Poem - plz read (1 Viewer)

[B.O.R.E.D.]

the darkness grows underneath her skin
the love has left her to die
the happyness that was once there has beckoned
beckond at her , for her , f...for her to pass on to a new life

Her soul roaming the lifeless earth that she has been forsaken to
one last glimps of hope , one glimps of life , one glimps of a last chance
the angel appears taking her now pale hand
with one last breath the angel speaks in a concerned tone

the tear rolls of her sweet cheek so pale and cold
slowly the thought of the angel fades away
leaving her in complete darkness
slowly she drop down to the floor nothing left to help her life go on

she will always miss the way the sweet flowers smelled
the way the beach smiled in the sun
the way he used to make her heart race
she will miss life and love itself

 

[B.O.R.E.D.]

well i wrote it a few hours ago ... hope u liked it ... best poem ive ever written and its about pain ... how unusual

 

[Born Dancer]

..i think i just threw up in my mouth a little

 

[B.O.R.E.D.]

good for u i dont give a shit ^.^

 

[Tulipa]

..i think i just threw up in my mouth a little

I know right?

Basically, you've just written a stock standard amateur teenage poem complete with cliches and misspellings. Congratulations, virtually everyone in existence has done that.

If you want to "express" yourself, go ahead. Just don't post it where someone will rip it apart.

The 4 P's: Private vs. Public poetry people. If you're venting, keep it to yourself. If you want to improve it, offer it up for concrit.

 

[withoutaface]

User has been neg repped for poetry.

 

[roar84eighty]

Harsh crit

 

[B.O.R.E.D.]

ahahaha yay now i kno for sure that i suck ^.^

 

[Tulipa]

ahahaha yay now i kno for sure that i suck ^.^

Being self-pitying only makes you that much more annoying.

If you want to improve read as much as possible, go to as many random writing sites as possible and stop writing for a bit.

Otherwise, you're going to have to accept that slapping together cliches in an attempt to express emotion is not going to be well received by randoms on the internet. Or, for that matter, anyone who can read.

 

[B.O.R.E.D.]

lol in my defence i wasnt really trying to write a poem ... it just flowed kinda thing every so often i get the erge to just write ...

 

[Tulipa]

lol in my defence i wasnt really trying to write a poem ... it just flowed kinda thing every so often i get the erge to just write ...

Then don't share. Or make excuses.

Remember, the delete button is your friend. Apply it to this thread.

 

[B.O.R.E.D.]

lmao ebony ... i havnt even done chaucer D= OMG HES TAKIN OVER MY MIND ahaha XD im suprised u liked it ... ahaha i like it but these people dont ^.^

 

[B.O.R.E.D.]

lol i disagree ... every1 has a different views and opinions and theres just happens to be negative =]

 

[B.O.R.E.D.]

lmao im not that amazing ... plus there right but yer OK fine im awesome haha for a yr 10'ner XD

 

[chaldoking]

I can see that this poem is one that explores reality and truth. Yet, I don't understand why we have narrow minded neanderthals like Tulina commenting so viciously as to the form/structure of the poem. Whose to say that conventions have to always be present within a poem?

In my opinion you can bend away from the conventions and present a cliche of a poem - but under one condition: it has meaning. I think B.O.R.E.D has shown us how a simple thought can create such a great meaning. Great work! I enjoyed it!

 

[B.O.R.E.D.]

I can see that this poem is one that explores reality and truth. Yet, I don't understand why we have narrow minded neanderthals like Tulina commenting so viciously as to the form/structure of the poem. Whose to say that conventions have to always be present within a poem?

In my opinion you can bend away from the conventions and present a cliche of a poem - but under one condition: it has meaning. I think B.O.R.E.D has shown us how a simple thought can create such a great meaning. Great work! I enjoyed it!

^.^ why thank u ... it has very deep meaning ... its over loss of love ... pretty much ... thats how i feel ... -.- im dead thats how i feel

 

[cxlxoxk]

Does anyone else think this poem has "Twilight" written all over it?

 

[Groucho Marxist]

i feel like hurting you. was that the effect you were going for?

 

[B.O.R.E.D.]

lol probly idk =] hope u do hurt me

 

[Tulipa]

I can see that this poem is one that explores reality and truth. Yet, I don't understand why we have narrow minded neanderthals like Tulina commenting so viciously as to the form/structure of the poem. Whose to say that conventions have to always be present within a poem?

In my opinion you can bend away from the conventions and present a cliche of a poem - but under one condition: it has meaning. I think B.O.R.E.D has shown us how a simple thought can create such a great meaning. Great work! I enjoyed it!

Yeah, the truth does hurt.

It may be 'truthful' - however subjective that is - but it doesn't evoke anything because it's purely cliche.

Enjoy reading mediocre writing - there's a lot of it out there.