THAT point in a relationship (2 Viewers)

[Skeeta]

Has anyone else reached a point where you figure it can go two ways? I think i'm at this point now.

I have been with my b/f for 4-5 years, and all has been well.
But it is now at the stage where it has become make or break. We dont want to waste time if we figure we're not going to end up together. Thats not the problem though. I love him, and i love being with him. BUT i keep thinking about my life if we do get married etc. He is a "sports person" and is doing well in his chosen sport. This means, his week consists of 3 or more training sessions, and his weekend consists of playing this sport. Its tolerable because i know he loves it, plus it gives me time to study/work.

I'm just thinking though... This may continue well into his 30's.
I dont know if i will be able to handle a husband who works all week, after work 3+ times a week, will train.. then have weekends consumed by the sport. What if we have children?

What brought this mindset on, is that i had a dream that we were on our honeymoon, and he was rung up by the australian coach to play. And he went. I told him about the dream.. and he told me that if this happened. he would go

Its rather selfish i know but it seems like something i should think about.
xxemoxx

 

[volition]

I don't think this is the sort of question that someone else can answer for you...

 

[Darkening]

What do you really want?

 

[Born Dancer]

i guess it would come down to compromise, skeeta.

i can see how its important for him to continue it if he loves it and is good at it, and like you said, this is beneficial for you int erms of getting things done, but i can also see how it would strain you in some respects. you dont think it would be silly after 5 years to cancel everything for sporting committments?

i think your best option would be just to start discussing how it can be worked around.
all in all it's completely up to you

 

[Skeeta]

i dont know.

I think about being with him. I can see the wedding, the honeymoon the kids etc. I cant imagine that with anyone else.. i've never BEEN with anyone else.

But then i think about what my life could be like after all of that. Having a husband thats never around. Being a desperate housewife basically.
I dont want that. But i cant decide what i do/don't want more

I figure its a decision i should make now/soon, because otherwise we would have spent all this time and it amounts to nothing. But it might not be like that. heaven forbid he gets injured or is unable to play, or he simply isnt good enough to make it. I think i just keep thinking about the negatives.

It was just that he said so simply and calmly that he would leave on the first day of our honeymoon if he was called up to play. I've already been warned if we are to get married/engaged, it must be in the off season because he cannot get time off, i could just never imagine my life being ruled by a sport

edit: I think its got more to do with me knowing that i wont be first. everything comes after his sport, and it always will. I can understand this because he can make a job and a very good living out of it one day. But i dont know how i will feel when i'm 30 and i'm still playing second fiddle to this game.

 

[crazyhomo]

on the bright side, this can only go on for another 20 years or so before he's too old to play anymore. if you can just hang in for that long, then he'll have all the time in the world to put you first

 

[ElGronko]

It all depends on this question: What sport does he play?

 

[Capitalist Pig]

Wow, that's tough. I'm with egronk in asking what sport, and is he good enough to make a living out of sport alone, because then he wouldn't have a "working week" per se. Either way I'd discuss with him how hurt you'd be about the honeymoon statement, but would shy away from delivering the "sport or me" ultimatum.

 

[quik.]

It is entirely dependant on you, really.

If you think you can cope with the commitment that a professional sporting career demands, then it's all ok. There are plenty of happily married athletes. It is, however, still a job. It has pros and cons, as well as commitments, like any other job. These commitments have to be met... just like any other job.

If you don't believe you would be able to cope, then obviously some serious discussion and thought needs to happen. I doubt you would consider the option of even considering him giving up sport, which would mean resigning to the acknowledgement that it will not work out.

I know that to all spectators it appears black and white and that in contrast there are an infinite amount of thoughts running through your mind, so really the most you can do is take the time to think about it.

What chance does he have of making a professional career out of sport? Is he pursuing this as a goal? Or is he planning on university etc? Does he play at an elite competitive level? Has he been approached about a professional career before?

There are alot of variables and ultimately the resolution lies with you and your partner, all the best :]

 

[RanyofuKenyan?]

