Would you ask your partner how many people they've been with? (1 Viewer)

[Ennaybur]

I'm pretty confused hey. I'd never tell who or how many people I'd slept with and I wouldn't care to know how many they'd slept with, but I seem to be pretty alone in this. Everyone (broad sample of 4) have said that they'd want to know for reasons like 'I'd want to know if I could trust them wah wah wah'.

What does that have to do with anything? Some names and numbers won't tell you that :\

 

[Serius]

Nah i dont see it as a big issue[well if we are talking several hundred, maybe] and i dont particularly want to know because even though realistically i know its going to be atleast a handful but more likely somewhere in the range of a dozen, whatever the number is i will be a bit upset by it. Basically i would like to just pretend she hadn't been with anyone before me, just like i want to pretend the only times my parents ever had sex was to conceive me and my siblings.

I dont have a problem telling her if she really wants to know, even though i know it will cause drama because i am a brutally honest person and if they really need to know i would rather tell her and get that shit out of the way instead of her getting pissed off when she finds out accidentally through a friend or something. At least that way she knows i am honest.

 

[Ennaybur]

People have such misguided ideas about truth in relationships. We lie and omit the truth all the time for paternal reasons but then for some reason all of a sudden people think that it's this TOPS idea to start being a beacon of honesty in relationships.

Don't get me wrong, the truth is important when it's appropriate. Just not always necessary.

 

[breaking]

oi ruby what is your myspace av from

 

[scarybunny]

don't ask, don't tell

 

[Ennaybur]

oi ruby what is your myspace av from

are we myspace friends? :s


ummm.. i think it's raptor jesus isn't it? idk i'll check



edit: yup

 

[Ennaybur]

I laughed out loud

and it was loud in my quiet house :$

 

[jordankuai22]

It could be kinda of hot to know your partner had fucked lots of guys.

You could be all like "you filthy little street whore, lick my fucking shoes while I piss in your filthy little mouth."

And she'd be all like, "just because I've had alot of partners doesn't mean I appreciate being treated disrespectfully."

And I'd be all like "sorry, I shouldn't have made such a stupid assumption."

pretty hawt.

very very hawt.

 

[Bainesy]

yes you have to ask. if they can give you an exact number that is good.

if not, it means sex is meaningless to that person and they sleep with anyone, anytime, anywhere.

 

[DLtoken]

You've gotta nab them while they're young so you can be their first. tehehe

 

[ogmzergrush]

Nah i dont see it as a big issue[well if we are talking several hundred, maybe] and i dont particularly want to know because even though realistically i know its going to be atleast a handful but more likely somewhere in the range of a dozen, whatever the number is i will be a bit upset by it. Basically i would like to just pretend she hadn't been with anyone before me, just like i want to pretend the only times my parents ever had sex was to conceive me and my siblings.

I'm sure that's what she'll pretend too, much less of a letdown for her once she's convinced herself.

I dont have a problem telling her if she really wants to know, even though i know it will cause drama because i am a brutally honest person and if they really need to know i would rather tell her and get that shit out of the way instead of her getting pissed off when she finds out accidentally through a friend or something. At least that way she knows i am honest.

I don't think your brutally honest "zero, but I've tried, god knows I've tried" will rock the boat anywhere near as much as you think.

Unprovoked digs aside, I don't really see it as a big deal. Part of a mature relationship ought to be being cool with what your partner has done in the past. Not for purposes of knowing whether you can trust someone (as you said, it's no help there), but in the same way that it might be interesting to know about where they grew up, went to school, etc.

The other thing is that personally I don't see any reason why it'd be a number to try to conceal from anyone in the first place. Assuming each person on the list represents a well-made decision (and there's no reason why they ever wouldn't), then I have nothing to feel bad about and I don't feel that it reflects badly upon me at all.

Of course, if you're less selective about who you sleep with, there may be a greater cause for concern, but then that's probably the root problem (HAHAHAHA PUN), not someone being awful enough to ask about it. Either that or you're cool with the decisions you've made and have no regrets of your own - but still worry about what others think of you, though that would just be silly.

Edit: clipped sentence.

 

[Enteebee]

Just as... like a question to get to know someone better. Dom's probably correct, they might partially want to know how liberal you are not because it's like a moral issue to them, but so they know what you might like. Some people might be doing it because they think you're worth less if you've slept with more guys and that whatever feelings you both have for each other can't be as true as if you were both virginesque, these people are wankers and if they're asking these questions for these reasons they might as well fuck off anyway.

 

[Ennaybur]

Yeah it's not like 'OMG HOW DARE YOU ASK ME'. I just don't think that type of thing is anyone's business (but that's just my personal view).

The people that I'd spoken to were all like 'well you have to know how many people they've been with to know if they can be trusted', rather than just a curious background thing. And the other part of it was that they implied they wouldn't be with someone if they didn't know.

