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Can someone give an impression of my Creative piece? (1 Viewer)

Sanical

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I open my eyes; the lights are as bright and unbearable as the uncovered son on the hottest day. Who are these creatures swarming me like flies upon a fresh wound? Im frightened, like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, feeling powerless. There’s nowhere to go, held by a pale, long haired giant, as I scream, almost silently in this open room. Next, I am passed, like a football, along a line for the next being to hold me. As moments go by, I am finally taken away from these monstrous beings, into an open room filled with small fragile individuals like myself, I feel I belong here, but, faster than a cheetah running from extinction, I am captured again, and taken from the building where the bright lights instantly disappear, and I am left staring into the dark and lonely atmosphere, lonelier than the last leaf on a tree before winter begins. Where were they taking me? I thought, as we moved swiftly in a strange vehicle. To pass time, and avoid the fearful circumstances I was in, I closed my eyes and fell into a sleep deeper, than the end of sight. Hours later, as I awoke, lying in an enclosed bed, I again felt isolated and screamed as loud as my new voicebox would allow, I regret this though, because the same scary, pale skinned, long haired giant approached me and grasped me with her bare hands, I was an ant. She started feeding me, a warm white liquid that I slurped noisily and finished nearly instantly. I then began to feel as sick as a naked man in the Antarctic, the liquid came back out of my mouth like a rushing waterfall, what had this monster done to me? Was this liquid poisonous?
Again I was placed into the same bed where I slept until sunrise. I was then collected and freshly bathed in the warmest water. Soon after, there was a plethora of monsters surrounding me, holding me, and pressing there lips upon my cheek. Was this a ritual for the monsters before they execute their victims? The door opened, I was carried through a maze-like garden, along a never-ending footpath and towards waters as blue as the sky on a summer afternoon. Yes there were many other scary giants here, but some also carried smaller folk relatively identical to me. This is where a new found positivity came alive. Were these creatures’ not evil monsters after all? Were these negative thoughts simply visions of my deluded imagination? Possibly these rituals are of no malicious intent at all.
When we returned, I was held in front of a shining silver square, where I could see both myself and the long haired entity holding me in the reflection. She was speaking to me, although I couldn’t understand her directly, the crescent moon smile and angelic voice assisted my realisation that these giants were not monsters, they were friends. The lady holding me loves me unconditionally, and I was simply a younger, smaller version of the same species.
From here, we grew faster than vines, closer than pages in a book. As she feeds me the nutrients needed for sufficient development, I return a love warmer than the thickest blanket on a winter night. Our companionship will last for eternity, I didn’t belong at that large building where I first opened my eyes, I didn’t belong at the open blue waters where I found these positive feelings. I belonged here, at my home, with my mother who loves me more than words could describe
Bold --> Way too many similes. WAY too much. Some of them don't make sense and just hinder me in forming an image in my mind as there are so much irrelevant comparisons.
Underline --> It's alright to have an exaggeration here and there but damn, you have way too many.

Whatever is in bold and underlined just weakens the story to be honest. You've put so many similes and hyperboles that I've lost what you're trying to establish in the story and makes it unrealistic. Tbh, I'd never use these but rather more powerful strucutral techniques such as parallelism or even repetitive symbolism (motif) to carry a more sophisticated text.
Also, my teacher says not to enter the fantasy stories as it's usually not as sophisticated.

Mark 8-9+/15. Sorry, begins to look unsophisticated due to the amount of times you put similes/hyperboles. Can't even conjure an image in my mind of what was happening - you go form the hottest sun to Antarctica and I honestly had no idea what image I should be creating in my head. Good worth though.
 
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abc123yoyo

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OK the problem with your similes and metaphors are, too be frank not the greatest - as others say u dnt want to confuse other people reading ur creative piece, the best writers use similes as analogies, for example have you ever noticed that the way you trudge through the snow is a lot like the way you walk underwater? An effective metaphor would incorporate these similarities to add a layer of meaning - you could even use a motif i find motifs to be the simplest albeit most effective literary techniques under exam conditions, not that you would ever need to write a creative piece again i guess
 

chevlr

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why the fuck is everyone critiquing this??? the exam was earlier this week. srsly gtl mate and get over it
 

smartalec

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if that's a D then what would a poor standard kid who wrote about the new kid in school not belonging.
"I walked through the gates and saw there faces staring at me, like i was a shiny new toy'

a 2? doubt it.
 

Jaymay

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"we watched in silence as the soft light of daybreak radiated off the farm, breathing life into it as a lifesaver in his unclothed state kneels beside a drowned man and resuscitates him with two breaths per thirty compressions"
Fuck ME, Godlike
 

brettymaccc

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I'm gunna say 7-9.

Babies are too unsophisticated to experience belonging/not-belonging (at least when they're merely a few days old).

The reason it was so confusing for everyone was because babies can't speak - so if you write it from the head of a baby and don't make it obvious, people aren't going to suspect that it the voice is in fact from a baby.

