This story will change your life for the 'Greatest'. (1 Viewer)

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Well... reading your first post on this thread really did invigorate me. It's been a while since i've experienced/ seen that much passion and I admire it greatly. AIE's a great place and I wish you luck.

Not to put a damper or anything but surely being a "ubermensch", you have seen a person... die right. Im sure the inevitability of death hits you in the face like a brick wall then right. What do you think?

I didn’t know what I was saying back then. I just got excited with an idea I had and thought I have the blueprints was good enough to consider as ‘experience’.
However, now, I have an ideal of my own, and I realise what it takes to become anyone I wish to be.
Surprisingly, it doesn’t take just hard work and dedication, it takes a very specific realisation about how the human mind works, [I say the ‘human’ mind, and not your own ‘personal’ mind, because ultimately, when you observe yourself AND others, no matter how similar or different, everything is related. So, if it’s related, then it means that our minds, healthy or broken, can be the same, (so long as you don’t have anything removed from it that is - but honestly, even then, your intuitive side should still be able to naturally persevere, since even an ant can make a living for example, it’s just our intellect, a single dimension out of a multitude of what makes up overall intelligence, that confuses us based on the conclusion/delusions we make for ourselves, rather than using our intuitive observations to make judgements based around ABSOLUTE TRUTH).], that realisation being that you can literally DECIDE in that MOMENT, to become the person you want to be. Have enough moments like that, and overtime it’ll become your identity.
As some proof of need be, the decision can be made after the sub-realisation that the past doesn’t exist in the real world, only the present. The past is a memory, a conclusion, a value, an identity - any of these, which probably from your own experience, if you’re still emotionally attached to it, is most likely, (unless if you are simply reminiscing, rather than defining what can and cannot happen because of these many singular experiences) self limiting.
So, just make sure that your identity isn’t self limiting in any dimension/aspect of life, which is best structured when striving for your idea of The Ideal.
My Ideal is something that’s hard to articulate, even for me, the creator of the persona, but mostly because I’m still trying to self insert into such an otherworldly being.
I’ve gotten ever closer thankfully as the days go on, and I’ve been at it for about 3-4 months now.
I figured out ‘the ideal’ thanks to a song I listened to with a particular image.
For some of you anime watchers, the best way to sum it up is basically Ayanakoji, fr fr.

Anyways, I’m going back in time on these old forum posts at the moment because I’m planning to leave BOS after a nice irl meetup I did two days ago (it feels like 1 day ago, since it’s 1:38AM at the moment I am typing this), to do just that, become my ideal.
I hope that over these school holidays and countless days alone in my room, I can replace the shackles that my memories and conclusions have over me, and become the person that I want, in mind, body, and spirit.
My reason for doing this:
…
Should I even say it?
What if someone in the future reads my past online ‘diary entries’, and realises that I planned this from the start?
…
Wait, give me a moment…
…
..
.

 

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You are devoid of humanity

The Evil Jimmy Smith, no kidding.

 

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Anyways, now that I am briefly back, allow me to catch you guys up on what has happened a bit:
I have been studying art and game design.
I can make manga now, as well as program.
I’ve made a couple of video games now, all of which are 3D.
I’ve got a back list of tutorials to follow, which are being lessened now as I go through them.
I quit Instagram, anime, manga, and playing games, and now I’m reading lightnovels, h.p. lovecraft, and bulking up my body 4 days a week.
Life’s fun, and I’ve now got people to hang out with every lunch (the people in the art department, not those in my class still).
Also, my mum is a hypnotist, and just yesterday, for a brief moment, I was normal again (because of a hypnosis related event).
My brother is becoming a UFC boxer also.
And my dad is hungry.

ok, that’s what’s happened to me since the last time I was on here.

I actually obsessed with that normality I mean ruined with the hypnosis technique.
The technique was to grab you tongue, which is directly connected to the verbal thinking/articulate/non-intuitive part of the mind.
The normality is something called ‘stillness’, which is basically the state you are in throughout childhood where you simple ‘be’. It’s hard to put into words, but basically imagine how your life would be like with amnesia. The level of presentness and observation without assessment is freaking amazing and emotionally sensitive.
What that taught me is that your intellect is like a cutting instrument. You use it to dissect things, but it takes the ‘life’ out of it. If you want to live life, you have to stop using the intellect for everything. It’s a great tool, but only use it when necessary. I literally cut up everything I saw, and that’s why I was depressed for 5 years.
My emotions are coming back to the level it was pre-psychoanalysis, but it’s taking a while, since breaking a 5 year habit that prevented a sense of presentness is really hard to break.
I’m glad to say that I’m probably now spending about 5% of my waking day, each day, in the intuitive side of my brain when observing the world, not the intellectual. That means I still have another 45% at least before a have a REASONABLE balance, but 5% compared to 0% is an insanely noticeable difference.
Yes, the mind can do many things, and intelligence is made up of IQ AND other ‘stuff’. That ‘stuff’ is hard to articulate since it’s not logical, but you can experience it, so it does exist. Use that, and you can influence the other parts of your intelligence I’ve noticed, (basically, I’m saying that this is literally THE way to increase your IQ.).
I’m saying this though firsthand experience, however, I have also be studying yogic science through this guy on YouTube called ‘Sadhguru’ to better help me articulate it.
Honestly, without him, I would have forgotten all about those experiences, and I would have been as good as dead for the rest of my life until something out of my control drastically happened to me.
Anyways, that’s what has been going on with me lately, and I’ve been practicing on regaining my emotional sensitivity through hyper immersive daydreams, just as I did when I was alone and had nothing around me to do 5 years ago.
Seriously, those were the best moments of my life, as I KNEW I could do anything.
I even wanted to create SAO and find my soul mate within 2 years of gruelling effort, but soon after I became too obsessed with psychoanalysis, so the spark was short lived, even though those past dreams are still logically respected to this day, although they aren’t empathised with…
I’LL GET THERE! I PROMISE!!!

