Please critique King Lear essay! (1 Viewer)

hayabusaboston

Well-Known Member
Joined
Sep 26, 2011
Messages
2,387
Location
Calabi Yau Manifold
Gender
Male
HSC
2013
Essay Question: Leaders have often taken the time to manage key relationships, while still getting on with the job. Describe how this idea is explored in your class text as one other text of your choosing (Lord of the Rings)

Leadership, in essence, is a conceptual framework of understanding ascribed to the underlying notion of successful guidance of a group by one or more individuals. Socially speaking, the whole idea relies on and is fundamentally intertwined with successful relationships between a leader and his people. Thus derived is a suitable thesis, successful leadership comes down to an ability to maintain social aptness, avoid hegemony, and have determination to fulfil tasks for the benefit of the group. This framework of ideas is explored in varying intricacies in Shakespeare’s “King Lear” as well as J. R. Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy.
A starting point of analysis one may consider is given in the character of Edmund, the bastard son of the Earl of Gloucester in “King Lear”. Edmund is outlined to us as a character of bitter soul, who holds a high antipathy for society, for renouncing him over his brother Edgar, who stands to inherit the wealth of their father Gloucester, All due to Edmund’s bastard status. As he describes, “Thou nature art my goddess; to thy law my services are bound…Now gods, stand up for bastards!”, one is given the implication of a starting campaign of Edmund’s, in his quest for recognition against his censure by society.
He possesses an adamant approach to fulfilment of tasks, getting on with the job. After his harangue describing his feelings, he prepares to start collecting a portfolio of situations and social networks which serve to assist his own personal needs. Eventually, Edmund “receives” a letter from Edgar. His father eventually reads the letter, and is shocked by the contents. Edmund craftily created a scenario for the first follower to fall into his trap of sweet talk. As he then describes, “A credulous father and a brother noble, whose nature is so far from doing harms. That he suspects none …” one can see an almost virile tone of authority expressed in his speech.
Edmund’s meeting with Edgar, after Gloucester has read the letter, is another thematically driven situation. He tells Edgar with urgency that their father is angry with him, and instructs him to remain armed at all times, for if he is ever to run into their raging father, he shall meet trouble. “Bethink yourself, wherein you may have offended him… at this instant so rageth in him that the mischief of your person would scarcely allay” is told to Edgar, Edmund then says that Edgar must also go to his lodging and hide, “Pray ye, go, there’s my key. If you do stir abroad, go armed”. So one can observe another masterful trickery, Edgar is lead on by Edmund in a false string of assumptions.
On a similar tone yet radically different angle, Frodo from The Lord Of the Rings, employs a variety of techniques to acquire efficient leadership. He is described as a jovial little fellow, a hobbit who comes to be in possession of the one ring, the ruling ring of Middle Earth. His mission is to deliver the ring to Mount Doom and destroy it. To effectively do so, Frodo, as a small hobbit, takes on adverse conditions and sometimes intense cupidity, and go through many psychological, physical and emotional barriers, often with the caustic admonition of others tearing at his willpower, because of the ring he carries.
On the second postulate of the thesis, the tale elapses with a progressive dwindling of Company members, this is symbolic in its representation of the greater independence required of the leader, in the changing situations his group faces.
Frodo says to Sam, after escaping Boromir’s accost in the forest, “Go back, Sam, Im going to Mordor Alone.”, while Sam replies “I know, and I’m coming with you.” Frodo accepts this decision on Sam’s part, this leads to greater confidence for Frodo, and with this relationship solidified for the greatest part of the Journey, Frodo continues his quest.
After the acquaintance with Gollum, during one point of the Journey, Frodo asks why Sam keeps insulting Gollum. An altercation ensues. “You have no idea what it did to him, what it’s still doing to him. I want to help him, Sam.” Allows the reader to sympathise with Gollum, and suggests to us the caring nature of Frodo is imminent in his desire to help Gollum. After a brief aspersion to Sam’s comments on assisting him with the Ring, he also says “It’s my task! My own!” Thus he accomplishes the two conditions of the derived thesis, and in a very short period of time as well. He shows an ability to cope with the exigency of his task, and still manages to form a sympathetic relationship with Gollum, as well as a mostly sympathetic, but fluctuating one with Sam. This is an interesting case, where a small character by stature is shown to have the greatest power and influence, a unique countering to the common notion perceived by society, that a large stature and reputation is required to successfully lead a group of individuals.