As well, the plot goes from extreme storytelling to extreme description, it makes everything heavily disjointed and confusing.
 

engie_benji

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why the fuck is everyone critiquing this??? the exam was earlier this week. srsly gtl mate and get over it
Mate just posted it up to see what people thought and it turned into a bigger thread than i though.
 

anexasaved

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Ok, people have been fairly harsh with this...but really its not horrible. Around an 11?
I think it's important to understand that markers will be looking at this as a first draft written in exam conditions, and thus are not looking at stellar responses for a double digit score. My teacher, who is creative writing marking again this year, has tod us about some of the stuff he reads and its quite funny actually, this honestly isnt as bad as some things ive heard him say! I also think its important that a creative story doesn't have TOO much action in it, and i think this pieces' simple plot is probably a good balance. The idea is an interesting one. It does have links to the stimulus, there are multiple instances of "remembered places", although they aren't that clearly expressed. You leaving it to the end to tell us about the character being a baby is, i think, a positive, demonstrates subtlety in your writing style. Although mentioning "belonging" in the story detracts from it =/ And whilst you have overused the similes and motifs, i would commend you for their inventiveness.

But yea..its true that you've overdone it a lot, and its also true that it hinders the flow of your piece. I did say that minimalist plots can work well, but replacing it with description that is overwrought with tautology is really off-putting for the reader. You also haven't demonstrated any dynamism in your writing, its all an internal monologue - no direct speech or alternate scenes etc. The length isn't too bad, but i think you actually just did run out of things to talk about.... And finally, i think the main drawback is the fact that you wrote to write it from the perspective of the baby - its VERY VERY hard to replicate an authentic voice for a child, so this seems too mature and artificial (esp with some of the descriptive language!). And then there's all the "show not tell stuff etc."

But hey, I enjoyed reading it somewhat haha!
 

williamwu123

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wt wuld this have gt? didnt use it cos i had a better one though, but the other one's not typed up

I drifted through the tunnel of trees, sheltered from the night’s darkness. A dim light from the hilltop filtered through the branches, intensity rising every step I took. The light then separated into two, then four, now coming from the windows of a house. Closer I became, until I could feel the light splash against my cheeks. I stood outside the front gate, trying to make out the figures which moved about inside. I squinted my eyes and the windows were vignettes, of memory; memories of happier days emerged as laughter filled my ears. But the talking which followed had foreign accents. I glanced to the side and saw the neighbours disappear into their cars. The windows remained windows, and the figures were still only silhouettes. But what difference does that make? It was my home. My home which I had once shared with a family - now, no more than strangers in disguise.

I embraced the doors handle, my fingers curling around its cold brass metal. I shivered. The possibilities of what lay beyond the door leapt to the fore. With what seemed like all the strength I had left, I turned the handle. And as the handle turned I slowly pressed forward, to open the door of the home that I had missed so greatly. But there was nothing. It was locked. A blunt click of the handle, drowned in the feelings of that night, one year ago.

I looked down at my feet, searching for something. Something which I could hold with both arms and keep for more than a day. And all I found was myself. An image reflected in a pool of dirt and rain. My feet trembled earthquakes and my reflection suffered tidal waves; distorting until it was unrecognisable, it found its way through the cracks in the ground. Bare I stood.

And so I knocked. Finally. What more had I to lose? Besides, a man with nothing to live for is capable of anything. There was no reply and I didn’t expect one. But something made me wait. Some intangible sense of affinity I felt toward the gravity of my home.

And there was an answer. Careful footsteps approached the door as chains and bolts were undone. The door opened, releasing the full force of home. I stumbled backwards, overwhelmed, but leaned forwards with anticipation. The figure from the window now in the doorway, the warmth from within melting its coat of shadows away. It was my mother.

I tried to stand firm, but the Earth below me was moving again. And I tried to speak, but the noises I made never manifested into words. Mum’s mouth was slightly open, she looked as vulnerable as me, but her steely grey eyes told differently. Silence – my sight of her threatened by inevitable tears, each second that went by. I fought hard to save it. I had fought hard to save it. She was the one who had taken my home away from me that night, the one who refused to return the memories. And I wasn’t going to change.

So I fell back. A faint sound followed me, resembling a nickname my mother had once called. But I kept falling, into the darkness of the night, because it wasn’t for me. Anymore.
 

clementc

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Why did she kick them out? >=0 Was it like teenage pregnancy? LOL
 

chevlr

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Mate just posted it up to see what people thought and it turned into a bigger thread than i though.
ahhkkk i thought you were trying to improve your story. dw i'm sure it'll all go well, good luck :D
 

funkygirl59

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I'm honestly not trying to be mean or unfair or hyperbolic when I say that I reckon you'll get about a 5 at best. The similes in every sentence are so draining that we hardly get any forward narrative motion, it's too short, it has almost nothing to do with place except a forced reference at the end, and absolutely nothing to do with REMEMBERED places. Also the narrative voice is not only forced with all the random descriptions that don't even make sense (that cat's tails and rocking chairs? What the?) but implausible for a genuine baby's POV. Sorry mate.
 

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