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Story not yet finished .. (1 Viewer)

cam.t

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HI. I am attempting to write Creative Witting on Belonging. I am not very good at this, as I don't write much. Anyway, this is a start of a story "Lone Beetle". It came from a stimulus where a one beetle was alienated/separated/disconnected from the rest/group of beetle.
Tell me what you think. I need help on ideas and ways to improve. Thank you very much.



Lone Beetle
The home of 60 Flower St was the home where Beets was raised as a child, when only the those things that were essentially important – the tiny black dots on our red shiny back, the six short legs that were difficult to run with, the v-shaped antennas rooted from our heads, telling us all that these is what we have all in common.

When the winter sun had gone missing behind a thick, almost black blanket of cloud, like a child hiding from bullies, two camel spiders, one bigger than the other appeared. Beets witnessed it all, the night of the attack and the death of his mother, father and grandmother. He remembered the scene when pa tried to fight against it, a threat which took away the life of pa; pa was attacked, venomed and shattered. His grandfather managed to escape with Beets to a temporary asylum, between the thickets of grass near the flower pot.

As morning came like subtle smell of rosemary; he awoke alone, with his grandfather nowhere to be found. Questions clouded its’ head with why. Alone, in a solitary moment, with tears on his leaf as he cries; it made no sense, he thought.

Unexpectedly a shadow merged into darkness as the morning sun that accompanied him transformed to a silver moon. The crooked deformed branches hovered its arms over beneath him, the sound of whispering wind gushing out mockery and eyes that peered through cracks in the fence. Beets felt them follow it but dared not turn back. As it turned the corner, the wind gusted, groaning. House lights flickered on. In the cold Beets hunched its shoulders trying to keep warm, only her shadow from the house lights keeping his company as it walked.


..... to be continued
I'm not sure what will happen to the lonely beetle. I was thinking of introducing another character (creature of another species) to be companion with Beets, a lonely beetle that never had a place in the world. After thats settled, I want to bring back the grandfather with the pack of beetles. However, Beet will not be returning home.
 
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untitled....

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The home of 60 Flower St was the home


should start with a better first sentence
vary sentence lengths
simplify sentence structure a bit to allow it to flow better

not sure if these are helpful to you...
 

bored of sc

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Lone Beetle
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Flower St was the home where Beets was raised as a child, when only the those things that were essentially important (huh?) – the tiny black dots on our red shiny back, the six short legs that were difficult to run with, the v-shaped antennas rooted from our heads, telling us all that these are what we have all in common.

When the winter sun had gone missing behind a thick, black blanket of cloud, two camel spiders, one bigger than the other appeared. Beets witnessed it all, the night of the attack; the death of his mother, father and grandmother. He remembered the scene when pa tried to fight against it, a threat which took away his life. He was attacked, venomed and shattered. His grandfather managed to escape with Beets to a temporary asylum, between the thickets of grass near the flower pot.

As morning came like subtle smell of rosemary he awoke alone, with his grandfather nowhere to be found. Questions clouded his head with 'why?' Alone, in a solitary moment, with tears on his leaf as he cries; 'it made no sense', he thought.

Unexpectedly a shadow merged into darkness as the morning sun that accompanied him transformed to a silver moon. The crooked, deformed branches hovered its arms over beneath him, the sound of whispering wind gushing out mockery and eyes that peered through cracks in the fence. (I don't understand the underlined bit) Beets felt them follow him but dared not turn back. As it turned the corner, the wind gusted, groaning. (Confusion with tenses, stick to either past or present) House lights flickered on. In the cold Beets hunched his shoulders trying to keep warm, only the shadow from the house lights keeping his company as he walked.

----

Firstly it's an interesting perspective. Using an insect's perspective works really well. Just remember that you need to keep the personification consistent. Don't ever call the beetle 'it'. Give it a masculine pronoun (i.e. he, him etc) so we as responders can form an emotional attachment to the core character.

Be careful with your description, it gets a bit too much at times. Sometimes the best way to describe is to be as bare, honest and pure as possible - if the tree was over him, say "the tree hovered over him" and that's sufficient. There are sections where you use similes which are too over the top and confuse the imagery going on inside my head.

But again, great idea. Just some fine tuning needed. :)

P.S Check my editing above carefully.
 
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