Yes I'm bored... but more to the point, I want to exact revenge on the people who were hell bent on censoring Honi Soit- its our right to publish and read what we want dammit!!!!!!
“Why my iPod is better than a girlfriend”
by Spencer Harding
Recently I purchased an iPod. The first friend that I saw while strolling down Eastern Avenue after this fantastic occasion, having spotted my white earbuds immediately shouted “you got an iPod! You fat f*ck!” an kicked me in the shin.
I however, couldn’t have cared less… well other that, that is, the moment before where I was equally elated about my iPod ownership, and not in any pain.
The point is, however, that a feeling of joy and contentment had washed over me the moment I put those darling (ear)buds of may into my ears… the void in my life that I had until that point attributed to my lack of girlfriend, active social life, religion, visible career path o prospects was filled. Suddenly, I was complete. I had achieved a Zen-like calm and acceptance of the way things are… why? Because suddenly, things are great.
I’m not a materialistic person, the only things I ever get the urge to buy are books, computer parts… and chips with gravy at the Manning canteen, but that’s another story. However, somehow, this tiny box of digital joy makes me happy in ways that I have hitherto not experienced. This revelation led me to the question: is my iPod the perfect companion? Is it, in fact, better than a girlfriend?
Now, I don’t want anyone thinking that this in[sic] an indictment of my ex girlfriends. I still like them, all of them (not that that is saying much), in fact. I really do. Actually, if any of them are reading this, and feel like giving me a call – please do; as I’m sure you can guess from this article (or from first hand experience), I’m single at the moment.
Enough of that digression though. This isn’t supposed to be some sort of attempt to get me a girlfriend (Interested applicants please email
SpankHoni@hotmail.com) it is, in fact, a serious study and comparison on the relative benefits of iPods and girlfriends.
Furthermore, any feminists wishing to complain about my “objectification” of women should know that the points in this article apply (for the most part) equally well to boyfriends/men – I’m an equal opportunity jerk. Besides; the fact is, I don’t view women as objects; they’re more like… commodities.
1. Now I, like many (but not enough) people am uncomfortable with PDA’s (Public Displays of Affection… I don’t have any problems with hand-held computers) mainly because I know how annoying to other people they are, especially when the “other people” is me, and “me” is single. In fact, this unwillingness to be expressive of my emotions may have lead to the early demise of some of my relationships. However, I have no problem with holding my iPod in public… or for that matter stroking, caressing or kissing it.
2. I have yet to meet a woman that can do a pitch perfect impression of the entire Wiener Philharmonkia [sic]
3. Show me a woman that can be switched from Kylie Minogue to Christina Aguilera.
4. Two words: Click Wheel. Click Wheels make everything better. You can invent a woman with a Click Wheel; you’ve got a better woman.
5. Design: Natural selection/God did a good job. Really, I’m very impressed with the results, love the whole “breasts” idea – truly inspired work… but nothing and no one can out-design the engineers at Apple
6. As time passes, iPods will have new features and capabilities. Girlfriends, however, have pretty much reached the limit of technical innovation.
7. My iPod doesn’t mind if I wake it up at 2am to play with it
8. Movies. Dinner. Theater. Opera. Bungy Jumping. Wherever you go together, you don’t have to pay to take your iPod with you.
9. It’s actually good for my iPod to wear either a skin tight latex suit or a form-fitting black leather number… all the time.
10. Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, you need some “me” time. iPod is the essence of “me” time.
11. People on the street don’t bother you if you have earphones in your ears, plus it makes it really easy to be an uncaring jerk if they do. In front of a girlfriend however, you have to be sympathetic, so that they’ll be fooled into thinking you’re actually a nice guy.
12. No matter how big their handbags are, girlfriends just can’t be used to transfer 40gb of files from one computer to another.
13. Just try putting your girlfriend in your pocket.
14. You can’t pause, rewind, fas-forward, mute or sort your girlfriend in easy to use categories.
15. You can’t buy an AppleCare extended warranty for relationships.
16. Stamina: with its 4th generation battery, my iPod can go for 12 hours straight.
17. If you use someone else’s iPod, no one gets hurt.
18. iPod users are a special group… When we see the white ear-phones, we like to give each other “ahh, you have an iPod, too” nods and smiles as we pass each other in the street. It’s somewhat disconcerting, however, if a guy gives you that smile-and-nod after seeing your girlfriend.
19. Girlfriends don’t come with a remote control.
20. You can have as many iPods as you want. You can have them at the same time. You can have them hanging upside down. You can have them on a plant, train, bus, care, coffee table or Falafel wagon… the possibilities are endless.
21. Backlight: because sometimes it’s dark.
22. I know exactly which buttons to push on my iPod, and I can touch them whenever I like…
23. Believe it or not, my iPod has, on occasion (thought manners that I will not explain… I need every advantage I can get…), helped me to “pick up”… Girlfriends, on the other hand, tend to be a hindrance to such activity.
24. People like to say to me (in a sage, “Just call me Socrates” kind of way) “Ahh, but you cannot sleep with your iPod!”… Well, the fact is, you can! It even has an alarm clock built in for such a purpose… If however, you’re talking about the “fun in your pants” kind of sleeping with… Well, changes are, right now, somewhere, someone is working on an accessory.
One final note, before I go; I’m not suggesting that iPods and girlfriends are incompatible. (On the contrary, girlfriends can be like a really good iPod accessory.. well except for the fact that you can’t really listen to your iPod while your girlfriend is around – it’s antisocial) I would love to have both at the same time. That would be the best possible situation. It’s every man’s fantasy. What I am saying though, is that if it comes down to it, pick the iPod… it’s the choice you won’t regret.
reproduced from Honi Soit, the publication of the Students Representative Council of the University of Sydney, 5th April 2005, pg 23.
Any feminists out there that don't like this - too bad.
