is this thesis statement/contention okay for belonging? Help me!!! :) (1 Viewer)

[amyrowe]

This is my contention:
Belonging or not belonging can often be determined by an individual’s willingness to integrate the values of the group into their identity. Consequently, people may reject the dominant group in order to gain a fulfilling experience of belonging that is congruous with their personal values. However, the stricture of a society may make this option implausible, in which case individuals may suppress aspects of their identity and values for the purpose of belonging to the dominant group and society. In both cases, a sense of belonging can be forged through the relationships developed with other individuals who have similar values.

...my two related texts are "Hey Hey It's Esther Blueburger" and "Patterns" by Amy Lowell.

 

[NEVAGIVEUP]

This is my contention:
Belonging or not belonging can often be determined by an individual’s willingness to integrate the values of the group into their identity. Consequently, people may reject the dominant group in order to gain a fulfilling experience of belonging that is congruous with their personal values. However, the stricture of a society may make this option implausible, in which case individuals may suppress aspects of their identity and values for the purpose of belonging to the dominant group and society. In both cases, a sense of belonging can be forged through the relationships developed with other individuals who have similar values.

...my two related texts are "Hey Hey It's Esther Blueburger" and "Patterns" by Amy Lowell.

Hmm, it's a very coherent thesis statement I must say. However, remember that the thesis statement will continually be referred to throughout your essay, so therefore, many times it's just a statement that is the "body" of your essay; your main focus and so something more simpler will make a greater impact...I think.

 

[Tulii]

I agree with the above poster, if this is your thesis it needs to be more specific and concise.
You have like 4 different ideas on the concept, and it will be difficult to include in each topic sentence and link sentence. Markers wont understand what your trying to discuss about belonging.

You write really well, and you show your ideas of belonging in a sophisticated way but for a thesis statement it is too broad, I say take the first sentence

"Belonging or not belonging can often be determined by an individual’s willingness to integrate the values of the group into their identity"

You can use this and take on different perspectives, plus i will be easy to refer back to in topic sentences and such.


But thats just my advice, don't quote me!

Goodluck!

 

[Lex152]

Implausible is not the right word. I find it unclear.

Implausible:
having a quality that provokes disbelief; "gave the teacher an implausible excuse"
farfetched: highly imaginative but unlikely; "a farfetched excuse"; "an implausible explanation"

However I love the way you worked in the idea of identity.