Will look over your creative writing (2 Viewers)

[-may-cat-]

Im REALLY bored, anyone want me to look over their creative writing piece? I can't help with concept work (as i did Journeys) but i can help put some pizazz into your actual writing, if it needs it.

 

[-may-cat-]

Do you mind if i reply here, or would you prefer me to pm/email you?

 

[-tal-]

As you wish.

 

[dp624]

word count: it's kinda long.
and the opening reads indulgently =D not sure if all markers like that

sry to hijack thread

 

[Cinnamonster]

Can I PM you my story?

 

[-may-cat-]

Either you have a fantastic vocabulary or you really like your thesaurus huh? Its very good, its original and you have some really good images happening there, the analogy between the girls personality and the contract is particularly well done.

But you are having the issue that a lot of people seem to be having, you are going waaaaaaaaaaay overboard on the adjectives. By the end, you know that you've read something really good, but its not very clear what you were trying to say, in using all that great language you kind of lost control of your writing and your clarity of expression suffers as a result, particularly in phrases like this:

She audibly swallowed the bittersweet memory her mind had tormentingly conjured; after all, she did have a concert to tend do, this was no time to be minding matters of the heart.

To be honest, i had to read it a couple of times over before i really got a grasp of the plot and markers really don't have this time. Of course it could be just that im not on the ball today, but i have a feeling its more due to your verbose use of language/imagery, it kind of steals the show to the extent that its a little overwhelming.

So, you need to simplify a bit to balance things out and improve your clarity of expression. All those adjectives do look impressive, but only if you can keep control of the language, do you know what i mean?

There are some issues with punctuation, but thats no biggie, its easily fixed. If you cant find what i mean i'll send you a copy of your story with some changes. Usually i would say you need proper paragraphs, but i think your structure actualy works well, the small paragraphs help to balance out your (for want of better word) OTT imagery and it flows well.

Give it a title

 

[-may-cat-]

Can I PM you my story?

sure

 

[-tal-]

Either you have a fantastic vocabulary or you really like your thesaurus huh? Its very good, its original and you have some really good images happening there, the analogy between the girls personality and the contract is particularly well done.

But you are having the issue that a lot of people seem to be having, you are going waaaaaaaaaaay overboard on the adjectives. By the end, you know that you've read something really good, but its not very clear what you were trying to say, in using all that great language you kind of lost control of your writing and your clarity of expression suffers as a result, particularly in phrases like this:

She audibly swallowed the bittersweet memory her mind had tormentingly conjured; after all, she did have a concert to tend do, this was no time to be minding matters of the heart.

To be honest, i had to read it a couple of times over before i really got a grasp of the plot and markers really don't have this time. Of course it could be just that im not on the ball today, but i have a feeling its more due to your verbose use of language/imagery, it kind of steals the show to the extent that its a little overwhelming.

So, you need to simplify a bit to balance things out and improve your clarity of expression. All those adjectives do look impressive, but only if you can keep control of the language, do you know what i mean?

There are some issues with punctuation, but thats no biggie, its easily fixed. If you cant find what i mean i'll send you a copy of your story with some changes. Usually i would say you need proper paragraphs, but i think your structure actualy works well, the small paragraphs help to balance out your (for want of better word) OTT imagery and it flows well.

Give it a title

Whoa. Thank you for that. Not even my English teacher wrote that much on it.

Do you mind if I fix it and get you to look at it again?

 

[-may-cat-]

Whoa. Thank you for that. Not even my English teacher wrote that much on it.

Do you mind if I fix it and get you to look at it again?

Sure, that's fine. May i ask, is it that you have a great vocab? or did you use a thesaurus?

 

[-may-cat-]

Can you please look at my story "Manchurian Candies"? You don't have to look at the whole thing if you dont want, just the intro or first few paragraphs will please me

prelude by ~kaorujin on deviantART

Not really for school, just a little project of mine (im making a visual novel).

Heh, thats really clever and quirky. I don't get the ancient history allusions?? is that on purpose? Its kind of odd how it goes from being reaally deep to highly colloquial, but i like it here, its very intriguing (sorry cbf to read the whole thing) and makes me want to go further into it. I like your title

Tal, you should read this, it has the big language but not to the extent you do, and as a result it works well.

EDIT, yea i didn't write as much for you, just means there's less to critique, at least in my point of view (plus your story is for recreational purposes)

 

[sinophile]

What ancient history allusions..

Anyway, how about the premise? Is the beginning interesting enough to grab the audience attention? How about the context/environment/universe? Interesting enough? What about the use of language, is it too 'thick'? Should I make it more leisurely, or do you think its fine to paste on more slabs of meaning so each sentance is thick with meaning, like poetry? (do people even want to read a story wthat reads like a poem?)

 

[-tal-]

Sure, that's fine. May i ask, is it that you have a great vocab? or did you use a thesaurus?

hmm how would you classify it if I said I use the thesaurus to get the more... symbolic/meaningful word? Like say instead of saying "delicate rose" I use the thesaurus and get "porcelain rose" to make the flower seem more fragile. I know what porcelain means, I just hadn't thought of using it.

Give it a title

A title?! Impossible!

 

[-may-cat-]

What ancient history allusions..

Anyway, how about the premise? Is the beginning interesting enough to grab the audience attention? How about the context/environment/universe? Interesting enough? What about the use of language, is it too 'thick'? Should I make it more leisurely, or do you think its fine to paste on more slabs of meaning so each sentance is thick with meaning, like poetry? (do people even want to read a story wthat reads like a poem?)

ah, so they were not intended. I think it is interesting, though the direct speech is a little confusing at times. You could push your setting a bit further, its a little wishy washy. As i said before, i think you have used your language well, its intense and has a lot of meaning, but it doesn't look like you've used a thesaurus for the sake of looking really cool.

I wouldn't push your luck though, if its good now, don't try to 'fix' it. I dunno, its your story man, if you want it to read like poetry , go ahead, as you said, you're writing it for you, not for a marker or anything.

 

[-may-cat-]

A title?! Impossible!

? markers like titles, especially clever ones, your writing this for marks right? this could help you get them.

 

[u-borat]

i endorse this thread.

 

[-may-cat-]

I tried fixing it more, but I'll hope it makes for better reading this time round.

Just a question, was it more that I used too much description, or I didn't choose the right words to get it across? Or would it have gone across more easily if I canned the "big" word thing?

Oh and the punctuation? If it was about the capitalised "M" - it was intended to be that way. =/ I'm gathering it doesn't work?

It reads better now in my opinion. It was that you used big words without subtlety, every second word was a big word and it just made your story sound overworked and over the top. Now you have nearly the same amount of description, but it just flows better.

Lol, the punctuation is really a small thing, there are places where it would sound better with some commas and full stops etc.. its really just nit picky stuff, ask your teacher or wif you want ill make some changes and send it back to you.

 

[Cinnamonster]

I just sent you mine in four parts. Apparently it was too long to send in the one message <_<

 

[-may-cat-]

I just sent you mine in four parts. Apparently it was too long to send in the one message <_<

I'll look at it tomorrow, i have to go to sleep now, early start tomorrow, kay?

 

[Cinnamonster]

I'll look at it tomorrow, i have to go to sleep now, early start tomorrow, kay?

Good idea.

 

[Ecco]

How is this for a short story?, I would appreciate it if you or anyone for that matter gave some feedback.

It's a moderately rushed story based on belonging.

The general idea is that a descendant of Adolf Hitler is harassed by Neo-Nazi factions who want him to be a part of their organizations.... Have a look.


View attachment 17912

Btw I still need to fine tune it.