In summation, the texts “King Lear” and “The Lord of the Rings” give not only a practical application of the leadership framework but a thematically new branch to explore and analyse. Overall, in Edmund’s context, the calumnious twist on the leadership framework in Edmund’s quests describes to us a unique take on what the real intentions of a leader can be. On the same note, Frodo, in the Lord of the Rings, endures a whole series of obstacles with the overarching kindness and sympathy of a great leader, yet firm in his desire to fulfil tasks.
 

Examine

same
Joined
Dec 14, 2011
Messages
2,376
Gender
Undisclosed
HSC
2013
Haven't fully read it but you do too much retelling.
 

hayabusaboston

Well-Known Member
Joined
Sep 26, 2011
Messages
2,387
Location
Calabi Yau Manifold
Gender
Male
HSC
2013
Essay Question: LEaders must often take the time to manage key relationships, while still getting on with the job. Describe how this idea is explored in the text (King Lear) and one other text of your choosing (Lord of the Rings.)


Leadership, in essence, is a conceptual framework of understanding ascribed to the underlying notion of successful guidance of a group by one or more individuals. Socially speaking, the whole idea relies on and is fundamentally intertwined with successful relationships between a leader and his people. Thus derived is a suitable thesis, successful leadership comes down to an ability to maintain social aptness, avoid hegemony, and have determination to fulfil tasks for the benefit of the group. This framework of ideas is explored in varying intricacies in Shakespeare’s “King Lear” as well as J. R. Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy.


A starting point of analysis one may consider is given in the character of Edmund, the bastard son of the Earl of Gloucester in “King Lear”. Edmund is outlined to us as a character of bitter soul, who holds a high antipathy for society, for renouncing him over his brother Edgar, who stands to inherit the wealth of their father Gloucester, All due to Edmund’s bastard status. As he describes, “Thou nature art my goddess; to thy law my services are bound…Now gods, stand up for bastards!”, one is given the implication of a starting campaign of Edmund’s, in his quest for recognition against his censure by society.
He possesses an adamant approach to fulfilment of tasks, getting on with the job. After his harangue describing his feelings, he prepares to start collecting a portfolio of situations and social networks which serve to assist his own personal needs. Eventually, Edmund “receives” a letter from Edgar. His father eventually reads the letter, and is shocked by the contents. Edmund craftily created a scenario for the first follower to fall into his trap of sweet talk. As he then describes, “A credulous father and a brother noble, whose nature is so far from doing harms. That he suspects none …” one can see an almost virile tone of authority expressed in his speech.


Edmund’s meeting with Edgar, after Gloucester has read the letter, is another thematically driven situation. He tells Edgar with urgency that their father is angry with him, and instructs him to remain armed at all times, for if he is ever to run into their raging father, he shall meet trouble. “Bethink yourself, wherein you may have offended him… at this instant so rageth in him that the mischief of your person would scarcely allay” is told to Edgar, Edmund then says that Edgar must also go to his lodging and hide, “Pray ye, go, there’s my key. If you do stir abroad, go armed”. So one can observe another masterful trickery, Edgar is lead on by Edmund in a false string of assumptions.


On a similar tone yet radically different angle, Frodo from The Lord Of the Rings, employs a variety of techniques to acquire efficient leadership. He is described as a jovial little fellow, a hobbit who comes to be in possession of the one ring, the ruling ring of Middle Earth. His mission is to deliver the ring to Mount Doom and destroy it. To effectively do so, Frodo, as a small hobbit, takes on adverse conditions and sometimes intense cupidity, and go through many psychological, physical and emotional barriers, often with the caustic admonition of others tearing at his willpower, because of the ring he carries.


On the second postulate of the thesis, the tale elapses with a progressive dwindling of Company members, this is symbolic in its representation of the greater independence required of the leader, in the changing situations his group faces.
Frodo says to Sam, after escaping Boromir’s accost in the forest, “Go back, Sam, Im going to Mordor Alone.”, while Sam replies “I know, and I’m coming with you.” Frodo accepts this decision on Sam’s part, this leads to greater confidence for Frodo, and with this relationship solidified for the greatest part of the Journey, Frodo continues his quest.


After the acquaintance with Gollum, during one point of the Journey, Frodo asks why Sam keeps insulting Gollum. An altercation ensues. “You have no idea what it did to him, what it’s still doing to him. I want to help him, Sam.” Allows the reader to sympathise with Gollum, and suggests to us the caring nature of Frodo is imminent in his desire to help Gollum. After a brief aspersion to Sam’s comments on assisting him with the Ring, he also says “It’s my task! My own!” Thus he accomplishes the two conditions of the derived thesis, and in a very short period of time as well. He shows an ability to cope with the exigency of his task, and still manages to form a sympathetic relationship with Gollum, as well as a mostly sympathetic, but fluctuating one with Sam. This is an interesting case, where a small character by stature is shown to have the greatest power and influence, a unique countering to the common notion perceived by society, that a large stature and reputation is required to successfully lead a group of individuals.


