Why! (3 Viewers)

[killerg0d]

Yes, our school.. their marking is so harsh.
I hate it..
Violence in the modern society is seen by the gun and how Samuel says 'I will only kill the bad man'
Due to Violence in the modern society, it has sort of corrupted him, I think?
So it Cultural Differences and Violence and corruption of modern society wrong?

cultural differences i'd say is wrong, instead say Through the clash of cultures, Samuel has experienced the negativity of modern urban society. But your use of violence and corruption analysis is right. You have to emphasis on the pacifism though, because Eli is almost a mentor on pacifism. He is symbolic of what is good of Amish society whilst this experience that Samuel brings seems to almost taunt his upbringing of the boy.

 

[Sanjeet]

Uhhh... Did you write an essay or did you just write an introduction for the exam? How the fuck did you get 3/20

 

[eat_well]

Don't worry, my school marks incredibly harshly as well. They penalise the crap out of us for not answering the question. I got a 10/20 for not answering the question properly when my tutor was certain I would get an 18+.
You have not used the key words in the question. It says strong ideas whereas you immediately start talking about values and beliefs. Never once in your introduction have you actually said "the strong idea in this scene is represented bla bla bla..." It makes it sound like you have just memorised an essay and just spat it back out which teachers HATE. And yes, it is a bit too wordy which just makes the teacher think a tutor has written for you so they tend to penalise you even more for that.
Like I said, I've been in the same situation. I think the best way to learn is to go up to your teacher and ask what exactly you did wrong.

 

[SanjoyM]

[h=3][/h]I just got my english paper back and got a 3/20
I just want your opinion on why/how.

The question was: the scene you have viewed presents 2 strong ideas. examine how these ideas are represented in the extract and the text as a whole.

My introduction was: Culture is a comprehensive term that encompasses the set of values and beliefs common within any cohesive group. It is these values that underpin the mechanism driving attitudes and ultimately establishing standard behaviours which are required to maintain a sense of acceptance within the group. Witness by Peter Weir presents the conflicts between two respective sets of culturally derived values by juxtaposing the obscurity of American civilisation and the sense of unity in the Amish community. Weir morally challenges the inherent peripheries between these polarities, emphasizing on the contrast between the presence of corruption in modern America and that of peace in agrarian Amish. In the case of cultural displacement, although this cultural discrepancy may result in an individual struggle, it might also provide an opportunity for some self-understanding.

The comment on my paper was, that my intro didn't answer the question. But I think it did..

This should definitely deserve a B range mark 15-16
However, as we can only guage the standard of your essay by you introduction, it is not sufficient to provide a valid mark..
You must provide us with your essay.
Some students have excellent introductions, but in the body they detract from the question and do not LINK or use techniques - maybe that is what happened
In order to ascertain the mark you deserve, provide us with your entire essay.


Even I tend to be a little verbose at times, however, I continuously link back to the question and use techniques and a plethora of quotes - apparently that is what pushes me up to the high A mark in both Advanced and Extension

So, provide us with your entire essay

 

[Absolutezero]

It's definitely not a 15-16, especially if the average is 8.

 

[SanjoyM]

It's definitely not a 15-16, especially if the average is 8.

Oh okay.. Then, it should be 4-5 atleast..
I mean it is a very verbose and the ideas are not clearly expressed, but this is very harsh marking..

 

[findx]

I doubt the teachers at this school can write a 20/20 response (marked according to the school's own criteria) by themselves in exam conditions

 

[madharris]

what was the average? Maybe it was two? In that case good job!
But seriously, your teacher is a really harsh marker

 

[SanjoyM]

I'll suggest some changes I'll highlight

Culture is a comprehensive term [is this necessary?] that encompasses the set of values and beliefs common within any cohesive group. It is these values that underpin the mechanism driving attitudes and ultimately (necessary) establishing (establishes) standard behaviours which are required to maintain a sense of acceptance within the group (Simplify this - remember you language should be simple, but your ideas should be sophisticated - Over here, the idea is quite simple, but your language is somewhat verbose - ensure clarity). Witness by Peter Weir presents the conflicts between two respective sets of culturally derived values by juxtaposing the obscurity of American civilisation and the sense of unity in the Amish community (What's your point here? Is there another way you can state this?). Weir morally challenges the inherent peripheries between these polarities, emphasizing on the contrast between the presence of corruption in modern America and that of peace in agrarian Amish. In the case of cultural displacement, although this cultural discrepancy may result in an individual struggle, it might also provide an opportunity for some self-understanding.

You have not stated a) scenes 2) Thesis does not clearly establish the two ideas you are going to explore

I also use sophisticated words, but when required.. Also, make sure your sentences flow... I would award this a 3/5 (too verbose at times, does not EXPLICITLY answer the question) Remember, you only have 40 minutes, answer the question EXPLICITLY!!

