[Official Critique Thread] (4 Viewers)

[hotcocoababe]

Crazyhomo, canu please critique mine? im kindaover of all the fluffy, "Its a good story but oooh its a bit freaky" remarks i get about it (but, by all means, dont stop giving them to me guys... good ego inflaters! LOL joking)

you seem to write good, hard, solid, honest stuff bout people's works... and i'd really like to hear what you've got to say about it (in fact, i would like to hear what ANYONE wants to say about... honest guys.... anything at all )

Its on page two of this thread if you get a chance

thanks

 

[Llyrai]

Lol!

Everyone wants a peice of negativity these days. Why can't you freaks all just put faith in that low self-esteem voice in your head that says 'you suck, and you have no hope,' like normal people, instead of asking people to crique your story?

Oh, and btw crazyhomo, can you ______ my ______? Thanks! Really appreciated it.

 

[goldendawn]

Hello people, I'm looking for some more critiques...If anyone has the time to read my work, I would appreciate their opinion

 

[goldendawn]

ok i have already posted mine up on the other thread
however
i havent recieved any feedback
so im widening my audience
here it is
now im hoping that these are the right ones...

Hey Pitted, I had a look at your major work. There were aspects of it I really liked. I particularly liked your emphasis on the kinesthetic, even atavistic feeling descriptions, as if you were responding to the most fundamental or primal level. It succesfully achieved a sense of alienation (and I am usually not a big fan of nihilism), or the lacking of a perceived moral framework, and was underpinned by the use of temporal segmentation and metre (which ended up sounding very Kafkaesque). At the same time, I felt that your style of description tended to say things rather than show them. I feel that the major work would have been better if you had refined the use of imagery. Whilst your concept doesn't interest me (because I have different interests and a different world view, perhaps), I feel that you have achieved sufficient textual integrity. One thing which detracted from this, perhaps, was that sometimes (and this is only sometimes) your sentence construction was a little faulty or unjustified. Sometimes your expressions sounded a little akward, but perhaps this was the intended effect? The reflection statement, I feel, slightly jeapordises the depth of the concept. The concluding line likewise sounds a little akward: "the ext 2 course has taught me how to dream"...for me, I believe that you can't be taught to dream, imagination is inherent. Did you mean that you can be taught to channel this dream, to give voice to this dream? Overall, I think you did a fairly good job. A little more consideration of concept, and some refinement of technical aspects would, however, have polished the final work.

 

[goldendawn]

Hello people, waiting expectantly for your reviews....

 

[ameh]

Someone comment on my story please!

 

[pitted]

Hey Pitted, I had a look at your major work. There were aspects of it I really liked. I particularly liked your emphasis on the kinesthetic, even atavistic feeling descriptions, as if you were responding to the most fundamental or primal level. It succesfully achieved a sense of alienation (and I am usually not a big fan of nihilism), or the lacking of a perceived moral framework, and was underpinned by the use of temporal segmentation and metre (which ended up sounding very Kafkaesque). At the same time, I felt that your style of description tended to say things rather than show them. I feel that the major work would have been better if you had refined the use of imagery. Whilst your concept doesn't interest me (because I have different interests and a different world view, perhaps), I feel that you have achieved sufficient textual integrity. One thing which detracted from this, perhaps, was that sometimes (and this is only sometimes) your sentence construction was a little faulty or unjustified. Sometimes your expressions sounded a little akward, but perhaps this was the intended effect? The reflection statement, I feel, slightly jeapordises the depth of the concept. The concluding line likewise sounds a little akward: "the ext 2 course has taught me how to dream"...for me, I believe that you can't be taught to dream, imagination is inherent. Did you mean that you can be taught to channel this dream, to give voice to this dream? Overall, I think you did a fairly good job. A little more consideration of concept, and some refinement of technical aspects would, however, have polished the final work.

hey there
im gonna read yours reallly soon
but back to me
thanks for your feedback very fair
i know my RS was kinda crap
but i only had 1 other person in my class and my teacher did this course first time so i had no clue
well gotta go ciao

 

[hotcocoababe]

Amoz-lilo, i liked your story. But there is no way that is 6000-8000 words - was it just a sampler? Did you forget to include the rest, past "Good one, Herbert." Or...... ummm, is that it? Would like to read the rest, if there is more

 

[propagandhi]

eep

hey guys
i dont post much, but i couldnt resist this forum
im worried about my mark, i found alot of these stories absolutely amazing
check mine out hey
but be gentle..
thanks

 

[ameh]

yeah it wasn't submitted as a major work, just as an assessment back in year 11!