In summation, the texts “King Lear” and “The Lord of the Rings” give not only a practical application of the leadership framework but a thematically new branch to explore and analyse. Overall, in Edmund’s context, the calumnious twist on the leadership framework in Edmund’s quests describes to us a unique take on what the real intentions of a leader can be. On the same note, Frodo, in the Lord of the Rings, endures a whole series of obstacles with the overarching kindness and sympathy of a great leader, yet firm in his desire to fulfil tasks.
 

Timske

Sequential
Joined
Nov 23, 2011
Messages
794
Gender
Male
HSC
2012
Uni Grad
2016
This is a C response. Too much storytelling.

Structure of your paragraph should be like this;
Topic sentence -> quote -> technique -> technical analysis -> link back to thesis and question


"On a similar tone yet radically different angle, Frodo from The Lord Of the Rings, employs a variety of techniques to acquire efficient leadership. He is described as a jovial little fellow, a hobbit who comes to be in possession of the one ring, the ruling ring of Middle Earth. His mission is to deliver the ring to Mount Doom and destroy it. To effectively do so, Frodo, as a small hobbit, takes on adverse conditions and sometimes intense cupidity, and go through many psychological, physical and emotional barriers, often with the caustic admonition of others tearing at his willpower, because of the ring he carries."










 
Last edited:

Examine

same
Joined
Dec 14, 2011
Messages
2,376
Gender
Undisclosed
HSC
2013
I'll tell you this once and once only. Big words do not mean shit if you do not have big ideas in your essay.
 

Absolutezero

real human bean
Joined
Nov 17, 2007
Messages
15,077
Gender
Male
HSC
N/A
Some general notes:

Far too verbose. Your expression becomes unclear because the language your using is either poorly applied or incorrect

You have failed to mention the text type

The examination of both texts contains too much retelling

Each paragraph needs to be a sub-thesis of your main argument. Your structure does not give clarity to points.

You don't link your examples to your main and sub-theses enough. This needs to be totally clear for a marker.

Your examples need to be analysed using techniques, not just through the content of what is said

By analysing one text, then the other, there are little links drawn between your two texts. The more integrated Text 1, Text 2, Text 1, Text 2 etc. approach would suit you better

You keep referring to 'your thesis' using metalanguage. Don't. Actually write how the sub-ideas affect the main idea


There's more that could be said, but that should get you started.
 

SanjoyM

Member
Joined
Apr 7, 2011
Messages
691
Gender
Male
HSC
2012
Essay Question: LEaders must often take the time to manage key relationships, while still getting on with the job. Describe how this idea is explored in the text (King Lear) and one other text of your choosing (Lord of the Rings.)


Leadership, in essence, is a conceptual framework of understanding ascribed to the underlying notion of successful guidance of a group by one or more individuals. Socially speaking, the whole idea relies on and is fundamentally intertwined with successful relationships between a leader and his people. Thus derived is a suitable thesis, successful leadership comes down to an ability to maintain social aptness, avoid hegemony, and have determination to fulfil tasks for the benefit of the group. This framework of ideas is explored in varying intricacies in Shakespeare’s “King Lear” as well as J. R. Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy.


A starting point of analysis one may consider is given in the character of Edmund, the bastard son of the Earl of Gloucester in “King Lear”. Edmund is outlined to us as a character of bitter soul, who holds a high antipathy for society, for renouncing him over his brother Edgar, who stands to inherit the wealth of their father Gloucester, All due to Edmund’s bastard status. As he describes, “Thou nature art my goddess; to thy law my services are bound…Now gods, stand up for bastards!”, one is given the implication of a starting campaign of Edmund’s, in his quest for recognition against his censure by society.
He possesses an adamant approach to fulfilment of tasks, getting on with the job. After his harangue describing his feelings, he prepares to start collecting a portfolio of situations and social networks which serve to assist his own personal needs. Eventually, Edmund “receives” a letter from Edgar. His father eventually reads the letter, and is shocked by the contents. Edmund craftily created a scenario for the first follower to fall into his trap of sweet talk. As he then describes, “A credulous father and a brother noble, whose nature is so far from doing harms. That he suspects none …” one can see an almost virile tone of authority expressed in his speech.