 

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Ok… now that I’ve gotten going through everything to reflect on in this forum… it’s time to… only NOW start to think about whether I should share my dream or not, (I got distracted, but I guess it was worth sharing those extra points with the world in the end.).
…
..
.

 

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Calm and relentless.

 

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Desire comes in the following 3 potential forms:
- passion
- devotion
- rage

 

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Each of these forms have their own unique sub forms. One is worst, one is better.
However, the worst can be seen as the better if your perspective is built on delusions. It doesn’t even have to be a strong delusion, it just has to be believable.

 

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As for which of the three forms my Ideal self uses, it really can be any, but ultimately, it’s used for a singular desire:
Freedom

 

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Us humans strive to break more and more limitations. Even kings want to be the king of the world. And even the king of the world wants to be the king of everything.

 

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Freedom.
That’s my dream.
But it’s too general of an explanation, and as for what specific type of freedom my ideal desires, it’s even too hard for me to say.

 

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However, before I move onto what type of freedom my ideal self wants, I need to first connect the first piece of the puzzle:
What is the form does my desire come from?

 

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It used to be rage, and it was a powerful, exciting feeling, but my world is now disgustingly peaceful, so I can’t rely on the same type of rage.
However as I said, there are sub-forms.

 

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…
This is going to require a daydream for me to articulate to myself.
I keep rediscovering and losing it for whatever reason. It’s just so above me this character/persona I’m trying to take on that it literally gives me memory loss.
I actually used to swap out my persona during HighSchool every year, it was fun. When I was at my peak, I was really damn close to the ideal I have articulated to myself in my head now too, (again, to all those anime watchers, just think of Ayanakoji for now, but on the level of pulling the strings for the entire world, not just some classroom - based on what I know of him right now. I’m literally watching the anime for research at the moment.).

 

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… I’ve been so dumb.
I literally said I can decide to become The Ideal.
So, once I do that, though instinctive hyper self-insertion, I can go through the motions of how the ideal would approach attempting to achieve their dream.
However, I’ve thought of this before already, but again, it’s one of those things I get memory lose on.
It’s a really tricky character to self insert into, but I have done it before.
I just have to imagine I have “The Eyes”, that’s usually a good trigger for me.
…
Ok, I’m doing it right now, and all of a sudden my mood has become more… calculative?
No, it’s a sense of certainty.
Of course, I can dissect things and analyse them within this state, but at least I am certain about myself, so I have a sense of calmness, while also performing tasks relentlessly in tandem.
(That’s what I was referring to at the start, we have now made full circle.)

 

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As another honesty post, The Ideal I have come up with originated from the image of my future wife.
From the time when I was 14, I reached a point in my life where I had to rely on imaginary friends to survive, but thanks to this desperation to live, my imagination grew so sharply, that I was able to, at will, literally believe I was living in the perfect world I created in my mind whenever I so pleased.
I spend a lot of time there, and after I learnt what love was thanks to anime and waifus, it was like a princess and shining armour. That’s when I came up with the idea of my future wife.
I would have died without the idea of her, literally. So, that’s why I’m so obsessive with meeting her one day, I not only want to marry her, but I also want to thank her.

Now that context is out of the way, the image of my future wife was always someone who would be someone who would make me feel understood and truly loved by another. I’ve yet to experience such feelings for or from anyone at such a genuine level, which is also why I haven’t fallen in love or had a girlfriend yet. I’m waiting for ‘the one’, and the one by my own definition is someone who can make me feel a certain way about them, and make my life feel certain way that it wouldn’t without them.

The evolution took many forms, but the pattern seems to be the same amongst all the images I have given her:
Beautiful.
Genuine.
Enjoys the little things.
Normal, not in a cultural sense but in a wholistic sense.
Understands her and my unlimited potential.
Craves for adventure.
Romantic.
Calculative.
Certain.
Only sees things for the way they are, no conclusions to muddle the reality in front of them and ruin the experience.

 

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Overtime, the type of persona that she would have would change depending on the mood I was in or wanted to be in.
So it’s as though I had 500 different types of potential ‘future wife candidates’ in my mind.
However, it all boiled down to basically finding someone who would one day have the capabilities of giving me all those feelings, no matter how realistic or idealistic the situation - of course, I wouldn’t be disappointed if it didn’t fit the ideal, since I only expect what’s already infront of me to go in the most optimal, intimate response.

 

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Why am I giving away so much…
This is starting to feel wrong.
I might delete what I’ve written just now.

 

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Never mind, I’m keeping it there as proof that I made mistakes.
I keep slipping out of the decision to be my Ideal.
I’ll stay on track.

 

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I need time to figure this persona out some more. I don’t even know who I want to become in it’s entirety yet.
…
Actually, maybe it’s entirety is impossible, since this person is boundless.

 

[jordan c:]

WHAT IS GOING ON