 

[enoilgam]

I doubt the teachers at this school can write a 20/20 response (marked according to the school's own criteria) by themselves in exam conditions

With essays, many teachers would struggle to get full marks in them.

 

[SanjoyM]

With essays, many teachers would struggle to get full marks in them.

True that!! Maybe my head teacher and extension teacher would, but not the other teachers..

 

[Thief]

Don't worry, my school marks incredibly harshly as well. They penalise the crap out of us for not answering the question. I got a 10/20 for not answering the question properly when my tutor was certain I would get an 18+.
You have not used the key words in the question. It says strong ideas whereas you immediately start talking about values and beliefs. Never once in your introduction have you actually said "the strong idea in this scene is represented bla bla bla..." It makes it sound like you have just memorised an essay and just spat it back out which teachers HATE. And yes, it is a bit too wordy which just makes the teacher think a tutor has written for you so they tend to penalise you even more for that.
Like I said, I've been in the same situation. I think the best way to learn is to go up to your teacher and ask what exactly you did wrong.

Well rightly so, the whole point of the assessment is to answer the question they give you. Preparing an essay beforehand and then just regurgitating that wont get you anywhere =)

But yes OP, if the average was only 8, then getting a 3/20 seems more justifiable. Your intro was very wordy, and I had to concentrate to try and understand what you were saying..

 

[3PiCFail]

This might be wrong but this is how I read into it.
Your being really glib, you're using big words for the sake of using big words. This led to your marker being confused. The question asks for your examination of two ideas presented in the text, you start off with culture. You then split culture into 2 smaller sub-ideas, unity and obscurity of both the Amish and the Americans. Your marker probably then saw you had no other idea and marked you low for it.
This is just how I saw it, it could be totally wrong but its my opinion.
EDIT
Just wanted to add, be specific and concise in your intro, don't use big words when smaller ones will do.
AKA
"If you can think of a smaller word, use that instead."

 

[xamineO]

Oh, if the average was 8, I'm not really sure you could get above average if you didn't answer the question appropriately, since the teachers appeared to have marked harshly all round. What was the marking criteria? Did you specifically refer to that particular scene throughout your essay? Did you discuss BOTH 1) How your ideas are presented in that particular scene AND 2) How your ideas are presented in the text as a whole, either distinguishing or drawing similarities between both, with clarity?

If you did, when you're querying your mark you should raise those points and show where you discussed them in your essay. If not... :|

This wasn't the intro, I used to be exact. I used it but changed some of the words around.
Yes I did present two themes which where present in the that 'scene'
For the 'text as a whole' I related the scene we were presented to, to other scenes in the movie, which had similar themes/ideas.
Correct? or not?

 

[Timske]

This is only the intro i can assume your whole essay was too wordy

 

[Absolutezero]

This wasn't the intro, I used to be exact. I used it but changed some of the words around.
Yes I did present two themes which where present in the that 'scene'
For the 'text as a whole' I related the scene we were presented to, to other scenes in the movie, which had similar themes/ideas.
Correct? or not?

You can compare similar/contrasting scenes, but it's not worth much unless your critically dissecting them and showing their relevance to each other and the topic.

 

[Aerath]

You're right, it doesn't answer the question - but at the same time, that doesn't deserve a 3/20. If you wrote any essay somewhat related to the core texts, with that fluency, you would get like 14-15/20. I think it's fairly possible to write a pre-prepared essay that doesn't really answer the question and get around 15-16/20.

 

[Absolutezero]

You're right, it doesn't answer the question - but at the same time, that doesn't deserve a 3/20. If you wrote any essay somewhat related to the core texts, with that fluency, you would get like 14-15/20. I think it's fairly possible to write a pre-prepared essay that doesn't really answer the question and get around 15-16/20.

I think that's the crux of it though, it doesn't answer the question. Fluency should be disregarded if the core function of the essay isn't met.

 

[lolcakes52]

Where as your intro is wordy, this isn't the problem that jumps out at me. Your grammar is a bit off , "juxtaposing the obscurity of American civilisation and the sense of unity in the Amish community" should be "juxtaposing the obscurity of American civilisation with the sense of unity in the Amish community" among other things, but that isn't it. You where asked for HOW and focused on WHAT, which is a critical error in the eyes of some english teacher's.

 

[Aerath]

I think that's the crux of it though, it doesn't answer the question. Fluency should be disregarded if the core function of the essay isn't met.

The marking criteria for a HSC course isn't just about answering the question. It's also about engagement with the texts, and showing that you can identify, analyse and synthesise techniques and their effect as well.

I'm not condoning writing a pre-prepared essay without consideration for the question, but 3/20 is overly harsh, and if I were to bet, would not abide with marking criteria. To me, it seems like said teacher is just trying to make a point about pre-prepared essays by punishing the student, rather than conforming with a stringent set of marking guidelines.