My short story (1 Viewer)

lyounamu

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[FONT=바탕]
[FONT=바탕]Abruptly disrupted by the change in the lighting of a plane, I soon grabbed the sense of reality. It was then that I realised that seat belt took firm grasp of my upper body, refusing to release me. My eye quickly scanned the environment, and followed the awkward movement of people past my seat along the corridor as they staggered noisily to the toilets. Their verbal expression of discomfort echoed within my ear drum. In order to escape the chaotic traffic racket, I turned my head around to face the wall.
[FONT=바탕]Within seconds, I was looking out to the window that was putting up a vast picture of the Pacific Ocean that was vibrating with its blue colour, welcoming the dawn. Suddenly, I was accosted by the brown background standing bravely adjacent to the Ocean. I could not help myself being taken aback by this enormously hollow land that temporarily overwhelmed my view with its reflection of light. All I felt after that was a penetrating force that slowly burned my skin.[/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]Apart from this visual predicament, to my annoyance, my ear was immediately accommodated by the large influx of noise from the speaker, “Good morning passengers, the plane will be landing at Sydney Airport in 10 minutes. Until then, keep your seatbelt fastened and enjoy the view out there”. 10 minutes of extended scenery view unfortunately did not improve my condition of distress and the state of misery. [/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]Afterwards, plane slightly fixed its posture for the landing. Slightly alarmed, I made a firm grasp on my seat belt in the anticipation of its rough movement and potentially dangerous flight from my seat. While the plane was wheeling smoothly down the path, I let go of the belt, with the new sense of safety and affinity as I reach the ground. [/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]Motion rapidly mounted within the plane signalling the state of chaos that was about to emerge. There was little that I could do in the face of rising disorder except to escape as soon as the opportunity arose. Outside the plane in the airport, I breathed in the fresh air, predicting a great sense of freedom that was about to unfold. Following my brief indulgence in the state of euphoria, however, I came to realise that I was horribly wrong. This airport was another different place to what I originally imagined; this was merely a macrocosmic representation of the plane. [/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]Standing amid the dispersing crowd, I stood frozen in my summer clothes. I lamented on my lack of preparation for such natural misfortune. Holding winter apparel in one hand, I searched for the change room. While my brothers struggled to keep abreast of my walking pace, I had difficulty decoding innumerable combinations of alphabets on the signs. My poor English knowledge background didn’t provide much assistance in this endeavour. [/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]My long march soon ended up as a detour and still I was unable to spot any signs indicating the location of any bathroom. Desperate at last, I bravely stood steadfast in front of a bystander that was hurrying his way. “Perfect sentence” that I formed within my head didn’t come out very nicely; it was characterised by poor accent and punctuation, and pathetic grammar which confused and angered the man. Reluctantly, I let the busy guy pursue his own destination. [/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]In my second trial, I took a totally different approach by making a simple, short and strong emphasis on the noun “bathroom”. Despite the lack of any structure within my short “sentence”, my inquiry was successfully transmitted and responded by their body language. [/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]Chasing their point of direction, I reached the dead end, named “Toilet”. Enlightened by the stick figures in the sign that I was so used to seeing whenever I went to bathrooms, I took off the coat of doubt and entered the “Toilet”. In a moment, I was striding out underneath the new aegis of warmth. [/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]Later that day, I learnt that “toilet” is an alternative word for “bathroom” but it is more commonly used by British and Australians when they refer to public bathroom. I wasn’t completely sure why they would have two or more words for one single object. Doing that would just confuse people like me with poor English background. In addition, I certainly didn’t welcome the idea of learning English afresh in respect to Australian English on top of American English that I was more accustomed to. [/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]Back to the gathering place, we geared up to ensure that all our belongings could be wheeled intact. Started as a stream, we soon collected to be a pool of travellers fighting for the limited space in front of the visas check point. Certainly, this was a familiar sight of fellow immigrants who all possessed this mentality of confusion to some extent like us, struggling to take in the new surrounding that was fast sweeping across our mind. However, at the same time, it was easy to notice distinctive differences among great mix of people who came here from the every corner of the globe which counts to more than 200 countries in the world. As soon as we were given thumbs up for the entry, we headed towards the train station. It was there then we briefly embraced the moment to attend our physical exhaustion and assume our next journey. [/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]Noisily racing through the tunnel, the train stopped at the Central Station. Alighting from the train, we moved to our hotel that was about to accommodate us for the next 10 days. On the way, I came across quite fascinating features that dwelled on my mind. Such example was a traffic light with a button on it. I wasn’t quite sure what the button was for but guessed that it was there to activate the traffic light. [/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]While my parents handled the accommodation matter, I sat next to an old lady who was just putting on a final touch on the masterpiece that she was sewing. She took me by surprise when she unexpectedly cast an ambiguous question. Overwhelmed by the pressure to make a response, I again resorted to the usage of single word, “good” which seemed to be the most widely used word that could apply to any situation that had positive connotation. By an incredible coincidence, she was quite satisfied with my response even though I wish I knew what she really asked in the first place. [/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]While the hotel was taking care of our luggage matters, we paid our brief visits to the Opera House which was radiating an aura of greatness. Absorbed by its highly exotic and unique architecture, I could easily understand how this is the Aussie symbol of pride. Further sightseeing took us to various locations that intrigued our senses to extreme. En route to Hyde Park, Elizabeth St. appeared half dead from the closing of many stores at 6 PM which included one of the restaurant that we planned to go. This was a huge contrast to what I had back in my home country where the most stores could operate until 12 AM if not later. [/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]Finishing the day with a brief dinner at a food store that was only 10 minutes from closing its store, we left the store in dissatisfaction despite our visual fulfilment. Back in the hotel room, I sadly looked up the sky, the sky without the presence of the northern constellation.[/FONT][/FONT]
[/FONT][FONT=바탕]
[/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]Hey, guys. This is my short story about the concept of belonging and this basically outlines my experience when I first arrived in Australia. [/FONT]
[FONT=바탕]This is a DRAFT. I know how poor written this is (in terms of word chocie and etc.) [/FONT]
[FONT=바탕]I am not asking for a marking. I am only asking for you guys to have a read (if you can) and just underline or briefly tell me which part of the story sounds confusing to you (i.e. part that you find it hard to understand). [/FONT]
[FONT=바탕]Thanks guys for your support. [/FONT]
[FONT=바탕][/FONT]
[FONT=바탕][/FONT]
 

