Cheating (3 Viewers)

[kami]

If someone cheated on me deliberately and secretively I would feel incredibly violated, humiliated and angry and I'd probably lash out (verbally) before severing the relationship permanently.

If it were something like a random kiss I'd still be upset but it'd be easier to cope with. In that instance a relationship is salvageable, in the original example: definitely not.

 

[glitterfairy]

That's disgusting and shows that you have zero respect for yourself and prospective partners.

If you have that attitude, why be in a relationship at all? I mean, if they can have the same relationships with other people, why bother having a boyfriend? Why not just have fuck-buddies and share the STDs around?

Alternatively he may not be into monogamy... I can't remember the name but there's a type of "gamy" where the partners love each other so much they allow them to date other people. It's not quite "swinging" but sort of like jugging two relationships, and you can be married in one of them?!

I acknowledge that some people are like this and are happy within it, but I also acknowledge the fact I'm not one of these people and I'd prefer to date someone who has the same appreciation of monogamy as I do

 

[ujuphleg]

^^ The term you're looking for is polyarmory, where you allow your partner to love other people.

In the original example, the cheating is totally unexceptable, because of the intent behind it. Its calculated and its done with a long thought process drawn out with plenty of time to think about how you are hurting your partner. Definatley done in an instant for sure.

Drunk kissing - not necessarily right, but still salvagable.

I think its healthy for people to appreciate other peoples beauty so in the example above about seeing people and commenting on their beauty is fine, but again, lewd "Oh my god I want to fuck him/her so badly" is not on.

 

[xeuyrawp]

I acknowledge that some people are like this and are happy within it, but I also acknowledge the fact I'm not one of these people and I'd prefer to date someone who has the same appreciation of monogamy as I do

Relativism much?

 

[KeypadSDM]

That's disgusting and shows that you have zero respect for yourself and prospective partners.

If you have that attitude, why be in a relationship at all? I mean, if they can have the same relationships with other people, why bother having a boyfriend? Why not just have fuck-buddies and share the STDs around?

Devil's advocate, AND YOU BIT THE FREAKING HOOK. Quit talking.

...but again, lewd "Oh my god I want to fuck him/her so badly" is not on.

You draw the line there, others may not. I'd prefer to know what my sexual partner wants. If their wants aren't in line with what I can give [and hence they're just "dealing with what they can get"], I've got to ditch the bitch.

 

[azzie]

if someone cheated on me, they would be dumped for SURE, as soon as i found out. and I wouldnt want to talk to them, see them or hear from them ever again.

i didnt think much of cheating when i was younger but now i've realised what a big issue it is. its not worth your time being with someone who does that to you.

 

[Bubblewrap]

This is something I've put alot of thought into over the past year or so. I have been cheated on before but have also 'cheated' in a sense too. My boyfriend and I had a small break (for around 6 weeks) in the middle of last year and in that time I hooked up with a few other guys. However, when my boyfriend and I started getting a LOT closer again and I was still seeing the other guys it FELT like cheating, although technically it wasn't. What I'm trying to say is that I think alot of things get labelled 'cheating' unfaily which has hugely negative connotations, despite (perhaps) not being such a henious offence as many of us (and the other people in this thread) believe it to be.

Having been in that situation I would say this:

1/ It's all well and good to get up on your high horse and yell that anyone who cheats is a lying manipulative bastard and deserved to be dumped, but you can't possibly pass a judgement like that until you understand each individual situation and have been on both sides of the fence yourself. Of course society tells us that cheating is a terrible thing to do and in some ways that is true - it breaks fundamental trust/created doubt in the other persons mind/creates resentment, embarrassment etc etc. BUT on the other hand, sometimes people are simply put in positions where they lose their sense of perspective through no fault of their own and feel terrible afterwards - should they really be held accountable?

2/ Trust is way more important than excessively strict adherence to the 'rules of relationships' as laid down by social mores. I've still been with that same guy for over a year now and though we've had issues we've been honest with each other and talked it through and I have a much more developed and mature relationship with him for having stuck it out and not simply walked away when something went wrong. There is something to be said for being able to work through these things.

NB: At the same time, if my boyfriend cheated on me in a planned/repeated/systematic way with someone he had feelings for, that would be an entirely different story. But people make mistakes.

3/ Who here only things that cheating is bad because Cosmo says so??

We need to learn to be more open minded about the issue.

 

[Led-Zep]

To the above post, to discuss your 3rd point, i dont think cheating is bad becuase of cosmo or society. My opinion on cheating is, and it is different for all, that it is just not tolerated, in any situation. If the two people are in love and one person cheats on the other what excuse can be given? unless that other person was abusive or just a really shitty partner i see no excuse for cheating. To me being cheated on means that person does not truly care for the other, if they did then why would they cheat. And also being drunk is not an excuse, i have been so blindly drunk that i knew what was going on, under any type of influence is not an excuse to cheat. And the fact that "oh it was only a kiss" is not a valid argument. That person still was with someone else. That breaks the trust in the relationship. If i was to be cheated upon by a kiss or whatever, that relationship would be other. period. because to truly love someone and care for them, you would never cheat. Thats just what i think of the matter.