Quote: 'I'd want to know if they were the type of person who was hooking up every weekend because I don't think that type of person would be able to be in a monogamous relationship'

Well, you'd kinda know by their personality and behaviour more than any numbers or names right?


edit: oh and I think that for the girls (they weren't very experienced.. in life or men) they would just be hurt and jealous and insecure if they actually knew how many girls their guy had slept with.

 

[Enteebee]

tbh I can't see why you'd be so standoffish about it... unless you actually felt, like them, that the names and numbers were something important, or at the very least you must understand yourself why they might be important to them. I don't think they're important at all so I'd give them away to someone I liked who felt they were, I'd just think they're a bit of a dick for finding it important themselves.

 

[Ennaybur]

Like I said, I'm not so adamant about not telling, I just a) don't think it's a necessary conversation to have (which is why i was surprised at so many people saying it was), and b) I'm just not the kind of person to kiss and tell. Of course some of my friends know things, but if some guy I was dating demanded I tell him everything that would just make me want to dump him for being .... idk I'd probably consider insecure.

 

[Enteebee]

He might think you're insecure for not wanting to tell him.

 

[Ennaybur]

nah

 

[ogmzergrush]

Like I said, I'm not so adamant about not telling, I just a) don't think it's a necessary conversation to have (which is why i was surprised at so many people saying it was), and b) I'm just not the kind of person to kiss and tell. Of course some of my friends know things, but if some guy I was dating demanded I tell him everything that would just make me want to dump him for being .... idk I'd probably consider insecure.

It's true, the issue is probably more why they're asking than why you are hesitant to tell. If they're asking because it's a big deal to them, they're knobheads or fifteen year olds. If it's just in passing, or an I want to know more about you thing, I wouldn't see it as a big deal. Certainly wouldn't call it neccessary, although I can see it causing problems if one person does think it's important and the other refuses to come to the party on it.

Thinking about it some more now, I'm wondering how exactly the conversation would go. Listing people off is awfully lacking in class (as is the question framed as such), but then a number is obviously lacking in detail and:
(a) wouldn't really satisfy the purpose of the exercise (assuming it was to get to know more about your past), plus
(b) would place the entire focus on the most potentially "offensive" (for people that way inclined) part of the issue.

I guess the idea would be to explain the context surrounding each person, so there's slightly more depth to the discussion than recounting your scorecard. With that in mind, I think a far more appropriate way to ask in the first place would be to talk about old relationships (which is in itself another potentially 'hard' subject if both people aren't interested in full disclosure, or have different reasons for asking), leaving the "WHICH ONES DID YOU HAVE SEX WITH!?" to assumption.

Of course, if there's sex outside relationships things are less tidy, and I don't know how you get around that without hiding people or being overly specific. Maybe what I'm thinking is that "tell me about your previous relationship(s)" is all-round a more appropriate question in terms of offense caused as well as being relevant, while "how many people have you had sex with?" is altogether rude and largely pointless in the first place. Initially I didn't really make this distinction in my mind, as it's something I don't/wouldn't do (or contemplate discussing or asking about, should I change my mind). The relationships topic seems reasonable to me, whilst the other reads more like "so, do you sleep around much?" and has entirely different connotations.

 

[Ennaybur]

You pretty much hit the nail on the head for all of the points.

and also brought up (what I thought) was one of the key points of the discussions: why would you ask about your bf/gfs past relationships? It just seems like you want to get hurt (edit: this is actually aimed at the girls more)

"oh hey yeah I went out with this girl before you. We were so in love and I thought she was the one, and then she cheated on me...etc"

um, why would you force someone to tell you something like that?

 

[ogmzergrush]

For me, I think if I was to ask it'd be purely out of interest - Maybe it's a matter of perspective, I'm not sure.

Looking at it in my case, in any future relationships that I might have, I know I'd feel uncomfortable not telling them about my current one. I think it's been fairly formative (and accounts for the last eight years of my life), and for that reason just seems like it'd be fundamental for someone interested in getting to know me to be aware of. I like to think that should this situation ever arise, I'd be comfortable in knowing that it was time well spent, and letting my the person in on something that's gone a long way towards shaping my views on all sorts of things, relationships themselves and more broadly. Additionally, at a very superficial level, I'd hope that being able to disclose past relationships which account for a significant portion of my life would demonstrate some level of maturity, assuring prospective future partner in that regard.

I can see that it's potentially painful to think about your partner having been with other people, but by this point the chance that they haven't is relatively minimal (and will continue to decrease as we get older). I think it's important to be honest with yourself and your partner about that particular thought, and basically just feel like it's worth getting over any lingering jealousy or regret about previous relationships in order to be able to openly share what you've gained from them.