shady145

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this is good, i think so anyway.
making it better, i can't think of anything to do that.
it read nice and smooth.
 

dux&src

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i thought it was pretty good. but some of the words used..hmmm how do i put...a bit "mathsy" lol...but it was good.

EDIT: just read it all
good job.
it wasn't hard to understand.
 
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u-borat

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A few words don't quite fit.

eg:

Suddenly, I was accosted by the brown background standing bravely adjacent to the Ocean.

"bravely"?

Doesn't make sense literally or figuratively imo.



While the plane was wheeling smoothly down the path, I let go of the belt, with the new sense of safety and affinity as I reach the ground.

"affinity" here also doesn't really make sense.


You're also missing a few "a's" and "the's".
And you alternate between past and present tenses throughout your story.

And finally in regards to your toilet explanation halfway through your story, you make reference to the word 'toilet' in the first paragraph which is a tad disingenuous.

edit; Also needs a title. And I suspect that a lot of kids around the state will use a similar storyline so you might want to think about that.
 

clintmyster

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I agree with borat about using this whole "not belonging through race" concept being the centre of thousands of creatives this yr. I'd stay away from it. One thing though, I'm pretty sure you need to have some sort of clear-cut concept/message about belonging that you want your audience to take away. For example mine is more along the lines of, the choices we take shape who we are as individuals and where we truly belong. Then you get the feeling that there's several repercussions to attempting to attain belonging, i.e. abandoning one's own principles/morals, disconnection and fear of estrangement from family.

Even though your writing in first person, some of the language was a bit colloquial eg "aussie" "didn't". Make sure you change that. Just with the things that you think don't read well, ask yourself "why am I writing this, what its purpose, what am I actually trying to say?" That way at least you will know what doesn't read so well and also be able to cut down the story. 1200 words in 40 minutes added to a stimulus is a tough ask mate. I'd get this down more to 1000.

Hope that helps
 

kwabon

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mate i think, u shouldnt expand on the airport toilet bit, but include how u didnt noe anyone in australia, totally lost, write about how a a newly arrived migrant will feel. i am sorry but i thought the toilet bit was stupid (sorry again). make sentences that expresses ur feeling when u first arrived in sydney. describe the environment, and compare and contrast to place where u came from. describe the people in australia, were they friendly or were they mean to you.
and yeh as one of the posters said 'i had a mathsy feel', mate i noe u r really good at maths, but i would advise u not to incorporate maths into english.
yeh the language and diction was alright (for a draft that is) and yeh try removing some of those big words like 'macrocosmic' , lol i have no clue what that means, i used to write like that as well, but i often used to get a lot of marks deducted. make it simple.
and i thought the line, something like 'as the plane landed, i had sense of affinity and security' something like that, i thought that was wayyy to cheesy.

hope my advice helped.
 

bored of sc

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Abruptly disrupted by the change in the lighting of a plane, I soon grabbed a sense of reality. It was then that I realised the seat belt took firm grasp of my upper body, refusing to release me. My eye scanned the environment, and followed the movement of people past my seat along the corridor as they staggered to the toilets. Their groans of discomfort echoed within my ear drum. In order to escape the racket I turned my head around to face the wall.