 

[murphy54]

If you love you should give her a chance..you you have children....but if you do not you are free like a bird

 

[jessicacissej]

To the above post, to discuss your 3rd point, i dont think cheating is bad becuase of cosmo or society. My opinion on cheating is, and it is different for all, that it is just not tolerated, in any situation. If the two people are in love and one person cheats on the other what excuse can be given? unless that other person was abusive or just a really shitty partner i see no excuse for cheating. To me being cheated on means that person does not truly care for the other, if they did then why would they cheat. And also being drunk is not an excuse, i have been so blindly drunk that i knew what was going on, under any type of influence is not an excuse to cheat. And the fact that "oh it was only a kiss" is not a valid argument. That person still was with someone else. That breaks the trust in the relationship. If i was to be cheated upon by a kiss or whatever, that relationship would be other. period. because to truly love someone and care for them, you would never cheat. Thats just what i think of the matter.

I completly agree, I see no excuse for cheating.
There is always the chance of working through the relationship, but all the trust and communication built up between your partner and yourself would be broken down to the extream.

 

[ur_inner_child]

When you do anything that hurts a relationship, even things like buying extravagent gifts for your partner's friends and hug them, sit on their lap each time you see them etc - its not cheating but it hurts the relationship. Anyone that respects a relationship with their heart would do nothing to even give it a bruise.

This is why I find it ridiculous when people attempt to step all over the grey line of cheating. "stef, i didn't cheat on your friend, i just laid on top of this girl for a lil while, we did nothing"

 

[sparkl3z]

When you do anything that hurts a relationship, even things like buying extravagent gifts for your partner's friends and hug them, sit on their lap each time you see them etc - its not cheating but it hurts the relationship. Anyone that respects a relationship with their heart would do nothing to even give it a bruise.

This is why I find it ridiculous when people attempt to step all over the grey line of cheating. "stef, i didn't cheat on your friend, i just laid on top of this girl for a lil while, we did nothing"

lol
i agree with u again here.

 

[tara04]

babblewrap... interesting points!!!

i have cheated on someone...and let me just say it right here right now im not proud of it...Ive torn myself up about it been depressed bout it and its not worth it!!!! usually but....

the guy who i cheated with...is now my bf and i have never been so happy...we been 2gether 4 a while and they say u kno when he is the right one i didnt believe in this b4 but now i do...i can honestly say i can see a future with him.

So i guess wat im gettin 2 is..yeah cheating is wrong....but before u label sum1 a slut or nething 4 cheating you ahve to look at why they did it...if it was a fling sure....but you dont kno that...

 

[denise_]

my intolerance levels towards cheating are extremely high. I believe the idea of "once a cheater, always a cheater". So if i was put in your situation, I'd leave the relationship. You've been going out for a substantial amount of time and this person just ignores everything and decides to..cheat on you? It's like the worst kind of betrayal i can think of.

Also, i don't necessarily like the idea of staying with someone who has once cheated on me. Why? Because of the possibility of them doing it again. If they have gone out of your way to upset you, what are the chances of them doing it again? There's no point staying in a relationship that lacks trust? There are just no excuses.

If i was really into someone, cheating would not be something i'd consider.. ever!

how to sum it up... bruises fade but the pain remains the same?

 

[withoutaface]

Hey all,
i was just came across this scenario the other day and was just wondering what the general consensus was.

You've been going out with your partner for over a year. You are really happy with the relationship, and you believe your partner is.

They however have a "friend" who lives over and hour away, and plan for this friend to come to them without your knowledge of it. your partner then cheats on you

Question?
1. What would you do in this situation?
2. how far is too far? as in at what stage would you break up with them.

I would have the perpetrator hung, drawn and quartered. Not because they cheated on me, but because they planned it and lied about it.

 

[stazi]

Hey all,
i was just came across this scenario the other day and was just wondering what the general consensus was.

You've been going out with your partner for over a year. You are really happy with the relationship, and you believe your partner is.

They however have a "friend" who lives over and hour away, and plan for this friend to come to them without your knowledge of it. your partner then cheats on you

Question?
1. What would you do in this situation?
2. how far is too far? as in at what stage would you break up with them.

ohhh i just figured out that you're gay. only gay people use the term 'partner'. this i found out from a tvshow.

 

[KeypadSDM]

... BUT on the other hand, sometimes people are simply put in positions where they lose their sense of perspective through no fault of their own and feel terrible afterwards - should they really be held accountable?

This can be interpreted in 2 ways. One, they were forced into cheating, which is rape or assault. The latter, and probably the one you're referring to, is not dissimilar to someone pleading insanity to a murder charge.

What happens to them? Ideally they're rehabilitated.

This applies to cheaters too. If you have the ability to lose perspective, should you really persue a relationship? You're accountable for all your actions, and if you can't be held accountable in some circumstances, then you're not ready for a relationship.

 

[Darkening]

my intolerance levels towards cheating are extremely high. I believe the idea of "once a cheater, always a cheater". So if i was put in your situation, I'd leave the relationship. You've been going out for a substantial amount of time and this person just ignores everything and decides to..cheat on you? It's like the worst kind of betrayal i can think of.

Also, i don't necessarily like the idea of staying with someone who has once cheated on me. Why? Because of the possibility of them doing it again. If they have gone out of your way to upset you, what are the chances of them doing it again? There's no point staying in a relationship that lacks trust? There are just no excuses.

If i was really into someone, cheating would not be something i'd consider.. ever!

how to sum it up... bruises fade but the pain remains the same?

So once a slut allways a slut???
Should i be scared of my girlfriend then? she use to be a slut but promiced me shed change, and i believe her. Dude.... so not nice

 

[KeypadSDM]

So once a slut allways a slut???
Should i be scared of my girlfriend then? she use to be a slut but promiced me shed change, and i believe her. Dude.... so not nice

Lol, dating a slut, good luck with that.

 

[stazi]

lol someone can't just promise they won't be a slut anymore. if she's cheated on all her exes, then its likely she will do it again with you.