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Intro + Body 1 of an Essay - Need constructive criticism (1 Viewer)

Frostguard

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1. I get that you're trying to define human experiences, but try expressing it in a way that you don't use first person or second person language, word it in a way where you're describing it eg human experiences entail observations and reactions during specific events
2. Instead of saying depending on the situation being faced say something like, human experiences entail observations and reactions during specific events, dependant on the current situation where human experiences are different for anyone.
3. Again, you said ' you are able to to extract different information ' sorry if I'm dumb or something but is this a speech or something?? I was told not to use inclusive language in essays unless it's a speech eek
4. At the end of your introduction, it's good you're making a comparison, providing techniques and you're answering the question however, reword your last sentence, try to avoid using the same word ( you used migration twice in one sentence, either use a new word or just use it once (using it twice may look like to a marker that you don't have any other words eg say something like ' Peter S explores the process of migration, reflecting the experiences of those who have gone through these journeys in search of better opportunities or to escape dangerous situations.
5. You don't need to write his entire family, just say ' The S family was forced into embarking on a journey of migration, enduring instability (the rest of your sentence is good)
6. Good, you're addressing the poems and demonstrating the impacts of migration and you make comparisons. Omg you used instability again, showcase your vocabulary by using other words and not just instability eg insecurity, discrimination, hostility, eg there are tons of words out there to express the feelings that the S family was confronted with
7. The rest is good, however you don't have to have such short sentences, free up some full stops and unnecessary words eg within the poems ... this apparent where these two poems portray feelings of (insert synonym for instability), a common experience between migrants.
8. I'm not sure why you wrote ' by definition' because a definition of a bird does not mean freedom lol reword it so you say something like ' the recurring motif of bird is a representation of symbolism of freedom eg eg

Your writing isn't bad, just needs a couple of tweaks and if you keep providing more textual evidence as well as answer the question again and again, you should do well. Good Luck!!! (Also sorry if I sound kinda clueless, I haven't done Belonging since Y11 so it's hard for me to get into that mindset lol #Discovery all the way)
 

HypedUpCheese

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Hey, I appreciate the help. I definitely need to improve my vocabulary, it's fairly limited as of right now considering most of my reading is Reddit threads xD

Cheers.
 

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