proof read? senior mentor speech (1 Viewer)

bettina44

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i have my speech tomorrow and i need help TT.its all over the place and i don't know what to do esp with substance.perhaps you guys could help?

Good morning teachers and fellow students. Now I can’t promise you a swimming pool or get the veronicas to play at our school formal and I can’t exactly bribe every one of you guys by giving a 100 bucks for every person that votes for me---maybe if was a millionaire, but I’m not.
For all of those who know me, well you obviously know who I am, but for those who don’t I’m Bettina and I’m running for senior mentor. I know most of you guys aren’t that familiar with me so I’ve spent hours and hours to writing this autobiography which I’m going to read to you to get you to know me better. (Hold gigantic textbook)
(Clear my throat)…I, Bettina was born on the 2 of March 19....
Sorry? What did you say? ___________________________... (Look to book)
Ok I won’t read my autobiography, so how about I just get straight to the point and keep it short and simple, (throw it aside)
East hills girls to me is not just a school, to be honest, it was more like a______________ back in year 7.i vividly remember my first day when I set foot into high school, I accidentally bumped into a senior and she didn’t look too pleased, the first thing that came to my mind was she’s not going to flush my head down to toilet, is she?
Since year seven many things have changed over the years. One thing has definitely stayed the same. And that’s the________________________________________________________
I have learnt so much while attending east hills girls .I learnt to be a polite and respectful student striving to the best of my ability. I’m a hard worker who gives everything 110%.
I believe I do have the potential to lead our school. I am also keen believer in setting a good example in the school as well as the community. I have participated in SCIP program which has taught me invaluable skills in honesty, respect, listening and helping others in the community and I wish to do the same here.
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

I believe that I would be able to undertake the responsibility of being senior mentor if you give me the opportunity to and it would be a choice that you would not regret.___________________________________ I am not going to make empty promise.
Like I said, I can not guarantee a swimming pool but there has been a lot of downpour lately which has created a really big puddle at Smith Park, you can always bring your swimmers along and have a splash around there. And maybe getting the veronicas to sing at our school formal is a little too unrealistic; perhaps I could convince Mrs. Neupuruk to sing instead.
 
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bored of sc

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bettina44 said:


Good morning teachers and fellow students. Now I can’t promise you a swimming pool or get the veronicasto play at our school formal and I can’t exactly bribe every one of you guys by giving a 100 bucks for every person that votes for me---maybe if was a millionaire, but I’m not.
For all of those who know me, well you obviously know who I am, but for those who don’t I’m Bettina and I’m running for senior mentor. I know most of you guys aren’t that familiar with me so I’ve spent hours and hours to writing this autobiography which I’m going to read to you to get you to know me better. (Hold gigantic textbook)
(Clear my throat)…I, Bettina was born on the 2 of March 19....
Sorry? What did you say? ___________________________... (Look to book)
Ok I won’t read my autobiography, so how about I just get straight to the point and keep it short and simple, (throw it aside)
East hills girls, to me, is not just a school, to be honest, it IS more like a SECOND HOME TO ME. I vividly remember my first day OF YEAR SEVEN when I set foot into high school. I accidentally bumped into a senior and she didn’t look too pleased. The first thing that came to my mind was she’s not going to flush my head down to toilet, is she?
Since year seven many things have changed over the years. One thing has definitely stayed the same. And that’s the UNDIVIDED ATTENTION GIVEN BY THE STAFF TO EACH AND EVERY STUDENT.
I have learnt so much while attending east hills girls. I learnt to be a polite and respectful student striving to the best of my ability. I’m NOW a hard worker who gives everything 110%.
I believe I have the potential to lead our school. I WILL TRY MY HARDEST TO set a good example in the school as well as the community. I have participated in SCIP program which has taught me invaluable skills in honesty, respect, listening and helping others in the community and I wish TO CONTINUE THIS IF SELECTED AS SENIOR MENTOR.
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

I WILL BE able to FULFILL the responsibilitIES THAT ENCOMPASS being senior mentor if you, THE STUDENTS give me the opportunity to and it would be a choice that you would not regret. ___________________________________ I am not going to make empty promise.
Like I said, I can not guarantee a swimming pool but there has been a lot of downpour lately which has created a really big puddle at Smith Park, you can always bring your swimmers along and have a splash around there. And maybe getting the veronicas to sing at our school formal is a little too unrealistic; perhaps I could convince Mrs. Neupuruk to sing instead.

SO IF YOU THE STUDENTS WANT TO CONTINUE THE STRONG REPUTATION/COMMUNITY OF EAST HILLS GIRLS, SUPPORT ME, BETTINA.

VOTE NOW!
Hmm... just a few suggestions...
 
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mentok

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Now I can’t promise you a swimming pool or get the veronicasto play at our school formal and I can’t exactly bribe every one of you guys by giving a 100 bucks for every person that votes for me---maybe if was a millionaire, but I’m not.
This section doesn't really work. You could try to rewrite it so it fits better but I think you either need to move it to a later part of your speech or cut it out.Maybe move it to after you say 'I am not going to make an empty promise', and cut out the bribing bit.

How formal is this speech supposed to be by the way? In terms of substance, just try to speak from the heart - what you think will make you a good senior mentor and set you apart from the other candidates. Don't try too hard to be 'funny'. Most importantly, just be confident.

Good luck with your speech!
 

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