Edmund’s meeting with Edgar, after Gloucester has read the letter, is another thematically driven situation. He tells Edgar with urgency that their father is angry with him, and instructs him to remain armed at all times, for if he is ever to run into their raging father, he shall meet trouble. “Bethink yourself, wherein you may have offended him… at this instant so rageth in him that the mischief of your person would scarcely allay” is told to Edgar, Edmund then says that Edgar must also go to his lodging and hide, “Pray ye, go, there’s my key. If you do stir abroad, go armed”. So one can observe another masterful trickery, Edgar is lead on by Edmund in a false string of assumptions.


On a similar tone yet radically different angle, Frodo from The Lord Of the Rings, employs a variety of techniques to acquire efficient leadership. He is described as a jovial little fellow, a hobbit who comes to be in possession of the one ring, the ruling ring of Middle Earth. His mission is to deliver the ring to Mount Doom and destroy it. To effectively do so, Frodo, as a small hobbit, takes on adverse conditions and sometimes intense cupidity, and go through many psychological, physical and emotional barriers, often with the caustic admonition of others tearing at his willpower, because of the ring he carries.


On the second postulate of the thesis, the tale elapses with a progressive dwindling of Company members, this is symbolic in its representation of the greater independence required of the leader, in the changing situations his group faces.
Frodo says to Sam, after escaping Boromir’s accost in the forest, “Go back, Sam, Im going to Mordor Alone.”, while Sam replies “I know, and I’m coming with you.” Frodo accepts this decision on Sam’s part, this leads to greater confidence for Frodo, and with this relationship solidified for the greatest part of the Journey, Frodo continues his quest.


After the acquaintance with Gollum, during one point of the Journey, Frodo asks why Sam keeps insulting Gollum. An altercation ensues. “You have no idea what it did to him, what it’s still doing to him. I want to help him, Sam.” Allows the reader to sympathise with Gollum, and suggests to us the caring nature of Frodo is imminent in his desire to help Gollum. After a brief aspersion to Sam’s comments on assisting him with the Ring, he also says “It’s my task! My own!” Thus he accomplishes the two conditions of the derived thesis, and in a very short period of time as well. He shows an ability to cope with the exigency of his task, and still manages to form a sympathetic relationship with Gollum, as well as a mostly sympathetic, but fluctuating one with Sam. This is an interesting case, where a small character by stature is shown to have the greatest power and influence, a unique countering to the common notion perceived by society, that a large stature and reputation is required to successfully lead a group of individuals.


In summation, the texts “King Lear” and “The Lord of the Rings” give not only a practical application of the leadership framework but a thematically new branch to explore and analyse. Overall, in Edmund’s context, the calumnious twist on the leadership framework in Edmund’s quests describes to us a unique take on what the real intentions of a leader can be. On the same note, Frodo, in the Lord of the Rings, endures a whole series of obstacles with the overarching kindness and sympathy of a great leader, yet firm in his desire to fulfil tasks.
Lacking a LOT of techniques!!
You are at times re-telling events, rather than analysing them..
I woudl suggest that you integrate the disucssion of techniques within each paragraph.
Also, integrate the discussion of both your texts in terms of concepts/ideas/themes.

Mark: 14/20 - need techniques, detailed textual ANALYSIS and integration :)
 

Examine

same
Joined
Dec 14, 2011
Messages
2,376
Gender
Undisclosed
HSC
2013
Lacking a LOT of techniques!!
You are at times re-telling events, rather than analysing them..
I woudl suggest that you integrate the disucssion of techniques within each paragraph.
Also, integrate the discussion of both your texts in terms of concepts/ideas/themes.

Mark: 14/20 - need techniques, detailed textual ANALYSIS and integration :)
He goes to Hurlstone, though you marked too lightly anyway.
 

xXnukerrrXx

Member
Joined
Feb 17, 2011
Messages
51
Gender
Male
HSC
N/A
In my opinion, you should not use the word thesis within the essay itself; because your essay really is the thesis arguing for or against the question. Following from the comments above, theres is alot of retelling and use your quotes sparingly. Quotes are really to reinforce your argument. There is clearly sophistication in language, however a few of the sentences are rather hard to follow. If there is a simpler word that does the same job USE IT.
 

jnney

lemon
Joined
Mar 3, 2011
Messages
1,437
Gender
Female
HSC
2012
Essay Question: Leaders have often taken the time to manage key relationships, while still getting on with the job. Describe how this idea is explored in your class text as one other text of your choosing (Lord of the Rings)