 

[Monkey Butler]

Propaghandi, I just read your mw. It's powerful stuff, and very, very well written. But there's a couple of very big buts to go with that. The first is that the two stories are a bit cliched in terms of this course. The first isn't so much (although you tread pretty close), but the second... well, let's just say alot of teenagers think/write about depression/rape/suicide, and I'm sure alot of the works submitted as part of the ee2 course will have something to do with one of those three things (hell, mine does a little), although you do express it really well (the references to song lyrics and stuff start out kinda trite, but by the end with the Alk3 lines (which I now know I've misheard for so long ) you'd really hit your stride - have to say that the Buffy reference was a bit out of place though). The use of different fonts/justifications and stuff was really well done I think, it gave it the impression of scrawlings in a nootbook or something, which was cool. The format for Deliverence I think didn't work so well. It was a little repetitious to begin with, and the short vignette-style paragraphs emphasised that I think. So, yeah, ultimately probably a little too much like a lot of the other works that are going to be submitted.
My second (and bigger) "but" comes from the fact that I think you're going to be marked down pretty heavily for the actual stories. The connection between them is nice, and it shows a pretty sophisticated perception of humanity, but in terms of story, well, there isn't a lot going on. I mean, the second story is just snatches of a childhood at first, and then it's just this internalised bleakness for the rest of it. Which is a shame (and I mean that) cos you've written it far better than, I reckon, any of the other depression/suicide/rape/whatever stories that I've seen on here, but really there's not a lot of story in your short story. Hopefully the markers aren't going to be dickheads and mark you down for that, but unfortunately it seems (to me) to be unlikely - you're writing a short story, which requires a fair degree of narrative drive to it. But hey, they do say that you can use "other appropriate media", which could include this sort of meditation (hell, my mw would probably fit into the "meditation on humanity" medium as well).

So yeah, my thoughts on your work: Great control of language, very well written, but I have a bad feeling about what the markers are going to think.

 

[goldendawn]

Hi,

This might be beside the point, but why does my reputation say I'm "infamous around these parts"? I hope I didn't do anything to offend anyone. If I have, please tell me.

 

[ameh]

you're infamous around genitals

 

[jhakka]

oh dear oh dear.. well heres the story..

i was skanking into english ( as you do in the last few weeks..) and all of a sudden my english teahcer yells out "WHOS STUDENT NUMBER IS 1508..blah blah!"
i yell bakc
" OH I WON I WON!!!"

yeah... no.

she pulled me out of class, i was so scared.. she looked so angry..

i said "whats wrong?"

she said ' i just got a fax....' < in that voice.. the one that tells you have have done something bad or something bad has happened to your puppy.. or mother..

anyway, i say ' ok.. what about' < gettin really worried now..

she hands me a piece of paper that reads.

STUDENT NUMBER 1508.......'s PROJECT DOES NOT HAVE PAGE NUMBER 8 INCLUDED, the JOURNAL DOES NOT SHOW PAGE 8.. PLEASE FAX IT TO THIS NUMBER IMMEDIATELY

oh yeah i freaked out.. so did my teacher.. i walked into class and everyone was like ' ohhhh what did you do?' im like.. meh just forgot a page in my major work..

so .. i faxed it and it is now ok..

i just came to a throught that THEY'RE MARKING MY WORK NOW!!!!! holy crip im a crapple...

i so appreciate the oppurtunity to give them that page.. without it i could have been penalised severely..

just an Ext 2 story i thought id share..

They've marked them already? Sheez.

 

[hotcocoababe]

LOL no Goldendawn, you're fine, it probably just means that because you're new, you dont have any reputation points yet? Im guessing you dont. Most ppl are stuck on, "So-and-so is on a distinguished road." which means something like we have less than 100 rep points, but obviously have more than NONE.... i think..... can someone else help out?

But no goldendawn, you haven't offended anyone (as far as i know ) - its the BoS admins tryna confuse u

LOL

TIP - If you want to get your reputation (rep) points up, post in as many forums you can find, and say something meaningful/funny/challenge someone etc.... once you've started getting rep points, you will get the ability to rep people back and actually give THEM points too

Hope that helps

 

[jhakka]

Actually, Off the Scale is when no one has repped you yet (and you have 10 points). Being infamous around these parts means you have less than 10, meaning that someone gave you a negative rep before Laz took that off. I think "soandso will be famous soon enough" is after 50, but I'm not sure.

 

[mugrug]

Hello all.

Well here's my contribution to this thread. It's basically a story based around the allegory of Plato's Cave, with some elements of Freud's division of the mind thrown in for good measure. I whacked in the reflection statement too just for good measure.

I liked making it, I just hope it's not too matrix-like.

So if anyone's bored and wants a bit of a read feel free, and although it's too late fro criticisms to be of any real use (other than for personal benefit) I would still appreciate anything anyone has to say ^^

*grins*

Have fun guys.

 

[hotcocoababe]

Ok, so the "sos and so is on a distinguished road' is prob people who have over 10 but less than 50...? cuz thats me LOL

im SO glad i never got any negative reps - tho i did get quite a few that didnt add anyting onto my rep tally.... i think they were all newbies

 

[jhakka]

Here's the vBulletin page about reps. I think they've been changed around a bit for these forums (only the low ones, that I can see), but it's close enough.

http://www.vbulletin.com/docs/html/reputation_levels

 

[hotcocoababe]

MUGRUG - wow, your MW is AWESOME!

I wasnt initially gonna read it, just download and read later, but it hooked me as soon as i skimmed the first few paragraphs.

If i wasn't in such a brain-dead state from the HSC, i would critique it properly, but as it is i'll try anyway

You must have done a helluva lot of research for it?
And WHAT a subject to tackle - life after death - not something that your everyday Average Joe is gonna dabble in but you pulled it off SO well!

Damn you, now im desperate to know what happens to Daniel! (I dont suppose you could, perhaps, give me any idea as to what happens to him.....? )

Again - WOW..... im so impressed! You're going to go so well!

Top stuff!!!!!