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Is my short story any good? (1 Viewer)

lot44

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hey guys, would people be able to help me, i have absolutely no idea if my short story is any good. if i could get some critique it would be great... and hopefully before friday
 

*Baby-K*

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Hey,

Your story is good, however I am not entirely sure if it fits into physical journeys. My teacher had told me that a physical journey involves someone moving from place A to place B (whether he/she is moving countries or just going down to the shops is irrelevant), it should involve an obstacle (ie. character is moving countries, when he/she gets to the airport, he loses his passport) and the description of the outcome- what the character learns once he overcomes this obstacle (ie. broadens his/her appreciation of the world, learns more about himself etc). At the moment I would say that your story is more emotional journey or perhaps even an inner journey of how your character moves on emotionally after the death of her brother. I hope that helps.

PS. i may not be entirely right
 

lot44

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hey thanks, i actually didn't mean to put it int he physical journeys thing... its not supposed to be a physical journey.. haha if it is i'm screwed. but thanks
 

Absolutezero

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Your opening is reasonably effective, as is your ending line. The main problem I find with it is the narrative voice. It can be hard to work out who the narrator of the story is.l I suggest reconfiguring the middle sections, in particular the "There's a sound..." part. You need to make the character jump more fluid.

I also think the "I guess I've changed..." paragraph needs some work. For more it seems like you've slipped into trying to tell the marker that it is a journey text. Strong stories won't need to blantantly state the fact.

I do like the start of the "People must think..." section. It's an unusual style, but it works effectively.

Overall, it is a decent story, it just needs a bit of tuning here and there.
 

hairej1

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*Baby-K* said:
Hey,

Your story is good, however I am not entirely sure if it fits into physical journeys. My teacher had told me that a physical journey involves someone moving from place A to place B (whether he/she is moving countries or just going down to the shops is irrelevant), it should involve an obstacle (ie. character is moving countries, when he/she gets to the airport, he loses his passport) and the description of the outcome- what the character learns once he overcomes this obstacle (ie. broadens his/her appreciation of the world, learns more about himself etc). At the moment I would say that your story is more emotional journey or perhaps even an inner journey of how your character moves on emotionally after the death of her brother. I hope that helps.

PS. i may not be entirely right
hey thanks for that .. even though u werent even replying to my question.. i havnt made a prepared creative story and am just planning on making it up on the spot in the exam .. going in wiht a few ideas of what my teacher has said.. bu yea it helps to know thanks 2 you but my story has to involve ..
thanks
 

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