- Sep 7, 2011
- In the middle of Little Italy
Bold --> Way too many similes. WAY too much. Some of them don't make sense and just hinder me in forming an image in my mind as there are so much irrelevant comparisons.I open my eyes; the lights are as bright and unbearable as the uncovered son on the hottest day. Who are these creatures swarming me like flies upon a fresh wound? Im frightened, like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, feeling powerless. There’s nowhere to go, held by a pale, long haired giant, as I scream, almost silently in this open room. Next, I am passed, like a football, along a line for the next being to hold me. As moments go by, I am finally taken away from these monstrous beings, into an open room filled with small fragile individuals like myself, I feel I belong here, but, faster than a cheetah running from extinction, I am captured again, and taken from the building where the bright lights instantly disappear, and I am left staring into the dark and lonely atmosphere, lonelier than the last leaf on a tree before winter begins. Where were they taking me? I thought, as we moved swiftly in a strange vehicle. To pass time, and avoid the fearful circumstances I was in, I closed my eyes and fell into a sleep deeper, than the end of sight. Hours later, as I awoke, lying in an enclosed bed, I again felt isolated and screamed as loud as my new voicebox would allow, I regret this though, because the same scary, pale skinned, long haired giant approached me and grasped me with her bare hands, I was an ant. She started feeding me, a warm white liquid that I slurped noisily and finished nearly instantly. I then began to feel as sick as a naked man in the Antarctic, the liquid came back out of my mouth like a rushing waterfall, what had this monster done to me? Was this liquid poisonous?
Again I was placed into the same bed where I slept until sunrise. I was then collected and freshly bathed in the warmest water. Soon after, there was a plethora of monsters surrounding me, holding me, and pressing there lips upon my cheek. Was this a ritual for the monsters before they execute their victims? The door opened, I was carried through a maze-like garden, along a never-ending footpath and towards waters as blue as the sky on a summer afternoon. Yes there were many other scary giants here, but some also carried smaller folk relatively identical to me. This is where a new found positivity came alive. Were these creatures’ not evil monsters after all? Were these negative thoughts simply visions of my deluded imagination? Possibly these rituals are of no malicious intent at all.
When we returned, I was held in front of a shining silver square, where I could see both myself and the long haired entity holding me in the reflection. She was speaking to me, although I couldn’t understand her directly, the crescent moon smile and angelic voice assisted my realisation that these giants were not monsters, they were friends. The lady holding me loves me unconditionally, and I was simply a younger, smaller version of the same species.
From here, we grew faster than vines, closer than pages in a book. As she feeds me the nutrients needed for sufficient development, I return a love warmer than the thickest blanket on a winter night. Our companionship will last for eternity, I didn’t belong at that large building where I first opened my eyes, I didn’t belong at the open blue waters where I found these positive feelings. I belonged here, at my home, with my mother who loves me more than words could describe
Underline --> It's alright to have an exaggeration here and there but damn, you have way too many.
Whatever is in bold and underlined just weakens the story to be honest. You've put so many similes and hyperboles that I've lost what you're trying to establish in the story and makes it unrealistic. Tbh, I'd never use these but rather more powerful strucutral techniques such as parallelism or even repetitive symbolism (motif) to carry a more sophisticated text.
Also, my teacher says not to enter the fantasy stories as it's usually not as sophisticated.
Mark 8-9+/15. Sorry, begins to look unsophisticated due to the amount of times you put similes/hyperboles. Can't even conjure an image in my mind of what was happening - you go form the hottest sun to Antarctica and I honestly had no idea what image I should be creating in my head. Good worth though.