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Help with extension one essay (1 Viewer)

imattsson

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Nov 23, 2015
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2016
I was wondering if anybody could help me with my essay at all, I have written it but every time I hand one in, taking on the feedback my teacher has given me for previous essays, I never seem to get the mark I hope for.

This is for extension english one, within the after the bomb elective.
thanks guys!

Anything is helpful!View attachment ext response.pdf
 

strawberrye

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Some quick comments, I had a quick glance over this essay and I think your waiting for Godot paragraph is written fairly well. However one of the biggest problem you have is structure-the paragraphs don't and shouldn't contain two texts and it is too clunky to read. Also in your introduction and first paragraph you frequently use the word 'evident'-this is highly not recommended in an essay, because think about it, if something is 'evident' then what analytical thinking do you require to point out what is already 'evident', whole point of critical analysis is to analysis what is hidden and not so apparent.

Secondly, your analysis in terms of context are not specific enough, for example, if you want to talk about subjugation of women or what not-you need to highlight a specific social norm of the time that shows woman was subjugated-i.e. they didn't have the right to a fault free divorce for example? And also what is surprising is not necessarily from the reception of the text during its time-but from its innovative form that is non-paradoxical to everything before it. Further, you haven't really connected critics view to the rest of your paragraph, it looks like you merely just inserted critics for the sake of padding more information rather than showing the relevance of it in the context of your argument. Another really big mistake you made is the use of dialogue in a film-is a very bad choice of technique, and to use it twice in the same paragraph, a severe misjudgment. Try to have deeper analysis of interactions, e.g. 'incongruous dialogue' for example.

Through the use of dialogue and a close-shot, the composer makes evident the personal disenchantment of the younger generation as a result of the political construction of the roles in the traditional household. -This is one of many examples where your context is not specific, i.e. political construction of roles in traditional household-what does that mean? What is the political construction of roles? Dominant? subservient role of whom? Evidence to back it up by contextual events?

To address the surprising and challenging ways in which composers make evident the interplay between the personal and political, one must draw their attention to the affair between Benjamin and Mrs Robinson,-the word address is misplaced-you are not 'addressing', it is highlighting how composers are responding to the disillusionment of the era with surprising and challenging ways of presenting their concerns, whether through satire/humour (which arguably would have been much more sophisticated techniques than merely shot discussion without something additional).

Also in your very first sentence of your essay-you didn't actually contextualise the after the bomb module-i.e. contextualise it as a part of composers responding to the significant transformation in social and political paradigms during the geo-political ideological warfare of America and Russia-and so the lack of SPECIFIC context makes this sound like a comparative essay/intertextual perspective essay rather than a extension one essay. Don't go back and forth with the two poems, discuss one, then discuss the other one-you don't need to spend much time on interplay between the poems, you need to focus on their relevance to the ideas prevalent in the after the bomb module relevant to the question you are asking.

Hope this helps a bit.
 

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