than six academic awards at my school last year. One of my other plans was for her to be in attendance and I could go up to her, awards in hand and talk to her... of course she wasn't there.
I remember feeling empty inside even though I held all these honours with me. How I would've traded all of those to have her on the seat next to mine!
I do not want to be some sort of academic robot that just focuses on schoolwork. I do not want to end up as a reclusive genius who churns out brilliant works of literature or works of mathematical significance. I repeat what I said above. In short, I just want to know someone there is appreciative of me.
I do not require my girlfriend to be proficient in... differential calculus or four dimensional spaces or algebraic topology. I do not require my girlfriend to be skilled in the English language to the point she knows complex words and speaks with eloquence as if she quotes Shakespeare each time she utters a phrase.
Though I concede to my hormonal desires and do require some specificity in what the girl will look like, though I am flexible on some things. You'll have no doubt have heard me say: "Brown hair, brown eyes, skin tone that juxtaposes well, rondelet-like figure..." many times, or at least parts of it or its variants.
Though more seriously, the key thing I'm looking for is acceptance of what I am. Having a girlfriend is not going to change my viewership of TV programs listed above - or anything. Well, that's what I envision it to be at least. The reality may be a bit different but the core of it is that I'll accept her, and she'll accept me. The concept of a soulmate is one I'm not too proficient in, but I figure that if I find it - we'll "click" (so to speak) automatically... but who knows.
Anyway, having her, S., is perhaps gone. It will certainly take a miracle for us to see together again, let alone end up together. Though know I still have plans to find her - though they mean converging on places where we have a strong likelihood of meeting.
But trying to win another woman is a chance I can take now - a window still open. Sure, I can opine over S. forever - but life isn't a fairytale. This isn't a work of Shakespeare where the honest unrequited love of Silvius will be rewarded with the woman of his dreams: Phoebe. This is real life, and I can't opine over her forever - or that window will shut.
I suppose, and I say this with some trepidation, that I have to play the hand I have instead of a hand I could have in future. The odds are stacked against me. I joke that I have a 0.0000000000000001% or lower chance of winning her - but in reality, that number is perhaps in the same order of magnitude as my real chance.
More optomistically, it will be great going to university. Clean slate, socially. I can finally play some sport (I was robbed of the opportunity to do that in my senior years). I can join some clubs, meet other likeminded people (hopefully!). I can write with freedom - I can contribute to the student newspaper and all that. I can roam around campus and take in this fabled "uni life".
And perhaps I can find the One I've been looking for.
It (that is, the speed dating) may not be the best place to look. But it's a start.
But in memoriam Sinophile. May you return someday to delight us with your unique style of opining - of which I may have surpassed you in eloquence but definitely not in desperation...
Or of course may you return to tell us good news of a coup of a woman!
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