Leadership, in essence, is a conceptual framework of understanding ascribed to the underlying notion of successful guidance of a group by one or more individuals. Socially speaking, ??? the whole idea relies on and is fundamentally you just said the same thing twice intertwined with successful relationships between a leader and his people. Thus derived is a suitable thesis???, successful leadership comes down to too colloquial an ability to maintain social aptness, avoid hegemony, and have determination to fulfil tasks for the benefit of the group. This framework of ideas is explored in varying intricacies in Shakespeare’s “King Lear” as well as J. R. Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy.
A starting point of analysis one may consider why is this part necessary? is given in the character of Edmund, the bastard son of the Earl of Gloucester in “King Lear”. Edmund is outlined to us as a character of bitter soul, who holds a high antipathy for society, for renouncing him over his brother Edgar, who stands to inherit the wealth of their father Gloucester, All due to Edmund’s bastard status.sentence is too long, too many commas As he describes, “Thou nature art my goddess; to thy law my services are bound…Now gods, stand up for bastards!”, one is given the implication of a starting campaign of Edmund’s, in his quest for recognition against his censure by society.
He possesses an adamant approach to fulfilment of tasks, getting on with the job. colloquial After his harangue describing his feelings, he prepares to start collecting a portfolio of situations and social networks which serve to assist his own personal needs. Eventually, Edmund “receives” a letter from Edgar. His father eventually reads the letter, and is shocked by the contents. Edmund craftily created a scenario for the first follower to fall into his trap of sweet talk.colloquial As he then describes, “A credulous father and a brother noble, whose nature is so far from doing harms. That he suspects none …” one can see an almost virile tone of authority expressed in his speech. so?
Edmund’s meeting with Edgar, after Gloucester has read the letter, is another thematically driven situation???. He tells Edgar with urgency that their father is angry with him, and instructs him to remain armed at all times, for if he is ever to run into their raging father, he shall?? meet trouble. “Bethink yourself, wherein you may have offended him… at this instant so rageth in him that the mischief of your person would scarcely allay” is told to Edgar, Edmund then says that Edgar must also go to his lodging and hide, “Pray ye, go, there’s my key. If you do stir abroad, go armed”. So one can observe another masterful trickery, Edgar is lead on by Edmund in a false string of assumptions.
On a similar tone yet radically different angle, Frodo from The Lord Of the Rings, employs a variety of techniques to acquire efficient leadership. He is described as a jovial little fellow, a hobbit who comes to be in possession of the one ring, the ruling ring of Middle Earth. His mission is to deliver the ring to Mount Doom and destroy it. To effectively do so, Frodo, as a small hobbit, takes on adverse conditions and sometimes intense cupidity, and go through many psychological, physical and emotional barriers, often with the caustic admonition of others tearing at his willpower, because of the ring he carries.
On the second postulate of the thesis, the tale elapses with a progressive dwindling of Company members, this is symbolic in its representation of the greater independence required of the leader, in the changing situations his group faces.
Frodo says to Sam, after escaping Boromir’s accost in the forest, “Go back, Sam, Im going to Mordor Alone.”, while Sam replies “I know, and I’m coming with you.” Frodo accepts this decision on Sam’s part, this leads to greater confidence for Frodo, and with this relationship solidified for the greatest part of the Journey, Frodo continues his quest.
After the acquaintance with Gollum, during one point of the Journey, Frodo asks why Sam keeps insulting Gollum. An altercation ensues. “You have no idea what it did to him, what it’s still doing to him. I want to help him, Sam.” Allows the reader to sympathise with Gollum, and suggests to us the caring nature of Frodo is imminent in his desire to help Gollum. After a brief aspersion to Sam’s comments on assisting him with the Ring, he also says “It’s my task! My own!” Thus he accomplishes the two conditions of the derived thesis, and in a very short period of time as well. He shows an ability to cope with the exigency of his task, and still manages to form a sympathetic relationship with Gollum, as well as a mostly sympathetic, but fluctuating one with Sam. This is an interesting case, where a small character by stature is shown to have the greatest power and influence, a unique countering to the common notion perceived by society, that a large stature and reputation is required to successfully lead a group of individuals.

In summation, the texts “King Lear” and “The Lord of the Rings” give not only a practical application of the leadership framework but a thematically new branch to explore and analyse. Overall, in Edmund’s context, the calumnious twist on the leadership framework in Edmund’s quests describes to us a unique take on what the real intentions of a leader can be. On the same note, Frodo, in the Lord of the Rings, endures a whole series of obstacles with the overarching kindness and sympathy of a great leader, yet firm in his desire to fulfil tasks.
1. i think there is too much story telling
2. stop chucking in so many 'cool words'. it makes it hard for the marker to interpret what you are trying to say. it's unnecessary, so just get straight to the point. if you have no idea what you're talking about - neither will anyone else.
3. you need to keep establishing a connection with the question
4. analysis requires more depth. your response lacks 'substance'
5. why havent you mentioned the use of any techniques?
 
Last edited:

Users Who Are Viewing This Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 1)

Top