[FONT=바탕]Within seconds, I was looking out the window portraying a vast picture of the Pacific Ocean vibrating in its blue colour, welcoming the dawn. Suddenly I was accosted by the brown background adjacent to the ocean. I could not help myself being taken aback by this hollow land that overwhelmed my view with its reflection of light. Now all I felt was a penetrating force that slowly burned my skin.[/FONT]


[FONT=바탕]Apart from this visual predicament, to my annoyance, my ear was immediately accommodated by the large influx of noise from the speaker. “Good morning passengers, the plane will be landing at Sydney Airport in 10 minutes. Until then, keep your seatbelt fastened and enjoy the view”. This enticing remark did not improve my condition of distress and state of misery. [/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]Ten minutes had passed and the plane fixed its posture for the landing. Slightly alarmed, I made a firm grasp on my seat belt in the anticipation of its rough movement and potentially dangerous flight from my seat. While the plane was wheeling smoothly down the path, I let go of the belt, with a new sense of safety as I reached the ground. [/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]Motion rapidly mounted within the plane signalling the state of chaos that was about to emerge. There was little that I could do in the face of rising disorder except to escape as soon as the opportunity arose. Outside the plane in the airport, I breathed in the fresh air, illuminating the great sense of freedom that was about to unfold. Following a state of euphoria, however, I came to realise that I was horribly wrong. This airport was different to what I originally imagined; this was merely a larger representation of the plane. [/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]Standing amid the dispersing crowd, I stood frozen in my summer clothes. I lamented on my lack of preparation for such misfortune. Holding winter apparel in one hand, I searched for the change room. While my brothers struggled to keep abreast of my walking pace, I had difficulty decoding the combinations of letters on the signs. My poor knowledge of the English language did not provide much assistance in this endeavour. [/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]My march soon ended up as a detour and still I was unable to spot any signs indicating the location of any bathroom. Desperate at last, I bravely stood steadfast in front of a bystander that was hurrying his way. “Perfect sentence” that I formed within my head did not come out very nicely; it was characterised by poor accent and punctuation, and pathetic grammar which confused and angered the man. Reluctantly, I let the busy guy pursue his own destination. [/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]In my second trial, I took a totally different approach by making a simple, short and strong emphasis on the noun “bathroom”. Despite the lack of any structure within my short “sentence”, my inquiry was successfully transmitted and responded by their body language. [/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]Following their point of direction, I reached the sign labelled “Toilet”. Enlightened by the stick figures in the sign that I was so used to seeing whenever I went to bathrooms, I took off the coat of doubt and entered the “Toilet”. In a moment, I was striding out underneath the new aegis of warmth. [/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]Later that day, I learnt that “toilet” is an alternative word for “bathroom” but it is more commonly used by British and Australians when they refer to public bathroom. I wasn’t completely sure why they would have two or more words for one single object. This only confused me as I had a poor English background. In addition, I certainly didn’t welcome the idea of learning English afresh in respect to Australian English on top of American English that I was more accustomed to. [/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]Back to the gathering place, we geared up to ensure that all our belongings could be wheeled intact. Started as a stream, we soon collected to be a pool of travellers fighting for the limited space in front of the visas check point. Certainly, this was a familiar sight of fellow immigrants who all possessed this mentality of confusion, struggling to take in the new surrounding that was fast sweeping across our minds. However, at the same time, it was easy to notice distinctive differences among great mix of people who came here from the every corner of the globe. As soon as we were given the thumbs up for entry, we headed towards the train station. It was there that we briefly embraced the moment to attend to our physical exhaustion and prepare for our next journey. [/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]Racing through the tunnel, the train stopped at Central Station. Alighting from the train, we moved to our hotel that was to accommodate us for the next 10 days. On the way, I came across quite fascinating features which remained in my mind. Such an example was a traffic light with a button on it. I wasn’t quite sure what the button was for but I guessed that it was there to activate the traffic light. [/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]While my parents handled the accommodation matter, I sat next to an old lady who was putting final touches onto the masterpiece she was sewing. She took me by surprise with an ambiguous question. Overwhelmed by the pressure to make a response, I again resorted to the usage of single word, “good” which seemed to be the most widely used word that could apply to any situation of a positive connotation. By an incredible coincidence, she was quite satisfied with my response even though I wish I knew what she really asked in the first place. [/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]While the hotel was taking care of our luggage, we paid our brief visits to the Opera House which was radiating an aura of greatness. Absorbed by its exotic and unique architecture, I could understand how this is the Aussie symbol of pride. Further sightseeing took us to various locations that intrigued our senses. Elizabeth St. appeared half dead from the closing of many stores at 6 PM which included one of the restaurants we planned to attend. This was a huge contrast to what was back in my home country where stores could operate until 12 AM, if not later. [/FONT]

[FONT=바탕]Finishing the day with a brief dinner at a food store only 10 minutes from closing, we left the store in dissatisfaction despite our underlying visual fulfilment. Back in the hotel room, I looked up to the sky; a sky without the presence of the northern constellation.[/FONT]


Nice piece of creative writing. I have given my thoughts throughout (in red) as well as taking out some bits which I thought were over-writing. I liked the motif of ten minutes and strong reflective element on cultural belonging/alienation. :)
 

lyounamu

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Thanks for advices.

But it will be more appreciated if you could just focus on pointing out my grammatical errors and etc which is what bored of sc and others did. (i.e. whether it makes sense or not)

Thanks everyone!!!
 

u-borat

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length is a good point, an ideal creative is 800-900; any longer and it will drag on.
 

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