mp3mojo
Member
- Joined
- Nov 10, 2002
- Messages
- 235
Here are some engineering jokes 
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Three engineers in a car
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work ?"
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An engineer.. by mistake
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next! God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there; send him back up here!"
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God replies "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
You Might be an Engineer if...
.. you can do vector calculus in your head, but you forgot how to do long division.
.. you consider a databook "good reading" when you're on the toilet.
.. the first thing you do with anything new is take it apart to see how it works.
.. the last time you moved, you needed two dumpsters to haul off the scrap electrical parts from your work room.
.. you not only know what a left-handed constabulator is, but you designed one once, for fun.
.. you paid more for math and science books during college than most people pay for tuition.
Excuses
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend one's time with a wife or mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed spending time with his mistress, because of the passion and the mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" the others asked.
"Yeah," said the engineer. "If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you're spending time with the other, and you can go the lab and get some work done."
Engineers Are Problem Solvers
It is the time of French Revolution and the guillotine was hard at work everyday. Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine.
They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says: "Hey, I see what your problem is."
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Engineer Identification Test
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.
THE ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...
1. Straighten it.
2. Ignore it. The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends." in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."
SOCIAL SKILLS - Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction: stimulating and thought-provoking conversation, important social contacts, or a feeling of connectedness with other humans. In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions: get it over with as soon as possible, avoid getting invited to something unpleasant,and demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
GADGET FASCINATION - To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: things that need to be fixed, or things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimised and feature-poor toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE - Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no private parts are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE - Dating is never easy for engineers. A "normal" person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. By definition, engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognised as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house.
HONESTY - Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them.
An incomplete list of engineer lies is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your expensive and hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three engineers in a car
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work ?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An engineer.. by mistake
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next! God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there; send him back up here!"
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God replies "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
You Might be an Engineer if...
.. you can do vector calculus in your head, but you forgot how to do long division.
.. you consider a databook "good reading" when you're on the toilet.
.. the first thing you do with anything new is take it apart to see how it works.
.. the last time you moved, you needed two dumpsters to haul off the scrap electrical parts from your work room.
.. you not only know what a left-handed constabulator is, but you designed one once, for fun.
.. you paid more for math and science books during college than most people pay for tuition.
Excuses
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend one's time with a wife or mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed spending time with his mistress, because of the passion and the mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" the others asked.
"Yeah," said the engineer. "If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you're spending time with the other, and you can go the lab and get some work done."
Engineers Are Problem Solvers
It is the time of French Revolution and the guillotine was hard at work everyday. Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine.
They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says: "Hey, I see what your problem is."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Engineer Identification Test
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.
THE ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...
1. Straighten it.
2. Ignore it. The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends." in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."
SOCIAL SKILLS - Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction: stimulating and thought-provoking conversation, important social contacts, or a feeling of connectedness with other humans. In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions: get it over with as soon as possible, avoid getting invited to something unpleasant,and demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
GADGET FASCINATION - To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: things that need to be fixed, or things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimised and feature-poor toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE - Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no private parts are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE - Dating is never easy for engineers. A "normal" person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. By definition, engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognised as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house.
HONESTY - Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them.
An incomplete list of engineer lies is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your expensive and hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."
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