He plays cricket.

And he is rather good, so the chances of him forging a successful career are rather high, barring serious injury.

The only thing I'll say Skeets, is that because you've only ever been with him your whole life, if you have any doubts at all, any what if's, you have to make sure you settle them within yourself...otherwise they'll probably consume you.

Even though it's hard, it would probably be best to talk to him about it all, even though it might become a shitty talk.


Anywho, i wub j00 and i just hope you're happy whatever decision you make. <33333

 

[RanyofuKenyan?]

Oh, and i'm not in favour of giving him a sport or me ultimatum, just discussing with him further about your relationship/future, feelings, fears, etc.

 

[grk_styl]

So you've obviously spoken to him about it, and his answers seem to have brought these thoughts upon you. Have you told him how you felt?

I'm assuming you're both between the ages of 18-20 right? I think it's hard for ANYONE to answer marriage/kids/honeymoon questions. He may say that NOW about leaving u on your honeymoon, but if it was to arise, he may not do it.

I think our varying opinions shouldn't sway you either way. It has to come from the bottom of your heart (as cheesy as that sounds)

I think its got more to do with me knowing that i wont be first. everything comes after his sport, and it always will.

I don't want to be a bitch, but do you want to live your life as the 2nd love of your husband/the one you love? It's like being "the other woman". Personally, YOU and the children you create should come first in his life. Him choosing his sport is somewhat selfish. I also think his answer is incredibly immature, and would change as he got older. If he didn't, I think you have every right to consider the future of your relationship.

That being said, you should probably ignore our (my) advice, seeing as though we (I) know nothing about you or your relationship. I guess that's just how I've interpreted it.

 

[RanyofuKenyan?]

If someone has the chance to forge a succesful international cricket career, it's not that selfish.


It's so lucrative (massive amounts of money; fame; international travel; GETTING PAID TO PLAY SPORT) and it's probably been his dream since he was a little kid.



That being said, Skeeta's mega hawt and awesome.

 

[Calculon]

Yeah but then he turns into Shane Warne and starts banging British chix in the middle of nightclubs.

 

[iambored]

Disclaimer for my post:

That being said, you should probably ignore our (my) advice, seeing as though we (I) know nothing about you or your relationship. I guess that's just how I've interpreted it.

All I really have to say is, can you live without him? I agree that this is something you should think about, the sport will be a major part of your life. It depends whether he means enough to you for you to put up with that / compromise, potentially, forever.

You also have to find out how much he is willing to compromise his sport for you. He can't just 'take' and I don't think it is right for him to say he would leave on your honeymoon.

 

[ujuphleg]

Wow tough question.

I agree with what a lot of people have said - its hard to tell anyone what to do in this kind of situation because its near impossible to evaluate.

------------

I've been with my boyfriend for 2+ years and I too often find myself wondering that if the relationship isn't going to materialise into marriage etc. then whats the point?

I think its a general genetic thing amongst girls though that we tend to think a lot about the future and we want to feel that we'll (sorta) know whats going to happen, especially when you get in this kind of situation where you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with a man who you're in love with.

Of course, the problem arises when something which seems so small, in your mind, can materialise into something which can be big if that future comes into view.

For about a year, my boyfriend was unemployed and, to me, seemed to be making little to no effort into finding a job. Understand that it wasn't the fact that he was without work which was the issue - I dont care how wealthy he is, if I wanted someone rich I wouldn't be going out with him in the first place. It was the fact that he was without a job and was seeming to be unconcerned with getting one. He wouldn't work here here or here because of x, y or z and was really fussy about it. He was all philosophical about "capitalist societies evils etc."

And it really worried me, and like you, I got to THAT point, where I was thinking, if this happens if/when we're married in 10/15 years and we have kids is he going to be like this? Will he be moody, lazy and grumpy and not work because he doesn't like "compromising his morals" whilst his kids go without food?

It still bothers me. And it bothers me that there are aspects of his personality which are quirky but could turn into real problems in a marriage.


