Rate my Belonging Story (2 Viewers)

[blopblop]

Got all the insight I need for now, thanks.

 

[boxhunter91]

Your not doing yourself any favours by posting this up.

 

[blopblop]

You serious?? People are so sad as to steal it??

 

[Sean432]

It's like 50 words whose gonna steal it

 

[blopblop]

Loads of people put up there stories anyway. I'll delete it soon, just need some critics.

 

[ajdlinux]

I think your link to belonging is a bit too obvious, but that's just my opinion. Did you write this in response to any stimulus?

 

[lynton]

Hey i like your story. The only problem is i did something similar with Wombats and their dislocation as a result from deforestation. My teacher hated it. She gave me like 5/15 and i thought it was soo good. But i guess it depends how you mould it to the question?

 

[blopblop]

Part of it was, I just adapted my story from my trials - stimulus was about a cottage or something but I left that out. I suppose its kinda ordinary. I scored 9/15 for this.

 

[annabackwards]

Too cliched and the link to belonging is way too obvious for my taste, 8/15.

My suggestion is to try and think of another plot if possible or put more descriptions in your current story.

I hope i'm not being too scathing XD

 

[greenie1113]

i wouldnt give this story more than a 7
im not trying to be mean or sound bitchy or whatever so sorry if it sounds that way
but the story just didnt go anywhere... you repeated yourself far too many times
n you made the whole belonging concept way to obvious
its also abit short ..
i liked the general idea though
im just giving you things i think you should improve

good luck

 

[tku336]

It's a bit overwritten, and the topic doesn't allow you any subtlety.

 

[blopblop]

Keep in mind I am in standard, but I totally understand what your all trying to say. I don't really think I have time to make a whole new story, so if I make it more descriptive do you think I have a better chance of getting a higher mark??

 

[H4rdc0r3]

shotgun this story for my belonging creative. thanks.

 

[Brontecat]

I think it could have maybe been explored a bit deeper and maybe making it a bit more succinct would create a bit more excitement.
e.g. "When suddenly, this beast appeared before me, ripping furious waves as it angrily approached me."
Suddenly, the beast appeared before me.....
"they had enjoyed every minute of my misery."
They enjoyed...

I quiet liked it, especially how you began without actually mentioning that it was about whales. It really drew me in, making me feel as if i were that person. Then, to suddenly find that it was about a whale really made me empathise with the Orca's plight.

The comments are just my opinion and probably reflect my writing style, so just go with what you think might relate to you.
Also i agree with Greenies comments, taking this in account would considerably boost your story.

 

[blopblop]

hahah very funny hardcore idiot, but its mine

 

[blopblop]

Ok, I'll think I'll add a bit more excitement and get rid of all the boring bits. Also, do you think its too short??

 

[Aquawhite]

It's too over the top - the connection to belonging needs to be implicit throughout and only have small hints of explicit link to belonging. As if you're telling a completely random story but it's "real" and believeable... something the reader can engage in that isn't of epic proportions...

6-7/15

 

[greenie1113]

hahah very funny hardcore idiot, but its mine

haha
oh the joys of posting one's work online


hehe
yeah i think its too short
but i dunno. have you tried writting it with a time limit n all that??

 

[HMF]

I think that it's very teenage angst, tad clichéd which is just not "creative" in regards to the BOS. It looks like you have worked hard, but maybe if you shown not told the story it may flow better?

 

[blopblop]

Yer online joys.... I have tried writing in a time limit and it pretty much filled the time exactly, maybe a little under.

I might develop the concept of two species unable to live in harmony a bit more and perhaps change the ending, everything always dies off at the end.