At the same time, I love him so much and perhaps this is the bottom line: Can you (viably) imagine a future without him? I know its hard to ask because you've never been with anyone else and everyone whose in a long term relationship is always scared of ending up totally alone if they break up with their significant other. Optimism says that if you both love each other enough, there will always be a way. Perhaps optimism is right.

Relationships are always about give and take and compromise - if you can truly find it within yourself to believe that, as a wife, you could live with a future which involves him away alot doing his sport thing because you love him enough then theres your answer.

Ultimatley the answer lies with yourself and we can only give you perspectives.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do

 

[Skeeta]

wow, i got some really good responses... I was expecting more "uh get over it"'s and "it doesnt matter coz you're shit anyway"'s

I think it was more his comment than anything that shocked me. I have always dealt with the weeks/months apart while he's on tour and figured it was a normal part of a relationship. I think the positives of being with him outweigh the negatives of being apart. We've never really fought, or been on a "break" and to be honest i cant really imagine being without him. I dont know whether it is because i dont know anything different, or whether its because how he makes me feel.
Every time i doubt myself he does something to make me realise why i'm with him.

He HAS told me that he would give up the sport for me.. but in reality i think i would go before the sport. He's been working towards it for over 10 years... I couldnt ask him to stop, and i dont want him to, its something he loves, its a part of him.
I think its just that the sport demands so much.


I questioned him about why he said he would go. His first comment was "why would we be getting married during the cricket season anyway?" followed by "i have the rest of my life to make it up to you, it might be a once in a lifetime opportunity and i'm guarranteed $xxxx and contract and it would set us up financially etc". It's something i guess we'll work around, we always have..

*sigh*

I think its something i just have to come to terms with. I just find it so hard to comprehend.. I dont think i've ever wanted anything THAT badly, never had that sort of drive or determination for anything.. ever.

 

[wheredanton]

Has anyone else reached a point where you figure it can go two ways? I think i'm at this point now.

I have been with my b/f for 4-5 years, and all has been well.
But it is now at the stage where it has become make or break. We dont want to waste time if we figure we're not going to end up together. Thats not the problem though. I love him, and i love being with him. BUT i keep thinking about my life if we do get married etc. He is a "sports person" and is doing well in his chosen sport. This means, his week consists of 3 or more training sessions, and his weekend consists of playing this sport. Its tolerable because i know he loves it, plus it gives me time to study/work.

I'm just thinking though... This may continue well into his 30's.
I dont know if i will be able to handle a husband who works all week, after work 3+ times a week, will train.. then have weekends consumed by the sport. What if we have children?

What brought this mindset on, is that i had a dream that we were on our honeymoon, and he was rung up by the australian coach to play. And he went. I told him about the dream.. and he told me that if this happened. he would go

Its rather selfish i know but it seems like something i should think about.
xxemoxx

Dear, he only plays first grade cricket. Worry about all that stuff when he signs a cricket Australia contract (80k and up). In any case I really hope he has a backup career. I grew up playing grade cricket. There are heaps of guys in there who are all cricket but nothing else. First grade players training so hard to get that elusive cricket NSW contract (60k - which will NOT set you up for life).

Him not being there is probably the least of your worries. A greater worry is having to scrub his whites forever and ever. I mean if you married a lawyer you would see less of your lawyer husband that your cricket playing husband (unless of course he plays for Australia).

Unless he really is going to play for Australia I find it highly dubious that the cricket contract will set him up for life. There simply aint that much money in cricket.

 

[ElGronko]

Fuck off!

If the coach of australia called up and asked ANY man in Australia to play cricket for his country, anyone would say yes. Anyone.

Any guy who is about to say "I wouldn't" is a lier and a fool (dude, stop . I'm pretty sure that you would be having plently of moneymoons with all the sponsership money and the free touring to every cricket nation in the world you would be doing with him.

 

[Lhyviathan]

http://content-usa.cricinfo.com/wisdenalmanack/content/current/story/154914.html

An article from a back issue of Wisden. Worth a squiz.